Post Your Best Shaggy Dog Jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

I was once driving a truckload of cough syrup across the desert. I’m a bit of an addict so I grabbed a bottle to swig on as I drove. As night fell I heard a bang and realized one of my tires had blown; since it was too dark to see well enough to fix the tire I decided to find shelter for the night.

I remembered seeing a cabin back down the road aways. Grabbing my cough syrup and stashing it in my pocket I walked back towards it. When I reached it I knocked on the door but no one answered, so finally I broke in through a window. It was obvious no one had lived there in years.

I pulled out my cigarette lighter and managed to get a fire going in the fire place. So warm! It was the perfect place to spend a lonely night.

Then I heard a noise. I looked up and saw it–a coffin floating towards me. I jumped up and ran to another room of the cabin but the coffin followed me.I dodged the coffin and ran to another room but it still kept following me while making this hideous moaning noise.

I must have run around that cabin for an hour. By then I was completely exhausted and thinking I was doomed. Then I remembered something.

I pulled my bottle of cough syrup out of my pocket and took a swig.

And the coffin stopped.

22

I think I’ve seen this on this board before, but what the hell…

Jeffery is a young man growing up in a small midwestern town. He’s a bit of a mama’s boy, bookish and overly sensitive, but basically a nice guy. One day the circus comes to town. Everyone in town is excited. There’s not a lot to do there, and this story takes place in the mid-century, before the internet or satellite TV.

The circus sells out, but Jeffery makes sure to get a good seat. He’s a few rows back from the front.

The circus starts with a clown act. A couple of clowns run out, telling jokes and engaging in tomfoolery. Suddenly, one of the clowns points at Jeffery.

“You sir, would you mind standing up please”
“Me?”
“Yes, sir, please stand up.”

Jeffery stands.
“Well,” says the clown, “I see the horse’s ass, but where’s the rest of the horse?”

The whole audience erupts in laughter, but Jeffery is mortified and humiliated. He runs out of the circus and back to his house where he sits in shame and cries.

After a few months he’s reading a magazine and notices an ad. “School for witty retorts.” Hm, maybe this will help me be less sensitive he thinks. So he applies for the course, even though it’s pretty expensive. He sends money in and gets a few worksheets.

This goes on for a while until he gets a letter from the school. “Sir, I have to confess that my school is basically a scam. I’m not qualified to give degrees in witty retorts. However I’ve noticed that you really have a talent for this. I feel bad taking your money. I’ve still got a few contacts in the legit retort world, and I’d like to recommend you for a spot in U Penn’s school of witty retorts.”

So Jeffery goes to Penn’s program, one of the more highly regarded schools of witty retorts in the country. His professors are amazed by his talent. He gets straight A’s without working too hard and is accepted into Stanford’s graduate school of witty retorts. Even before he gets his PhD in witty retorts his reputation spreads. He is consulted by businessmen and politicians. Even the pope sends a discreet emissary to get tips on dealing with a couple of obstreperous cardinals.

After graduation his consulting business takes off. He spends a lot of time travelling, but returns to live in his home town, as it’s familiar and he can be close to his mother. He’s a bit of a local celebrity, but is very modest about his achievments.

One day he sees that the circus is coming to town; the same circus that humiliated him a dozen years earlier. He makes sure he gets the same seat he had before. The circus again sells out. Again the same clowns open the show. They don’t seem to recognize him. (although he has a bit of fame, he is discreet and rarely photographed.) Again they ask him to stand.

“Well,” says the clown, “I see the horse’s ass, but where’s the rest of the horse?”

The whole town turns and looks at Jeffery, eagerly waiting for his reply. Jeffery takes a deep breath and in a clear distinct voice says

Fuck You, Clown!

23

A couple go to a movie and find that a few seats to their right is a man and his dog. The dog seemed well behaved enough so they didn’t call an usher to complain. They watch the movie and notice that during the action scenes, the dog is on the edge of his seat, watching intently. During the the happy scenes, the dog wagged his tail happily. In the sad scenes, the dog would whimper. And in the scary scenes, the dog hid under the seat. When the movie was over, the couple approached the dog owner. The wife said “We can’t believe how much your dog enjoyed the movie.” The dog’s owner replied “Me either. He didn’t like the book.”

24

I think a lot of people in this thread don’t know what a shaggy dog joke actually is. Funny jokes, just about all of them, but only some are shaggy.

Kenner, I was going to post that monk joke, but couldn’t quite remember it. When it was told to me (thankfully only once!) the guy who told it took FOREVER. He had a whole part where “They went up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and…” And he repeated that part at least four times.

25

I can’t believe nobody has told the one that “shaggy dog” stories are named after.

There once was a man who led a lonely life. He had no wife or children, and no living relatives. He worked the night shift as a lighthouse keeper, so he had no co-workers or friends. He thought the loneliness would kill him, so one day he decided to get a dog to keep him company. He went down the lighthouse steps and opened the door, and lo and behold, there was a dog sitting there. The man brought the dog into the lighthouse, fed him, bathed him, and cleaned him up; the dog thumped his tail on the floor and panted with a dog’s grin, and the man knew he’d found his companion.

The next day, the man brought the dog into town to have him checked out by the local vet, just to make sure he didn’t have anything wrong with him health-wise. The vet took one look at the dog and said, “WOW! This dog is the shaggiest dog I’ve ever seen in my life. I’ve seen some shaggy dogs in my time, but this one takes the cake. You know what you should do? You should enter this dog in the “Shaggiest Dog In Town” contest they’re having this weekend.”

The vet gave the man a flyer advertising the contest, and the man decided to do it. He brought the dog to the park where the contest was being held and entered him. There were a lot of shaggy dogs at the contest, and the judges were all arguing about which dog should win, until they saw the lighthouse keeper’s dog. “Holy moly!” the first judge said. “That’s one seriously shaggy dog!” the second judge looked at the dog with amazement and said, “I agree. I’ve never seen such a shaggy dog anywhere. I think we have a winner.” the third judge agreed, “You guys have nailed it - none of these other dogs are even close to being as shaggy as this one.” They awarded the blue ribbon to the man’s dog, gave him $100 in prize money, and told him about the “Shaggiest Dog In the State” contest the following weekend.
(I’ll condense this just a bit.)
The man takes the dog to the State contest, and after a whole lot of exclamations about how shaggy the dog is, they award him the blue ribbon and $1,000 in prize money, and tell him about the “Shaggiest Dog In the U.S.” contest in Washington, DC, the following weekend. The man’s dog wins that one too, takes the blue ribbon and $10,000 in prize money, and they tell him about the “Shaggiest Dog in the World” contest in the Pyrenees the following weekend. It costs him all the prize money he’s won so far to get there, but he does it. The day of the contest arrives, with a cool million in prize money at stake. The man and his dog wait all morning. Finally the judge arrives and looks at the dog. He turns to the man and says, “This dog doesn’t look that shaggy to me.”

26

^Version I’d heard was that the shaggy dog gets lost, and the missing sign goes on and on and on about how shaggy he is, and so this guy starts looking from shelter to shelter to find the shaggiest dog he can… and when he brings to the dog to the shaggy-dog owners, they take one look and say, “Not that shaggy.”

27

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He’d walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb.

Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.
She spoke, “Take me now or climb the ladder to success!”

Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke, “Take me now or climb the ladder to success!”
Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb.

On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure. She stated, “Take me now or climb the ladder to success!”
Harry really liked his advantage now!

He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
“Take me now or climb the ladder to success,” she huskily whispered.
Harry couldn’t believe his eyes, but his greed once again caught the best of him.

He climbed to the next level, and sure enough, on the next level, two gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed women lying seductively on the cloud.
“Take us now or climb the ladder to success,” they huskily whispered.
Harry couldn’t believe his eyes, but his greed once again caught the best of him.

He climbed to the next level, and sure enough, on the next level, three gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed women lying seductively on the cloud. The most beautiful he had ever seen.
“Take us now or climb the ladder to success,” they huskily whispered.
Harry couldn’t believe his eyes, but his greed once again caught the best of him.

(…)

[Make it go on and on and on with women in ever-increasing numbers with ever-increasing charms until the audience shows signs of exasperation]

(…)

Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him.

He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6’8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos, foul-smelling, covered with flies. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.

Apprehensively, Harry whispers, “Who are you?”

The biker answers,

“Hello, I’m Cess”

28

I’ll have to nominate one I wrote myself.

29

This one is my favorite, as well. :smiley:

It was the first “shaggy dog” joke I had ever heard (I was 13.) My friend, god bless him, told it perfectly. Probably took him 20 minutes with all the great embellishments. When I heard the punchline, I was all like:

:eek:

:confused:

:smiley:

30

And after all that, the ending doesn’t even work in an English accent!

31

Chief Bearclaw had everything a chief of the Native Americans could want… except a son and heir to follow him. So he went to the medicine man one fine day and asked him for advice. The medicine man promised to look into the matter, and he went into the mountains and performed the sacred rituals and entered the medicine trance where he conversed with his spirit guide. When he returned he called on Chief Bearclaw and handed him a raven’s feather. “You must go on a great journey,” he said. “The feather will show you the way. And when you return home you must bring three animal skins with you. You will see many strange animals on your way and your heart will tell you which ones to skin. And when you return, I, or my son after me, will tell you what to do with them.”

Bearclaw’s odyssey led him towards the setting sun for many days until he reached the great Sea. There he took passage on a passing ship and many months later disembarked in a strange land where some of the men were white and wore clothes, and others were black and wore next to nothing. His spirit led him to follow the black men into the wilds where the land was hot and dry and hardly anything grew. There he saw a strange animal, larger than a deer, with hindpaws nearly as big as itself, and on these it hopped about faster than a man could run. It was the strangest animal Bearclaw had ever seen or heard of, even in stories, and by signs he gave the black men to know that he wanted to learn its name. “Kangaroo”, they told him; and he caught one and skinned it.

His journey led him still further westward and another crossing of the great sea, until he came to a land where some of the men were brown and others were white. He learned that some of the white men and some of the brown men were off on a hunt to catch a terrible man-killer that was bigger and more fearsome than the mountain lion of his homeland, and he joined the hunt and so proved his worth in running the dreadful orange-black striped cat to earth that he was allowed to keep the hide. By signs he gave the white men to understand that he wanted to know the name of the animal, and they told him “Tiger”. It was the mightiest animal he had ever hunted, and was sure to be a totem of surpassing power.

His journey took him back to sea and then to another land of swamps and rivers, and more black men, and here he saw a grotesque monster that lived in the river and had a mouth larger than a tepee and tusks that could rend a man limb from limb without the slightest effort. As soon as Bearclaw saw this monster he knew his quest was at an end, if he could only contrive a means to slay it. Fortunately, he was a hunter of renown and infinite resource, and though your chronicler can barely credit it and is unable to tell you the means, Bearclaw slew and skinned the monster. Only after much enquiry did he learn the name “hippopotamus”.

With these three skins Bearclaw at last returned home and found his old friend still alive. The medicine man danced for joy and said “All three of your wives are eager to welcome you home. Present each one with one of the medicine skins and they will be sure to bear you children before the year is out.” And so it proved. All on the same day, barely nine months later, the wife he gave the kangaroo hide bore him a daughter of such surpassing beauty as to delight the heart of the boldest warrior or mightiest chief. The wife he gave the tiger hide bore him such a son as to make a father’s heart sing for gladness - fated to grow tall, straight-limbed, fierce of heart and strong of hand. But the wife he gave the hippopotamus hide bore twins, a son and a daughter fully the equal of their half-siblings. And Chief Bearclaw, now a father four times over on one and the same day, smiled fondly and reflected…

“So, the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.”

32

It seems there was this fellow who was feeling a lot of pressure in his life, and he thinks to himself, “I know - I’ll get out into the hills for a little camp out - that’ll relax me.” So, he packs up his stuff and heads up into the hills. He parks his car and hikes in a few miles until he finds a good spot, sets up camp, and just spends the next couple of days getting back in touch with nature.

After a couple of days, he feels just great, and figures it’s time to head back to the city. He packs up his stuff, and heads back to where he left the car, but after he’s been hiking for about 4 hours, he’s starting to feel uncomfortably like he’s lost - he should have come to his car about 2 hours ago.

“Okay,” he says to himself, “I’m in trouble. But I remember what they taught me when I was in Boy Scouts - if you’re lost, keep going in a straight line. If you start veering around to find your trail, you can wind up going in circles.” So he took his bearings, and headed straight ahead. He walked the rest of that day, camped that night, and resumed walking the next morning. That afternoon, he finally came to the end of the forest; the bad news was, he came right up to the edge of a desert.

“Just great!” he thinks to himself, “But I gotta remember - straight line!” So, he heads out into the desert. About 4 hours later, he’s drunk all his water, the sun is beating down, and he’s starting to suffer. Just then, he sees something off in the distance (luckily straight ahead of him). He comes up on it, and finds that it’s a large lever sticking up out of the ground.

“That’s weird,” he thinks, and he reaches out towards it.

“DON’T TOUCH THE LEVER!” a voice booms out. The guy looks around, but aside from a snake he doesn’t see a living thing. He reaches out again.

“DON’T TOUCH THE LEVER!” says the voice again. The guy looks around again, but still doesn’t see anything. Just joking, he says to the snake, “I suppose that was you who said that.”

“Of course it was me - do you see anyone else around? I said don’t touch the lever!” says the snake.

“Oh, wow - I’m hallucinating,” said the guy. “Look, I need something to drink bad - is there any water around here?”

The snake said, “Yeah, there’s a well right over behind that sand dune. Follow me.”

The snake led the guy around the dune, and there was a well. The guy pulled up some water and took a long drink. When he started to feel a little better, he thought to himself, “Whoa! Was I talking to a SNAKE?”

“Was I talking to you?”

“Yeah,” said the snake. “I’m Nate - Nate the Snake. I live out here.”

“Well, I’m pleased to make your acquaintance. I really needed that water. Say,what was that business about the lever?”

“Well, I’ll tell you,” says Nate, “that lever is the lever that controls the entire universe. If you had pulled that lever down, the whole universe would have just shut right down, and everything would go flying off into space. As a matter of fact, that’s why I’m out here in the desert - since the beginning of time, my family has been the guardians of the lever, put out here to keep people from touching it.”

“Wow!” says the guy. Then he thinks to himself, “Hold it - I’m talking to a SNAKE! A TALKING snake!” “Hey, do you know how much you could make in show business? Have you ever thought about leaving the desert?”

“God, I think about it all the time! I am so bored here!”

“Well,” said the guy, “why don’t you come with me? We’ll start an act - we’ll be stars!”

“Hot damn!” says the snake, and slithers up the guy’s leg and into his pocket.The guy heads out, and within 5 minutes comes across a road, where he immediately gets picked by a trucker and taken back into town. He and Nate head straight to an agent, who books them on the spot - within a week they’re on the Tonight Show. They’re instant hits. They get movie offers, they do Vegas, they have lunch-boxes made with their pictures on them, they have Saturday morning cartoons made on their adventures. Their success is enormous, and it goes on for years without any show of abatement.

Unfortunately, Nate was not exactly young when the whole thing started, and after years of living the high life, he’s starting to feel it. He doesn’t know how to break the news to his friend, though; they’ve been together so long,been through so much together. Finally, he has to just come right out with it.

“Nate!” says the guy, “why didn’t you just tell me? Of course I understand! Look, the act is dissolved as of right this minute - what do I need more money for? I got more money than I know what to do with! But, listen, Nate - what are you going to do with yourself?”

“You know,” says Nate, “this may sound crazy, but I really miss the desert. I think I’ll retire out there - check up on that lever.”

“Well, old friend, I hate to see you go, but if that’s what you want, you deserve it. Goodbye, partner - I’d shake your hand, but you don’t have any.” And with that, Nate slithered out, and made his way back to the desert. Of course, he was now an extremely wealthy snake, so he used some of his money to spruce the old place up. He had a highway put in, and a hotel, and a golf course, and a casino, and an amusement park. Every morning he would leave his palatial suite in the hotel and crawl across the highway to check up on the lever.

After a couple of years, the guy thought to himself, “You know, I haven’t spoken to Nate in a while - I think I’ll head out to see him.” So he hopped in his car and took off. He was traveling along the new highway - along a long, straight highway in the desert. Soon, he got to that semi-hypnotized state of ‘white line fever.’

All of a sudden, he saw something in the road ahead of him. My God! It was Nate! He gave the wheel a sharp tug - Oh No! He was headed straight towards the Lever! The Lever that controls the Universe! Straighten the wheel, but Aargh! Headed straight at Nate again! His old friend Nate! Turn the wheel again, but Look Out! The Lever! It could mean the end of everything!! Another quick yank to the steering wheel, and the car ran right over Nate, and smashed him flat.

The moral:

Wait for it ……

Better Nate than Lever.

33

The Rairie was the most feared animal in all the land–killed people, ravaged livestock, trashed whole towns, you name it. The king had finally had enough, so a contest was held to find the most deserving knight to kill the Rairie. The contest was held, the knight selected, he was sent on his mission. Unfortunately, as the knight snuck up on the sleeping beast to claim its head, he tripped and stabbed it in the tail, instantly waking it. Enraged, the monster chased the knight day in and day out, over hill and dale, until the Rairie cornered the knight at the edge of the highest cliff overlooking the sea. The knight drew his sword as the beast charged, but dropped it, fell to one side and covered his head, waiting for the fatal blow. Which never came–the monster tripped on the sword and plunged over the cliff to die in the sea.

The knight returned to his king to relate the good news. The king exclaimed, “You have been away for weeks, tell me your tale.” The knight told it all, ending with the accidental stumbling and death of the creature, and his 300-mile trek back to his lord.

To which the king said, “That’s a long way to trip a Rairie.”

34

It was a sweltering August day in 1937 when the Cohen brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of Henry Ford, the car maker. “Mr. Ford,” announced Norman Cohen, the eldest of the three. “We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry.”

Ford looked skeptical, but their threat to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. “We would like to demonstrate it to you in person.” After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside to a black automobile parked in front of the building.

Hyman Cohen, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. “Please step inside, Mr. Ford.”

“What!” shouted the tycoon, “Are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!”

“It is,” smiled the youngest brother, Maxwell, “but sit down and push the white button.”

Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden, a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car. Within seconds, the automobile was not only comfortable, but quite cool.

“This is amazing!” exclaimed Ford. “How much do you want for the patent?”

Norman spoke up, “The price is one million dollars.” Then he paused. “And there is something else: The name ‘Cohen Brothers Air-Conditioning’ must be stamped right next to the Ford logo.”

“Money is no problem,” retorted Ford, “but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!”

They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. Five million dollars, but the Cohens’ name would be left off. However, the first names of the Cohen brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.

And that is why, even today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see those three names clearly printed on the air conditioning control panel:

NORM HI MAX

35

It’s business as usual for a bartender, and one day as he is cleaning his bar when an unusual customer walks in. The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. Furthermore, the man has an orange for a head.

The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the attention of every woman in the joint, despite having an orange for a head.

The bartender is not a man to pry, but he feels compelled to ask about this man’s life.
“Excuse me,” says the bartender, “I can’t help but notice that you’re obviously fabulously wealthy and irresistable to women, but you have an orange for a head. How did that happen?”

So the man told his story.

"A while back, when I was penniless, I was walking along the beach and saw an old lamp, half buried in the sand. I picked it up and gave it a clean, and POOF! out popped a genie. The genie explained that he had been trapped in that lamp for two hundred years, and that he was so grateful to me for freeing him that he would give me three wishes.

"For my first wish I asked for an unlimited fortune. The genie said ‘It is done!’ and from then on, whenever I needed money, it was there.

"For my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted.

“For my third wish – and, this is the bit where I kinda fucked up – I asked for an orange for a head.”

36

Compendium of Shaggy Dog stories.

37

This marine biology researcher in Florida hypothesized that if certain dolphins were fed a diet of sea gull eggs they wouldn’t age. Or die. Sure, they’d die from accidents, but never from any sort of illness or old age, for that matter. Something to do with proteins and enzymes. So, he applied for and got a grant to continue this research. He found a place on Long Island, NY, where he could get all the fresh sea gull eggs he wanted and hired a trucker with a refrigerated trailer to pick up a truckload of the eggs and bring them to him in Florida.

The driver had no problem picking up the eggs or getting the trailer loaded with them. But as he was driving South to Florida, he was stopped when he entered Virginia and arrested by the FBI.

The charge?

Transporting underage gulls across state lines for immortal porpoises

38

The more common version of this story works in an another pun, in addition to the two in your version. It seems the story takes place as the researcher is hand-carrying the immature avians up a trail from their beach bluffs nest to the parking area, when he comes across a mountain lion, fast asleep across the trail. So he must very very carefully climb over the lion without waking it, to continue on his way. Then he gets arrested. Why?

Transporting young gulls across staid lions for immortal porpoises.

39

I think the “Fuck You, Clown!” one was the first shaggy dog I’ve ever heard, and it remains my favorite. Although I really enjoyed the shaggy dog version of the moth joke Norm McDonald recently told (which is the one in the OP, pre-Norm’s telling.)

40

A particularly attractive piece of seaweed is waving her fronds about suggestively. Her somewhat conservative neighbour says, “You know, you really should be a little more modest. Maybe cover up with an anemone or something.”

First seaweed replies:
“With fronds like these, who need anemones?”