Shaggy Dogs Stories

Cafe Society
1

I am searching for shaggy dog stories. You know, long-winded jokes that go on seemingly forever with lots of unneeded details and offer an entirely unsatisfactory punchline.

The two sadistic joys of a good shaggy dog story are to watch the faces of the listeners when they realize that there is yet another delay in getting to the point of the joke and then their miffed reactions to the stupid conclusion.

Classically, The Aristocrats is the most notable tale of the genre. Risqué, gross and wholly inappropriate, but a great joke, nevertheless.

I am not looking for Feghoots, a similar story but one that ends with a pun, like “Men who live in grass houses shouldn’t stote thrones.”

No need to tell the whole story here, please. A simple overview with the punch line is fine.

Any favorites?

2

Shah Guido G.

3

Post #429:

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=16615871&highlight="Wot's#post16615871

4

My favorite one is The Butcher Dance.

5

“Fuck you clown!” is the first one I heard and still remains my favorite,

6

Post #748:

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=16759383&highlight=red-nosed+cunt#post16759383

7

I went through primary school with the Pink Gorilla story. Example here.

However, as kids we had a bit of a craze where we kept on embroidering the story (it’s about a gorilla chasing someone) where the chase went through more and more ludicrous settings, situations, vehicles, innocent (and not-so-innocent) passers-by, brief pauses to have sex with movie stars (we were kids), time travel, space travel - everything and anything.

It was a little kid version of The Aristocrats.

8

This one works best in person, but I’ll give it a shot anyway:

A woman is driving along a back road one night when her car breaks down. Spying a light not far away, she gets out and starts walking.

A few minutes later, she’s standing on the front porch of a cozy farmhouse. She knocks on the door, and a kindly old woman appears and invites her inside. She phones triple A and is told that they won’t be able to come out until morning, so the old woman says she’s welcome to spend the night.

The old woman shows her to a spare bedroom and gives her everything she needs to settle in. She bids her good night, and as she’s going out the door she stops and turns.

“Oh, I forgot to mention. My son’s room is just down the hall. He’s nineteen and a bit strange, but if you see him, don’t worry; he’s quite harmless.”

She shuts the door, and the woman starts to undress. She’s down to her slip when the old woman’s son bursts into the room and locks the door behind him.

“Do you know” he says, breathing heavily, “what these hands and these lips are for?!?”

The woman cries “No, no, no!” and starts running around the room as the lad chases her in circles.

“Do you know what these hands and these **lips **are for?!?”

“No, no, no!!!”

Finally, she’s backed up into a corner as the boy draws closer to her.

“DO YOU KNOW WHAT THESE HANDS AND THESE **LIPS **ARE FOR?!?”

“NO, NO, NO!!!”

**[Fanning lips with fingers]: **"Blblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblbl!!!"

9

Might as well get the original shaggy dog story out of the way…

In medieval England, a knight in full armor walks into an inn and asks for lodgings. The innkeeper explains that there is no room. The knight then asks if there is room in the stable for his steed. The innkeeper looks outside and sees, not a horse, but a gigantic, shaggy dog. He says, “Come in – I’ll find room for you somehow. I wouldn’t put a knight out on a dog like this.”

10

Outboard Motor:

A man, down on his luck, decides to end it all, but finds some money in his pants and doesn’t want to die still owning anything. He buys three apples and eats them, slowing as he starts to get full. Just as he’s about to take the last bite, a worm chews its way out of the core and starts talking to the man.

He makes friends with the worm, named “Motor”, and the two of them travel the world, introducing people to the amazing talking worm.

One day, he can no longer find Motor. He’s nowhere to be found. The man spends all of the money he and Motor made on their world tour, looking for the missing creature. Eventually, he runs out of money, and decides to end it all. But he still had money in his pockets, so he buyys three apples. As he’s about to take the last bite, however, out bored Motor!
The “Tizz” Bottle:

A mysterious man calls a private detective to his home, high in the mountains, reachable only by a long and winding (an shaggy dog story-lengthening) road. “I wnat you to find,” says the mystery man, “the fabled 'Tizz”’ bottle. There were only three made, but one was destroyed. One of the remaining bottles is hidden in the Kremlin. The other is in China, hidden in the most secure government building in China. For delivering one of the two remaining bottles to me, I will pay you $100,000,000.

The PI renounces his US citizenship and emigrates to Russia. There he works his way up in the government, until, eventually (this is a shaggy dog story, after all), he gains access to the Kremlin. He finds the bottle and leaves Russia for the US. All the way up to the top of the moun5tain with its long and winding road. He is about to press the doorbell, when he drops the bottle, and it smashes into thousands of pieces.

Goes through the whole rigamarole again, only this time in China, gets the bottle, and, protecting it dearly, returns to the US, where he finally delivers the bottle. After he gets his money, he asks, “What is it about this bottle that makes it so expensive?” The mysterious man says, “Follow me.” The PI is taken to a room the walls of which were covered with shelves, and on each shelf, were bottles, lots and lots of bottles, with only one space on the shelves unoccupied. The mysterious man gently places the bottle in the last remaining space. Then he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a little hammer. With it, he strikes each bottle in turn, while singing, “My country TIZZ of thee…”

11

I hate these jokes, but since you asked…

Google “Better Nate than lever.”

And “Two out of three people prefer Corn Flakes for breakfast.”

12

'Round these parts, the Nate/lever joke is infamous.

13

One of several versions of the “I had lunch with Pancho Villa” joke:

A young man was in a bar sipping his tequila when he notices a picture of Pancho Villa on the wall behind the bar. Jokingly, the young man asks the old bartender, “Did you know Pancho Villa?”

“Did I know Pancho Villa?” Says the old bartender, “Let me tell you a story my friend. I was a young man tending to a herd of cattle when I saw far in the distance a great red cloud of sand and dust coming toward me from the desert.

As the cloud of dust got closer, I was very nervous it was bandits. I heard the sound of hoof beats and at last I saw a great white horse, and it was the great man himself, Pancho Villa riding straight at me!

He got close to me and I saw he had a large silver pistol with an ivory handle. He drew the pistol and pointed it right at my head. I was very scared. He laughed out loud said ‘Drop your pants.’

What could I do? He had his pistol pointed right at me – so I dropped my pants. Then he said ‘Squat.’ What could I do? He had his pistol pointed right at me – so I squat down like he says. Then he said -

‘Poop’

I did not have to poop, but what could I do? He had his pistol pointed right at me. I was very scared, so I pooped. Pancho Villa pointed his gun at me and with a deep laugh and sinister grin, said ‘Now eat that poop.’

‘Crap,’ I thought. It was disgusting, but what could I do? He had his pistol pointed right at me, so I ate the poop. Pancho Villa laughed for a very long time and laughed so hard he fell off his horse, and his silver pistol landed right next to me – so I picked it up and pointed it at Pancho Villa.

He stopped laughing very quickly and I said, ‘drop your pants.’ Oh, Pancho Villa was very scared – what could he do? I had his pistol pointed right at him! So he dropped his pants.

I said ‘Squat’ and so Pancho Villa squatted, what could he do? I had his pistol pointed right at him! Then I said ‘Poop’, and he dropped a big one!

I had a great bid shit eating grin and I said ‘Now, eat that poop.’ He was not happy, but what could he do? I had his pistol pointed right at him! So Pancho Villa ate that poop!

And you asked me if I know Pancho Villa??

Yes my friend, I knew Pancho Villa, we had lunch together!”

14

Here’s one that Grandpa told on a Simpsons episode. Sadly, the scene ends before he’s finished telling it.

"One trick is to tell 'em stories that don’t go anywhere - like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you’d say.

Now where were we? Oh yeah: the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones…"

15

In the early 1800’s there was a remote British outpost in what is now Arabia and one of the key soldiers was named Corporal Wainwright. One day his commanding officer called him in to tell him that the entertainment for that night’s regimental dinner was unable to make it on time, and that it was up to the corporal to find some substitute entertainment. Wainwright saluted smartly and left the Colonel’s office. That evening as all the officers and their wives were assembled in the hall, Corporal Wainwright stood before them and addressed them, saying ‘Ladies and Officers. I am Corporal Wainwright and I have been tasked with entertaining you tonight because the planned entertainers were unable to come due to a terrible sandstorm. I thought I would tell you a story about this region.” They seemed to be receptive to the idea so he continued.

“Many years ago in this very part of the desert there lived a very rich sultan who had but one child, a very beautiful daughter who was in her early twenties but alas had a peculiar problem that affected her prospects of ever getting married. Of course the sultan wanted her married very badly to extend his power, but nobody would even consider her for one reason: in her whole life she had never had a bowel movement. People thought she was cursed, and the sultan was desperate to find her a suitor so he made it known that he would pay ten thousand pieces of gold to the person who could cure his daughter of her unfortunate condition and render her eligible for marriage.” He looked around and saw the audience was enthralled by his story so far, so he continued.

“The sultan’s generous offer drew people from far and wide seeking the ten thousand pieces of gold, and in the process his daughter was subjected to the antics of a lot of quacks and countless potions – none of which were successful in curing her of her affliction. The sultan became more desperate with each failure, until one day when a man Mr. Harvey, walked confidently into his palace and positively guaranteed he could cure the princess – but only if the sultan followed his exact instructions, which of course he did. ‘I need you to send some soldiers into the desert at exactly this spot and dig a hole exactly fifty feet in diameter and twenty-five feet deep. Let me know when that has been done and I will tell you the next step’ he said. The sultan immediately ordered his soldiers to do exactly that and the next day he told Mr. Harvey that the first phase had ben accomplished.” Wainwright looked around the audience and saw the looks of anticipation as he continued his story.

“Then Mr. Harvey told the sultan that he needed to construct a wooden platform to cover the large pit and advise him when it had been completed. Of course this was a difficult task as there is not much wood in this part of the world, however the sultan was as desperate as he was rich, so he complied. Finally Mr. Harvey instructed the sultan to have a hole cut exactly eight inches in diameter in the center of the platform and to have his daughter stand directly over it to remedy her condition once and for all. With great procession and anticipation the sultan did precisely as instructed and imagine his surprise when his daughter stood in position and unleashed over twenty years of…well, you get the picture. The sultan was delighted that his daughter, the princess, could now be considered for marriage, and he paid Mr. Harvey the well-earned ten thousand pieces of gold and sent him on his way.” Wainwright saw he had full control of the audience, who thought the long tale had ended, but it hadn’t.

“So Ladies and Gentlemen, I imagine you think that is the conclusion to the story, but it isn’t, not quite. You see after everyone went home the sultan considered that he was out ten thousand pieces of gold, and he had spent a fair bit on the large wooden platform that was in the desert, so he sent soldiers out to the desert to dismantle it. He planned to sell the precious wood to get some of his investment back. When they took the platform apart, they were shocked at what thy found in the pit, absolutely astonished. Do you know what they found?” he asked the audience.

“Wainwright. Everybody shits on Wainwright!”

16

There was an astronomy professor at BYU who would work a Feghoot into every lesson.