A man walks up to the bar and orders a whiskey. He gulps it down, then orders another. The bartender thinks the guy looks really glum, so he leans over and says.
" I don’t usually encourage this sort of thing, since I don’t think a bartender should play psychologist, but you look terrible. You want to tell me about it?"
" Alright." said the man. " I had a feeling that my wife was cheating on me, so I decided to go home at lunch time today and surprise her."
" Well, was she cheating on you?"
" Yeah. I got home, and found her in bed with my best friend."
The bartender looks at him sympathetically for a moment, then asks, " What did you say to the guy?"
“I went up to him, looked him in the eye and said ‘Bad dog!’”
This works best if the rabbits part is said in a high screeching voice, a bit like a parrot. Don’t ask me why, it just does.
A rabbit walks into a butcher’s shop and asks “You got any carrots?” “No,” says the butcher “this is a butcher’s shop. We sell meat, not carrots.” “OK” says the rabbit, and leaves.
The next day the rabbit comes back and asks again “You got any carrots?” “No,” says the butcher “I told you yesterday, this is a butcher’s shop, we sell meat, not carrots.” “OK” says the rabbit, and leaves.
The rabbit returns the next day and asks “You got any carrots?” By now the butcher is really angry and shouts at the rabbit “Look, I’ve told you twice already, this is a butcher’s shop. We sell meat. We do not, have never and will never sell carrots. If you come in here and ask me that question one more time I’ll grab you and nail you to the wall by your ears, Got it?” “OK” says the rabbit, and leaves.
The next day the rabbit comes back again, and asks “You got any nails?” he asks. “No,” says the butcher “this is a butcher’s shop, we sell meat, not nails.”
And the rabbit says…
“You got any carrots?”
You’ve been warned…
A man walks into a bar and orders seven shots of Jack Daniels. The bartender asks “Sir, Why do you want seven shots? Is something wrong?” The man responds “Today I went down on my wife for the first time today.”
The bartender says “Congratulations! Here’s another shot on the house.”
The man answers “If seven shots won’t get the taste out of my mouth,do you think eight will?”
When doing laundry, what does Snoop Dogg use to keep his whites white?
BLLEEAAAAAAAAAAACH!
Why did the lepers have to stop playing ice hockey?
Because there was a face off on the ice.
Why Do Ducks Have Flat Feet?
To Stamp Out Fires!
Why Do Elephants Have Flat Feet?
To Stamp Out Flaming Ducks!
I love that joke more than anyone can ever know.
And This one is just horrible, but for some reason I laugh.
What’s the worst part of sex with a six-year old kid?
Getting The Blood Off Your Clown Suit.
HA!
Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
Wherever you left it…