Alright I’ve heard some pretty good ones before, but now I want to see what all my fellow dopers have so impress me with your best guttbusting jokes.
There’s a hotel that’s looking for a new pianist for their lounge, and they’re interviewing this one guy for the job. He plays a song, and it’s one of the most beautiful songs the interviewer has ever heard. He asks the guy, “That was great; what’s it called?”
The pianist replies, "It’s called My sister’s a lesbian that fucks my other sister.
This is a bit odd to the interviewer, so he asks the pianist to play another song. He does so, and the song is more beautiful than the first, and it brings a tear to the interviewer’s eye, and so the interviewer asks, “That one was even better; what’s the name of this one?”
The pianist happily replies, “That one was called My dog’s gay and he tries to screw my cats."
The interviewer, with an eyebrow raised, thinks to himself, “Hey, these are great songs, so let’s just hear another one to make sure,” and requests that the pianist play a third song. The third song is so moving to the interviewer that he exclaims after it’s completed, “That was the most beautiful and touching song I’ve ever heard! Tell me sir, what is it called?”
And, of course, the pianist replies politely and graciously: "Sir, it’s called My mom’s a dyke who buttfucks me.*”
The interviewer gives the man the job under one condition: that he doesn’t tell anyone what the names of the songs are. That night he plays and the tip jar is overflowing with money. About two hours into the gig, he excuses himself to use the bathroom. He forgets to zip up his fly and walks back out into the lounge. A bus boy comes up to him and pulls him aside and asks him, “Sir, do you know your fly’s unzipped and your cock is hanging out?” to which the pianist replies, “Know it, I wrote it!”
A father has three little girls, and one of them comes up to him one day and asks, "Daddy, why am I named Rose?" to which the father replies, "Honey, when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your forehead, so we named you Rose."
The second daughter comes up to him afterward and asks, "Daddy, why am I named Lily?" to which he replies, "Sweetie, when you were a baby, a lily petal fell on your forehead, so we named you Lily."
The third daughter comes up to him and says, "ajfnkasjtgongodg" and the father replies, "shut up, Cinderblock!"Okay, this is my favorite joke of all time. I’m serious.
Why did the jelly roll?
Because it saw the apple turnover!
Hee, hee!
Horse and chicken are playing in a field one day when the horse suddenly falls into a deep mud hole.
Unable to get out he tells the chicken to go get farmer Joe to get him out.
Well the chicken looks everywhere and can’t find the farmer, so he takes the keys to the farmers Mercedes and backs the car up to the mud hole.
He then lasso’s the horse and ties the other end to the bumper and pulls his friend out.
The very next day the chicken falls into another hole. So he tells the horse to go get the farmer.
Horse then says that he thinks he can stradle the hole and help his friend get out.
So he does and the horse says ok reach up and grab my “thingy” and I’ll pull you out.
So the chicken does just that and is pulled to safety.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
You don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks,
if your hung like a horse.
hehe I have more, but I have to get to work.
I like to tell people that I know a little sign language, but only phoenetically. People either don’t think about it, get a little crosseyed for awhile, or laugh uncontrollably. It’s my best original line.
Best non-original - What’s brown and sticky?
A stick!
Yeah, so I’m stuck in 3rd grade. What’s it to ya.
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick!
Well, this isn’t MY joke, but it’s my fave. I don’t remember who to attribute it to, though, so just keep in mind it’s someone else’s material. Considerable paraphrasing is involved, not because I’m trying to steal it, but because I can’t remember the exact phrasing.
There was this guy from Chicago living in New York. His wife left him, he lost his job, and he found out he had cancer, all in the same week. He decided to kill himself, so he went to the Empire State building to jump off.
As he got out of his cab, he bumped into a lesbian tourist from Boston, who had just arrived in the city that day, and wanted to see the. They ended up sharing an elevator up to the top floor. When they finally got there, she was about to say something when he took a running leap off the edge, and fell all the way down.
Amazingly at the same time, a trampoline was being transported on the street below, and he hit it, and bounced all the way back up to the top, until he was eye to eye with the amazed lesbian. And she says–
“Your jokes have too much buildup, don’t make any sense, and are way too forced.”
-long, awkward pause, with a Loony-Tunes-esque cricket in the background-
No one EVER laughs at that one but me . . .
–
“Hire the guy who works in your dad’s copy shop as an actor, and that’s what you get . . .”
An English Doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital and at the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:
“Fair fa’ yer sonsie face, Great chieftain e’ the puddin’ race! Aboon them a’ ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o’ a grace as lang’s my arm.”
The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into:
“Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit.”
And suddenly the next patient sits up and declaims:
“Wee sleekit cow’rin tim’rous beastie, O what a panic’s in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi’ bickering brattle I wad be laith to run and chase thee, wi’ murdering prattle!”
"Well, said the Englishman to his Scottish colleague, “I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last.”
“Nay, nay,” the Scottish doctor corrected him, “This is the Serious Burns Unit.”
Man is quietly sitting at the corner of the bar.
Bartender sensing something is wrong, asks the younger man whats wrong.
The younger man replies “I’m going to die before tomorrow morning.”
Bartender asks why
and the young man says he found a note under his windshield whiper that simple read:
I know your sleeping with my wife, apoligize to me before tomorrow morning and all is forgiven. If you don’t apoligize by tomorrow I’ll kill you.
The bartender then replies “well just apoligize”
then the younger man simply says “Thats just it I don’t know who wrote the note”
The pet store was selling them for five cents a pieace. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn’t adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it’s third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. God damn cheap monkeys.
I didn’t know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn’t work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.
I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn’t want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn’t go bad.
I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, The odor wasn’t improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn’t take it either. I didn’t bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn’t quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys.
When we said that jokes had to have punchlines, this isn’t what we meant…
I thought it was going to be a shaggy-monkey story…
What’s the definition of a happy sperm?
One with egg on it’s face!
My dog has no nose.
How does he smell?
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Awful!
BTW, love that pianist joke.
I man is in a grocery store checkout buying a six pack, some chips, a few TV Dinners, some forzen burritos, some chips, and some Old Spice. The woman at the checkout says to him, “So you’re single?” The man startled, replis “I am. You could tell that because of what I was buying?” “No, I could tell that because you are fucking ugly.”
Rene Descartes is drinking in a pub. Near closing, the bartender asks, “Mr. Descartes, would you like ‘one for the road’?”
Rene Descartes replies, “I think not…” and suddenly vanishes!
An Englishman sits down at an American diner and orders the soup of the day. The waitress brings it out and the Englishman looks at it disgustedly. “Good lord!” he says, “What is this?” The waitress tells him it’s bean soup. “I don’t care what it’s been; what is it now?”
A funny thing happened to me on the way to the office this morning. A homeless guy came up to me and said, “I haven’t had a bite in three days!” So I picked up a two-by-four and whacked him in the knees with it. He went down like a sack of potatoes. I laughed and laughed!
jr8, I can’t believe I laughed at that.
My 9 yrs old son’s joke, but it made me laugh.
An Irishman, Englisman and a Scotsman were heading home from the war in a plane. The pilot informed them there was too much weight and they each had to drop something out of the plane. The Englisman threw out an apple, the Irishman threw out an orange, and the Scotsman threw out a hand grenade. When the Englishman arrived home his wife was crying, he asked what the matter was and she said “a falling apple killed our son”. When the Irishman arrived home his wife was also crying, when he asked what the matter was she said “a falling orange killed our son”. When the Scotsman arrived home his wife was laughing, when he asked her what was so funny she said “I farted and the house next door blew up”
I just heard this one yesterday but I thought it was pretty good –
Q. How many Texans does it take to eat an armadillo?
A. Two. One with the fork and one to watch for cars.
Q: What happened when the red ship and the blue ship collided?
A: The survivors were marooned.
A vulture walks on to an airplane carrying 2 dead rabbits. The stewardess says, "Sorry sir...we only allow 1 *carrion* per passenger.Because they won’t stop to ask for directions.
A little polar bear comes home from school one day. He walks up to his mom and says, “Mom, are we all polar bear?”
“What do you mean?” she asks.
“I mean, are we 100% polar bear, or are we mixed with something else?”
“We’re 100% polar bear, honey.”
“Okay. Thanks.” And he goes to his room.
Next day, he comes home from school and goes up to his dad.
“Dad, I asked Mom and she said that we’re 100% polar bear. Are you sure we’re not mixed with something else? Maybe grizzly or something?”
“No, son, we’re 100% polar bear. You’re a purebread polar bear.”
“Thanks Dad.” And he heads off to his room.
This goes on all week, until Friday he comes home and walks up to both parents.
“Mom and Dad, have you done a family history? Are you sure that your grandparents weren’t mixed with something? Are you POSITIVE that I’m 100% polar bear?”
“Yes, son, we’ve told you several times. You are 100% polar bear. Why do you keep asking?”
“Because I’m fucking freezing!”