Pouring out my soul...not tired. Tired OF.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I have a bottle of something here, don’t really know or care what it is. It’s a long way to 21, but it doesn’t matter.

I’m just disillusioned and tired…of. That feeling where everything is just pointless and thinking about just ending it, tired OF.

Yes, I’m not tired, I’m tired OF.

My mother has always told me “men are evil, men are scum, men treat you like shit, dont trust them, don’t be friends with any boys and if I catch you talking to one, you’re a goner, men will rape you”

Which they did. To me. years ago. Two of them did to me, at least. And I’ve been blamed for it myself, the second time. The first time I was 9 and couldn’t tell for fear of being killed by him.

My father did die when I was eight, but he wasn’t a horrible man. he was one of the best men I’ve seen. If he saw the way my mother treated me, he’d be angry. She doesn’t hit or anything, though. Not anymore.

But it’s the words. And the captivity.

I’m so depressed that I feel like bashing my brain out with something heavy until I can’t… think anymore, Just at the point where… I don’t care if someone were to push me off a platform in front of an onconming train. Go ahead.

I’m currently seeing a psychologist who does absolutely nothing for me. I got sent to him after I tried to kill myself a year ago. I’ve been to him for a while, and let me tell you, IT DOESNT WORK. WASTE OF FUCKING MONEY, AND I HAVE TO PAY SOMEBODY TO FUCKING LISTEN TO ME. Especially since I can’t tell half of the things in my past to him. Nothing. It’s just “Medicate Floyd until she’s too doped up to notice how shitty everything is” and it continues.

I don’t know what i should do now.

I’m scared too. Lonely, depressed, apathetic, tired, and scared. what is going to happen? I’ve been a horribly unlucky person, if one were to believe in such things as luck, and I wonder why SHIT LIKE THIS HAS TO HAPPEN TO ME, SOMEONE WHO HASN"T DONE ANYTHING TO ANYBODY. I’M A NICE QUIET PERSON, I DON’t BOTHER ANYONE, WHY ME?!

I’m fucking scared. I’ve been in here too long, I want OUT.

2

This is a lot to lay on a message board. You don’t list a city, so I can’t look up services for you, but here’s what I would do if I were you: I would call someone and ask them for help RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

I don’t care if it’s the middle of the night. Call your friend, your sister, your therapist, the police: WHOEVER. Cuz you sound like you are right on the edge. I’d email you my number and have you call ME, but I’d probably do more harm than good, as I’m not a trained psychologist and am the most sarcastic person in the world.

Call someone right now. Right. Now.

3

It’s ok… I’m ok I called somebody.

4

Floyd,
I’m glad you called someone. We can give you our written support, but we can’t rescue you ourselves, as much as we’d like to.

Two things stand out in your post: 1) you hurt, 2) the professional who is supposed to help you isn’t. You need to find someone who will be able to listen to everything and help you get out of your situation.

Please check back in again later and let everyone know how you’re doing.

GT

5

Thank all that’s right and good. I’m praying for you, and I hope you are able to find some positive things to help sustain you in this fight. Bright Blessings find you soon.

6

It’s very good that you called someone and I’m glad you’re ok.

The question I have is… Is your psychologist really doing no good? Or was this a passing low point and dark time where you thought everything is rotten, but overall you can see that progress is being made?

If the answer is the second, it was just a momentary regression, then don’t worry. Everyone has them. Moments when, no matter how good things are (or how much they are improving), everything looks like shit and you doubt everything.

If the answer is the first, he really does absolutely nothing for you, then you must find a new psychologist. Every doctor has their own personal style and rapport with patients. Keep searching until you find one that is effective for you.

As gardentraveler said, we can give you our written support*, but we can’t rescue you ourselves.

Good Luck and keep us updated.

  • and prayers, and good wishes, and hope, etc.
7

Hang in there. It gets better. You’ve got to believe it gets better.

Also, keep posting. There is always someone here who’ll listen and talk to you.

8

Sometimes, for whatever reason, shrinks and patients just are not right for each other. If you can’t tell your doctor your problems, then you need to find another doctor. Your doc can’t help if he doesn’t know all of what’s going on with you. Psychiatric medications can be a wonderful thing, if the only problem is brain chemistry. However, in your case, it seems that you have some issues to work out, too. Medication can help you cope with life while you’re working out the issuse, but if you can’t talk to your current doctor, then you won’t get anything resolved. Get a new doctor, psychologist, social worker, whatever. Get one you can talk to.

9

Another one chiming in with “it gets better”.

Why can’t you tell your psychologist “half the things in your past”?

10

Floyd, i’ve been through a lot too, felt like i wasn’t wanted in my family, raped, physically and sexually abused, my sister was killed, my father committed suicide.

the first time i tried to commit suicide i was too young to get it right (thankfully). i sought psychological help after my sister was killed. i was lucky enough to have a supervisor at work who realized things were not right with me, shared his own experiences with counseling, and set up the first appointment for me. the first doctor i saw refered me to a second. i saw her for 4 years. sometimes, during that time it seemed as though therapy was making me feel worse. but now, looking back, i liken it to lancing a boil, the boil hurts, lancing it hurts more, but if you don’t lance it and let the yuck out it will never get better. psychotherapy is hard. i don’t think people who haven’t been through it get that.

however, if you feel like you can’t tell your doctor things, you should look for a different doctor.

also, if you would like to email me, please feel free to. email is in profile.

and i promise, if you hang tough, things will get better.

11

You might want to get a female therapist as opposed to a male one. I’m not surprised you can’t tell your current therapist half the things that happened to you in the past. Between two rapes and the crap your mom has been metaphorically beating into your brain, you’re going to have trust issues talking to any male.*

There should be women’s crisis centers listed in the phone book. They can undoubtedly provide you with recommendations for therapists, a help line when you’re feeling particularly bad, and just plain old support from people who’ve been where you are.

Good luck. Hang in there. Remember there are people who care about you and want to see you healed.

*I acknowledge there may also be trust issues talking to females. But I’m betting there are more significant ones talking to males. IANAD.

12

I just wanted to let you know that you’re in my thoughts and I hope all great things come your way.

It also seems to me you need a different doctor.

I’ve had lots of crappy years and I’ve actually had some good ones. I want you to have some good ones too. They’re really fun when you get to them.

13

{{{{{Dark Side of the Floyd}}}}

Find another doctor. You can lie and be evasive with yourself, your mother, your friends, etc. but your doctor or your lawyer can’t help you if you don’t tell them the truth and all of the truth. If you are not comfortable with this doctor, find another one.

14

Thank you for the kind words, those who responded… I’ll ask a mod to close.

15

Befor it gets closed I’d like to add my best wishes. You’re one of the more interesting posters here DSotF, and I hope you stick around. And remember teenage years don’t last forever, they only seem to.

16

Count me in as one who cares. You are not alone. Many of us here have been in the very position you’re in, myself included. Email me if you want to talk.

17

Hang in there. I’ve been there, and it’s not a fun place to be, but it DOES get better.

I know it’s trite, but you do have to look at one day at a time. Don’t look at the BIG PICTURE, or worry what’s going to happen. Keep focusing on the immediate for the time being.

And put the bottle away-no good can come from that.

18

Closed at the request of the OP.

Cajun Man
for the SDMB