Pregnancy is not a joke, not a magic fairyland, and you're an idiot

The BBQ Pit
1

I’m in my forties. You would think that I would be years past the stage of having a friend who’s dumb enough to “get caught up in the moment” and take chances, again and again, with unprotected sex.

But nope, turns out I’m not. At least indirectly, I’m not.

The sister of a good friend of mine – who is in her mid-20s – has just discovered love. She works, but in a job that makes it barely possible to scrape by. She has always been a very pretty girl, but just lost a great deal of weight, and I guess that this has caused some interest from the opposite sex where there was none before. She is very inexperienced in terms of romance and sex – one previous relationship that went as far as kissing, and that’s it. But now, she’s met the Love of Her Life, and they are sleeping together.

With no protection, not even the pull-and-pray method.

Studly Studerson won’t use condoms - they make him lose his erection, he claims. She tried the Pill for a month, but experienced undesirable side effects. She is absolutely baffled about other options; she had no idea how to obtain and insert a diaphragm. She is absolutely convinced that if anything happens pregancy wise, Studly will do The Right Thing. Has she talked to him about this? “Oh, no. How would I bring something like that up?”

I believe there’s a pretty fair chance that if the stork did send word, Studly would pack up his bright-red Camero and relocate. She has a vision of marriage and a cottage by the river that’s based on nothing but her fantasies.

Her sister has had a strong talk with her, in which she’s acknowledged that yes, she’s being an idiot. But that acknowledgement hasn’t changed their behavior one bit. Sis even asked her about the possibility of doing other fun things in lieu of intercourse; the girl has never given a BJ before and was very hesitant to try such a nasty thing - that’s where he PEES from, after all.

(I should note that they are adopted sisters, and were raised apart for some time; the girl in question was raised in a VERY repressive environment.)

I am in utter disbelief.

This is a trainwreck that even Slyvia Browne could see coming in advance. This guy treats her very dismissively in public; she hangs on him like he’s Elvis and Jesus rolled into one.

I knew there were dysfunctional people like this in the world – after all, I reasoned, Jerry Springer’s guests had to come from SOMEWHERE. But this girl is a good person — she’s just crippled by some much she doesn’t know and a vision of herself as worthless.

I wish I knew a way to open her eyes.

And Studly has my utter contempt. He’s got a willing, if utterly inexperienced, fuckbunny and he’s content to take whatever she gives without the slightest concern.

Assmunch.

2

I’ll give her a call if you like. I am the unholy product of such a union.

In my mother’s own words:

“It was my birthday. We got drunk, had a poke, and went to the CNE.” The CNE is the Canadian National Exhibition, wherein is contained many rollercoasters and other rides favored by horny 19 year olds. Apparently, my conceptual environment could have double as a bar blender.

It’s amazing I can tie my shoes and pick my nose at the same time.

Jelvus?

3

Forgive my denseness - but I’m not quite clear what you’d say if you called her. “I was lucky even though my parents were careless, but you shouldn’t take these risks,” or “Go right ahead with your approach; my parents did and I turned out fine?”

4

I suppose a copy of this would be pointless, eh? It’s easy, cheap birth control with no side effects, but you do have to actually read the book and say “no” seven days a month… :rolleyes:

5

I blame Bush.

6

There’s nothing on God’s green earth that anyone could say to her that would changer her mind one whit. You could line up a thousand people who have made the same mistakes, and she would ignore it-- she’s different! She would have a million reasons in her mind why her situation and her man are exceptions.

I’d lay money that she’s so afraid of losing him, she’d do anything to keep him happy, including destroying her own life by getting pregnant or an STD (five bucks says if he’s not cheating on her already, he will be before next Christmas.)

And sadly, she’ll go through life this way unless she somehow learns to like herself, and get a little bit of pride. There is a type of guy who looks for girls like her-- guys who build up their own ego by dumping on a girl who fancies herself hopelessly in love with him. She’ll draw 'em like flies.

7

Send her over to the planned parenthood website. They will help her out with birth control for free if she is just scraping by.

Tell her that some kind of pills can be taken in a way that gets rid of your period for all but a few times a year. That will sell birth control on just about anyone.

8

Well, Bricker, this is probably not what you want to hear, but what are the odds that she has quietly decided to get an abortion should she become pregnant, and just not mention this decision to you (or anyone else)? Mind you, I’m certainly not disbelieving that someone can be this clueless.

On preview, I find Lissa’s theory more likely, however. Here’s hoping the girl comes around quickly.

9

More the former. My parents had a hell of a hard time after I was born, financially and relationshipally (it could be a word!). I guess you could say everything worked out okay in the end, and while I’m pleased that I exist and all, my parents probably would have had a much easier time of things had I not come along.

Fine, I won’t call her.

10

She sounds like the kind of person who has to burn to learn, unfortunately. She acknowledges that she’s being a dumbass now, but she won’t realize it till she’s up at 4am with a colicky, screaming baby and Studley nowhere to be found.

11

Bricker, while I realize she probably won’t listen, you might want to mention Depo-Provera. It’s an injection you get every three months which prevents pregnancies. Here are some benefits you might want to play up for her:
[ul][li]It’s more effective at preventing pregnancy than female sterilization, but fully reversible.[/li][li]It’s available through Planned Parenthood and covered by every insurance plan I’ve had through an employer, although, when I interviewed with Catholic Charities, they wouldn’t have covered it.[/li][li]It has fewer side effects than the pill.[/li][li]Among the side effects and the only one I’ve encountered is it’s completely stopped my menstrual cycle. In other words, no fooling about with pads, tampons, etc.[/li][li]Studley doesn’t even have to know she’s on it.[/ul][/li]I have a feeling the last two may be the most effective ones. :frowning:

Sheesh!!! Yesterday, the gentleman and I were discussing abortion and he wondered how one could be having sex regularly with a person and yet not have discussed the possibility of pregnancy. It looks like I’ll have something to tell him tonight.

I’m sorry you’ve met such a person. All I can do is wish her luck. It sounds like she’ll need it. If you like, tonight or tomorrow morning I can post or send you a link to a website which has information on various birth control methods to pass on to her. It’s from the FDA, I think, and reasonably unbiased.

CJ

12

There’s also the “injected the tubes subcutaneously” method. I think that one lasts like 5 years or something. My son’s girlfriend went on that.

13

The trouble at this point, even if she does not become pregnant, is that Studley sounds like he might be a breeding ground for STD’s.

14

Is Norplant the one you’re thinking of?

15

All those birth control options are great; however, there’s the possibility she has a secret plan to get pregnant because she thinks it’ll keep Studley around.

16

I might tell her of my experiences working with pregnant women. Many women lose weight right before becoming pregnant - it was on their to-do list before (next) baby, losing weight made them more fertile, or it made them seek a new partner. Unfortunately, if you don’t have some time between the weight loss and the pregnancy, MOST of the weight piles back on in the first trimester. I’ve seen it so often that I take it as a truth, although it’s just my observation.

I’d treat her as if she were seeking to become pregnant, and advise her to delay pregnancy to insure the weight loss stays, but buy her pre-natal vitamins. Costco sells some good, cheap vitamins and she really should be taking some folic acid with her current behavior.

17

Most of the points I was going to make have already been made.

Depo-Provera is an excellent form of birth control.

I’m also the result of such a union, except he cut and ran.

Please, please encourage her to take her folic acid. 70% of all neural tube defects like spina bifida can be prevented by one simple vitamin containing 400 micrograms of folic acid.

And Planned Parenthood is very kind, and very patient, in my experience.

I don’t think any of it will do much good, but we can hope. Stupidity can be very willful. :frowning:

18

On the birth control, most of them don’t address the problem of STDs, which are likely a bigger concern than they normally would be with Studley.

On the secret plan - no doubt, in my mind. I bet that is exactly what she’s planning. Even if she isn’t now, about 3 seconds after she finds out he’s cheating on her or thinks he wants out - she will be.

19

I have friends like this, too. Which I guess you would expect, since I’m 19. It’s so sad, but like anything else in love and war, nothing you can say can really change anything at this point (since she’s already showed enough denseness, and willingness to stay in her fantasy world, to her other friends).

I haven’t had sex without birth control of some kind ever, not once. I haven’t used a condom in a long time, but my current GF has an IUD in there, so it’s all gravy. She has no complaints, and Wikipedia says it’s the cheapest available form of birth control, as well as being just about as effective as the pill. It lasts 2, 5 or 10 years, depending on the type.

20

I had a friend in a very similar situation. Strangely enough, what opened her eyes (or at least got her to dump the jerk) was when a friend’s boyfriend (a man she’d never met before) deconstructed the jerk’s behavior for her. In other words, he explained to her why her “boyfriend” was acting the way that he was, and why guys do this and that.

I think based in part on her own dissatisfaction with the relationship and on the realization that a man who loved her wouldn’t treat her the way she was being treated, she broke it off. Maybe there’s a possibility this girl could benefit from a male perspective on the matter.

But I have to echo the other posters who’ve said that they suspect she is interested in starting a family with this man as a way to keep him. Perhaps it would be helpful to drop a word in Studly’s ear about how long child support payments last, what a debtor’s exam is, and how tenacious a lawyer with nothing but time and a bone to pick can be. If she won’t change her behavior, perhaps he will change his.