So there’s SPOOFE, hater of chat rooms, in a chat room, planning out a trip to San Francisco to see Hedwig in January. The girl who started the chat room called the room… San Francisco (how original, eh?). So, two lady friends and I are discussing our arrangements, when a random guy comes into the chat room… he catches the tail end of a conversation and happens to be intrigued…
FEMALE FRIEND 1: “we’ll sleep wherever we land. that’s my motto.”
SPOOFE: “And our mouths will go wherever they land, too… That’s my motto.”
That’s… uh… innocent enough, right? Yeah… well, anyway, understandably, Mr. Random’s ears perk right up and decides to join in the conversation…
MR RANDOM: “is that rite”
Yes, he wrote R-I-T-E.
Now, I’m amused by this, and let it be known (not with a “LOL”, mind you… with a loud, hearty “HA!”).
SPOOFE: “Well, hello Mr. (or Mrs.) Randomperson.”
FF1: “uh…how’d you get here?”
MR RANDOM: “i just went to the sf chat”
Okay, an innocent mistake. The guy’s just running around the chat boards, looking around. That’s fine, nothing wrong with that. I will admit, however, that we did want to keep things relatively private (if there’s a way to make AIM buddy chat private, the girl who made the chat room forgot to implement it). But I don’t want to come out and tell this guy he’s not wanted… I’m sure he’s swell and just looking for some fun. BUT… there’s still a conundrum… how to regain the privacy for the three of us without telling this guy to “Go away!”
So I let things progress a bit…
FF1: “oh - ha ha… oh yeah. i titled this san francisco rather than my screen name… we’re just friends planning a trip to san francisco… that’s all… nothing fancy”
MR RANDOM: “oh mah bad”
Oh, so maybe he’ll just head off to more active waters of his own volition… sweet… BUT…
MR RANDOM: “r u all females”
::sigh:: Why do I ever get my hopes up about my species?
FF1: “1 male - 2 females”
MR RANDOM: “who’s female”
FF1: “myself”
FF2: “and me”
SPOOFE: “Not I.”
MR Random: “where u all from”
Ah. At least he had enough class not to say “A/S/L”… of course, he should have, because the “A” aspect that he neglected is gonna come back and haunt him…
FF1: “southern california”
FF2: “ditto”
SPOOFE: “I’m not. I live on a tiny island in the Pacific with a skinny guy named Gilligan, a brainiac named Professor, and a bunch of other fuckers.”
Yeah. I’m witty like that. Go me.
MR RANDOM: “what race r u guys”
Race?
That’s a new one for me.
FF1: “pale”
FF2: “i’m part of the red-faced folk… we’re a dyin breed”
SPOOFE: “I’m a member of a little-known race of exotic Egyptian Eskimos.”
FF1: “he is - really”
SPOOFE: “'Cuz, you see, Egypt used to be covered in ice, ages ago.”
Okay, I’m just trying to be weird to, frankly, scare the guy off. To show him that no, the ladies present are NOT gonna go try to hook up with some random guy with bad spelling in a chat room.
MR RANDOM: “when u comin to the bay”
FF1: “january”
Back in regular IM, my friend is telling me that the guy is a little creepy, and that she wishes he’d go away. I start thinking of a plan…
MR RANDOM: “its just u 3 comin up”
FF1: “some other friends, too… about 6 of us”
MR RANDOM: “souns like fun”
Okay, I’m starting to get the suspicion that the next question is going to be something like “where r u stayin” or “can i cum 2”, so I plan to intercept such an outcome…
SPOOFE: “Well, we went to SF about thirty years ago, and our best friend Dolores died up there in a street car accident, so we’re going to return to mourn her.”
A lie. I’ve never been to SF before, I’m only 21, and I never knew anyone named Dolores who died in a street car accident. However…
MR RANDOM: “sorry to hear that”
MR RANDOM has left the room.
Mission accomplished.
