Privacy and personal problems

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m having some emotional problems related to my relationship, the circumstances surrounding said relationship, and life in general. I know I should probably talk to someone about it all, but I just don’t have anyone in my life that I feel like I can talk about it with.

It’s not that I don’t have people I’m close to, although I’ve drifted apart somewhat from most of them due to various circumstances. The problem is that I’m an intensely private person, and only one of these people has any clue how to keep their frigging mouths shut. My SO has the unfortunate tendency to broadcast personal information all over his workplace–not just to his colleagues, but to his bosses, and to various coworkers’ significant others. We’ve discussed this, and he tries, but I just know that as soon as someone asks him what’s wrong he’ll spill the whole story, and it’ll be all over the damn office.

My best friends from school are even worse. I love them dearly, but they’re both the epitome of the Mouth of the South. Every thing they hear comes right back out their mouths, to their husbands, their parents, their in-laws, various old mutual friends, you name it. Discretion is just not in their dictionary.

My other close friends would just talk about me with one another, and with the SO, but that’s really no better. It’s the whole idea of people talking about me behind my back that just rips my soul to shreds, you see.

My mother wouldn’t feel the need to discuss it with everyone in creation (I don’t think), but she tried really hard to talk me out of certain decisions I’ve made that contributed to this mess. I’m way too stiffnecked to call her up and say, “Guess what, Mom? You were right; it was a huge mistake, and I’m really screwed now.”

I guess I was just hoping that maybe I could get some of it out in the atmosphere of combined intimacy and anonymity that I’ve noticed while lurking here. If anybody has a sympathetic ear, it would really be appreciated.

2

Hi stella, welcome to the boards. You are quite right in that many people feel comfortable posting personal things here that they can’t speak to anyone about in real life. And almost always much support and good advice is given. Sometimes even a good kick in the behind when needed.
So that said, I’m sorry to hear you’re having difficulties and feel free to expand on whatever you’re comfortable sharing.

3

Thanks, Salem. I’m not really sure how deep I want to go into this, since the SO is a member here and I’d really prefer he didn’t know that I’m posting here.

Let’s just say that I recently made some pretty major sacrifices for the sake of the SO and our relationship; sacrifices that, in retrospect, I rather wish I hadn’t made. There were issues in the relationship that I swept under my mental rug, convincing myself that things would get better as our work situations changed. The relationship issues aren’t the big thing, though. We’re both aware of them now, and are willing to take steps to fix them, and I think they are fixable.

I just don’t know that they’re fixable under this particular set of circumstances. The sacrifices I made have left me in a position where I feel utterly lost and alone, with nothing and no one to cling to, and that’s just a really bad head-state for working on a relationship. I recently made some suggestions for altering the situation so that maybe I could improve my own head enough to be able to improve the relationship, but those suggestions weren’t received well at all.

I think the sacrifices I’ve already made are probably a lot of my problem finding someone to talk to about this. I mean, a shrink is the fairly obvious answer, as therapy would certainly be confidential and probably more effective than talking to my SO or friends or family. I almost certainly need therapy, as I find myself having fairly unhealthy thoughts on a pretty regular basis–thoughts about drinking till I can’t remember any of this mess, a strange compulsion to curl up under the bed and suck my thumb, that sort of thing–and these thoughts frighten me.

I just can’t bring myself to do it, though. Baring my soul to a stranger, admitting just how badly I’ve messed my life up, would rip away the few shreds of dignity and privacy I’ve left myself, and those few shreds are all I have left of the person I used to be. They may be self-defeating, but they’re all I’ve got, so I cling to them even more fiercely than I would under other circumstances. I know that it’s stupid, and even dangerous, but I’ve always been the sort of person who’d rather drown quietly than disturb someone else by waving her arms for help.

4

You’re not disturbing a therapist, though. Just like the lifeguard whose job it is to save the drowing, it’s a therapist’s job to help you see your way out of a quagmire like this. The difference is, the therapist won’t drag you out - he or she will help you see how to do it yourself, and suggest things that will help you. Don’t think of it so much as admitting defeat to a stranger - if you do have something going on psychologically, it’s not all that different from seeing a regular doctor and saying you need some help with your weight, or that you’re not feeling so well, etc.

It sounds like you’ve put a lot of time into this relationship, or at least you perceive it that way. I was in a relationship that had gone bad but for a while I hung in there, figuring that I’d put so much time in anyway, I might as well stick with it - and that’s no way to think about it. Wouldn’t you rather work on fixing the situation, whether it means resolving the problems or even ending the relationship, as long as it means down the road you’ll be better off?

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Very true. I am a therapist, and it is a thousand times more “disturbing” when someone does not access my support in a crisis than when they do.

I also wish to emphasize for you the fact that a good therapist is not going to be shocked by or judgemental of your situation. There are very few things a client could tell me these days which would elicit those responses, and even when they do, I know that those responses say far more about me than about the client.

Obviously I’m biased, but I’d encourage you to give therapy a try.

6

It really sounds like therapy could be the answer for you. If you’re worried about admitting your mistakes, try thinking of it as unburdening yourself. You’re carrying around all of these worries and emotions and you’re looking for a place to set them down for a while. A therapist will provide that place for you – someone you can talk to who will not judge you, and who will be required by her profession not to share what you tell her with anyone else. Remember that no matter what you’ve done or what you’re going through, the therapist will have dealt with many other people who have done the same things, or things that are much worse. Your problems are unique and significant to you, and your therapist will recognize that, but at the same time, you’ll just be one of the clients she sees, and probably not the most troubled one.

A therapist is someone you can cling to when you feel alone, and as Ferret Herder says, she’s not going to be dragging you down, she’ll be helping you out.

[sub]Disclaimer: I am not a therapist. I used the word “she” in the above for convenience, YTherapistMV. Sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right therapist for you. Don’t give up – help is out there.[/sub]