My sister. Her son is 21 and still living with her, FTR.
To be fair, her second husband, her son’s stepfather, was seriously bad news, and definitely abusive. That burned her a lot, and I guess her reasoning was that her relationship with her son was the only one she could count on, and she didn’t want him to be hurt again, so she made all subsequent decisions in his favor. Again, a good theory, but one that made him into a little tin god.
I agree, Primaflora, that the custodial parent has every right to a social and romantic life.
I see where you’re going with this but it’s a little vague.
Perhaps a better way of stating this would be:
The boyfriend’s continued contact with his other ex, provided it is of a romantic nature, or the purpose of which is to continue or initiate a romantic relationship, indicates that the present relationship is very fragile.
My fiance has continued contact with her ex-boyfriend of a non-romantic nature and I don’t feel that our relationship is fragile or threatened at all. That was one of the concerns I had about Citygirl checking her SO’s e-mail. Perhaps she misunderstood the communications due to her current state of mind. It is also the reason I stressed openess, communication and truth in one of my previous posts. The father should be telling/have told Citygirl about the contact and the nature of the contact with his ex out of respect for her and clarity of the relationship.
Precaution: I don’t have children of any variety, so feel free to take everything I say with a grain of salt.
One thing I do know, however, is that children thrive on routine, consistency, and absolutes. They need to know what will happen day to day, and any break from that really throws them. It sounds like the past few years have wrought tremendous changes on their family, environment, schedules, everything. It’s been chaotic for them (especially the 5yo, since he knows the difference) for at least the past two years, maybe longer.
Please don’t think I am blaming you for your previous decisions, but for you to have moved in, then out, then back in again must have been yet another extremely significant series of changes for the kid to adjust to. To me, his hostility towards you (as others have said, I highly doubt it’s really about you as a person) is his only way of reacting to the state of flux around him. Hell, if I was living at home and my parents were acting that way, it would piss me off! And I’m old enough to understand! He needs everyone and everything around him to just settle down and be on an even keel for long enough for him to find an even keel, himself.
I guess to that end, the best advice I can give is for you to do your best to establish routines with him and adhere to them strictly for as long as it takes for him to get comfortable. You may already do these things, but actively participating in Bedtime At 8:30 (or whatever), Library on Saturday Mornings, Church on Sundays, any other rules and shared activities that you and he are both players in will help establish you as reliable, which can only be a good thing.
As for this kid’s father and your love, I know how that can be. While I seriously question how grown-up he really is, it’s in everyone’s best interest for you two to work on your relationship together, and leave the 5yo’s desires for it out of the eqation. Friction between the two of you will only bleed down to the kids. They can sense those things and are a hell of a lot more aware of the nuances of their surroundings than most people like to admit.
And finally, it may be worth assuring the kid that you are not trying to be his new mommy, or to replace her, or to make him love you more than her. I’m appalled that your SO would tell them that they were going to have a new mommy, be she you, someone else, or Mother Theresa. They already have a mommy, no matter how much of a screw-up she is. Their loyalty will be with her no matter what. The challenge truly lies in making the kids and their father understand that you bring love, fulfillment, and stability in addition to that which they got from the mother.
I wish you the best of luck and long happiness. Where there’s a will, there’s a way, right?