Hey all, i’ve noticed a fair ammount of techies on this board so i ask, anyone know any good programming jokes? The only really good one i know is:
While(deadhorse)
{
Beat();
}
“…the dark side of the mirror always threw our malice back…”
The only thing I can think that comes close is:
What’s the difference between a computer salesman and a car salesman?
The car salesman knows when he’s lying.
I’m quite certain that our members can come up with literally thousands of funny programmer jokes. However, the proper forum for them is MPSIMS. I’ll move the thread over there for you.
Change Your Password, Please and don’t use HTML, as it has been disabled, but you can learn about superscripts here
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size=“1” face=“Verdana, Arial”>code:</font><HR><pre>
#include “stdio.h”
#define e 3
#define g (e/e)
#define h ((g+e)/2)
#define f (e-g-h)
#define j (e*e-g)
#define k (j-h)
#define l(x) tab2/h
#define m(n,a) ((n&(a))==(a))
long tab1={ 989L,5L,26L,0L,88319L,123L,0L,9367L };
int tab2={ 4,6,10,14,22,26,34,38,46,58,62,74,82,86 };
main(m1,s) char s; {
int a,b,c,d,o[k],n=(int)s;
if(m1==1){ char b[2j+f-g]; main(l(h+e)+h+e,b); printf(b); }
else switch(m1-=h){
case f:
a=(b=(c=(d=g)<<g)<<g)<<g;
return(m(n,a|c)|m(n,b)|m(n,a|d)|m(n,c|d));
case h:
for(a=f;a<j;++a)if(tab1[a]&&!(tab1[a]%((long)l(n))))return(a);
case g:
if(n<h)return(g);
if(n<j){n-=g;c=‘D’;o[f]=h;o[g]=f;}
else{c=’\r’-’\b’;n-=j-g;o[f]=o[g]=g;}
if((b=n)>=e)for(b=g<<g;b<n;++b)o**=o[b-h]+o[b-g]+c;
return(o[b-g]%n+k-h);
default:
if(m1-=e) main(m1-g+e+h,s+g); else *(s+g)=f;
for(*s=a=f;a<e 
*s=(*s<<e)|main(h+a++,(char *)m1);
}
}
Oh, you meant a joke **about** programming. Sorry.
The above is a joke, by the way. Anyone get it?These aren’t really “jokes”, but if your taste runs that way, you might find this site humorous.
The International Obfuscated C Code Contest
Then there’s this oldie:
There was an engineer, manager and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said, “To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have a meeting and, through process of continuous improvement, develop a solution.”
The engineer said, “No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty penknife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it.”
The programmer said, “I think you’re both wrong! I think we should all push that car back up the hill and see if it happens again.”
whoa, shoot. Damn ubb, anyway. Please ignore previous post while I go try to figure out how to escape things. I see at least two problems with the above.
blah. Well, try this link.
Warning: The URL name pretty much gives it away. (Like anyones going to actually look at this.)
Umm, i looked at it. Does that count?
“…the dark side of the mirror always threw our malice back…”
Here’s a techie joke I heard. Let’s see if I can tell it right:
A business manager decides to go out and do something different for his weekend. Something fun so he can relax. He decides to take a trip in a hot air balloon. Unfortunately he is alone and he soon gets lost. He manages, finally, to find somebody and calls down to them. “Hey, Buddy” he says “Can you tell me where I am?”
“Sure,” the guy replies. “Your in a baloon hovering twelve feed off the ground. You are moving in a South Westerly direction at about 15 miles per hour.”
“You must be a computer technician.” says the manager.
“How can you tell?”
“Because all the information you gave me is totally acurate but completely useless!”
“Well, you must be a business manager.” says the techie.
“How can you tell??”
“Because you’re in the same situation you were five minutes ago, but now it’s my fault.”
That was hilarious!
I’m dying over here!! (h+e) (h+e)!
Hahaha, that reminded me of another one.
Q: How many software techs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. That’s a hardware problem.
So…
Q: How many hardware techs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. They’ll fix it later in software.
And that right there is what’s wrong with the computer industry nowadays…
“…the dark side of the mirror always threw our malice back…”
From the world of FileMaker Pro…
If [Status(currentclient)“computer-savvy”
and Status(currentproject)=“complex”,
Loop
Go to Record [first]
Set Field [Contract, Case(not Exists(Contract) or not IsValid(Contract) or IsEmpty(Contract), PaidOptions::InAdvance, Exists(Contract) and IsValid(Contract) and not IsEmpty(Contract), Contract&Attorney::Consultation_Renegotiation)]
If DailyBullshitEst(EstProjectDoneDate-Status(currentdate))>MaxTolerableBullshit,
Perform AppleScript{
activate
set TheClient to Status(currentclient)
set CurrentGod to Divination of ThatWhichIs
tell CurrentGod to select TheClient
delete selection
end tell}
End If
Go to Record [Next, Exit after last]
Exit Loop If(not exists(currentproject))
End Loop
End If
Disable Similes in this Post
The Twelve Bugs of Christmas
For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.
For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say it’s not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Tell them it’s a feature
Say it’s not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
Q: How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they redefine darkness to be the industry standard.
Two computer programmers are meeting in the park to bike riding. One programmer rides up and sees the first on a very nice, brand new bike.
The other programmer says, “Great bike! Where did you get it?”
The first replies, “I got here a half hour early. As I’m waiting, this beautiful blond rides up, takes off all her clothes and said I could have anything I wanted!”
The second says, “Good choice! Her clothes wouldn’t’ve fit you anyway!”
“If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.”
“Anyone who trusts a computer programmer deserves what happens to him.”
“Programmers stand on the toes of those who came before them.”
“Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away”. - Phillip K. Dick
LOL AHunter3! That’s exactly the kind of thing i was looking for. Oh yeah that reminds me, i’ve got this fake CERT advisory written about ID4 (the movie independance day) and the destruction of the aliens. Gotta see if i can find it though… 
“…the dark side of the mirror always threw our malice back…”
Can i get an amen?!
“…the dark side of the mirror always threw our malice back…”
LUBARSKY’S LAW OF CYBERNETIC ENTOMOLOGY:
There’s always one more bug.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
1 Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
2 Any given program costs more and takes longer.
3 If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
4 If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
5 Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
6 The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
7 Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.
GILB’S LAWS OF UNRELIABILITY:
1 Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
2 Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
3 Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors which, by definition, are limited.
4 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.
TROUTMAN’S PROGRAMMING POSTULATES: note that these are ancient laws
1 If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will malfunction.
2 Not until a program has been in production for at least six months will the most harmful error be discovered.
3 Job control cards that positively cannot be arranged in improper order will be.
4 Interchangeable tapes won’t.
5 If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
(* see next two laws).
6 Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
MURPHY’S LAW–COROLLARY #8:
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
SHAW’S PRINCIPLE:
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
BROOK’S LAW:
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
GRAY’S LAW OF PROGRAMMING:
‘n+1’ trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as ‘n’ tasks.
LOGG’S REBUTTAL TO GRAY’S LAW:
‘n+1’ trivial tasks take twice as long as ‘n’ trivial tasks.
COLE’S LAW:
Thinly sliced cabbage.
LAWS OF COMPUTERDOM ACCORDING TO GOLUB:
MISCELLANY:
Swallow a toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
If you do a job twice it’s yours.
The more you do–the more you gotta do.
LUCE’S LAW:
No good deed goes unpunished.
UPWARD MOBILITY RULE:
Don’t be irreplaceable.
If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
RULES OF PRATT:
HELLER’S MYTH OF MANAGEMENT:
The first myth of management is that it exists.
The second myth of management is that success equals skill.
DENNIS’S PRINCIPLES OF MANAGEMENT BY CRISIS:
TAYLOR’S DISCOVERY:
In any organization there are only two people to contact if you want results-the person at the very top and the person at the very bottom.
Tom~
And, of course, my personal favorite (not specific to computerdom, but widely prevalent in computerdom):
THE SEVEN PHASES OF A PROJECT
=============================
Tom~
All programs contain at least one bug, and can be reduced by one line of code. Therefore every computer program can be reduced to a single line of code that doesn’t work.
Theorem: All programs are dull.
Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all sets can be well ordered, so do it porperly). The minimal element is the least interesting program, the obvious dullness of which provides the contradictory denouement we so devotoutly seek.
From The Devil’s DP Dictionary
by Stan Kelly-Bootle
Virtually yours,
DrMatrix