Protip: Workaholics can't play the 'No quality time' card

The BBQ Pit
1

My uncle is turning 70 on Monday. Yaaaayy! The party is an 8 hour drive from me on Saturday afternoon. Not so yaaay. But family is coming in from from several states (and at least one cousin is supposed to be making a trip from China) so it is definitely worth the trip. This event has been on the family calendar for three months.

Lil’ Andrew is back home just this week from spending a month with Pop-of-Andrew’s parents in another state. Pop-of-Andrew said he wanted to take Lil’ Andrew to his hometown (four hours in the other direction) on Saturday to see friends. I mentioned the reunion and he said, “Lil’ Andrew won’t want to go. He won’t know anyone. He would much rather see the family friends that we only see once a year or so.” (Pop scheduled clients Saturday morning, so his attendance was never on the table).

Okaaaaaay. So now if I make Lil’ Andrew go with me, I’m the bad guy. Keeping him away from spending time with family friends and his Pop (who has scheduled clients to 9pm each night Lil’ Andrew has been back home, btw). Then Wednesday Pop tells me he’s heard from family friend: they have plans and will not be home this weekend. Great! Clear schedule to see the family! So I tell Lil’ Andrew Wednesday evening to begin thinking about what to pack for the trip, etc. He seems upset, but I chalk it up to not wanting to drive 8 hours after finishing a 15 hour drive home on Monday. Yeah, that wasn’t it.

I mention this morning to Pop-of-Andrew that I’m thinking about leaving Friday and getting a hotel room for us halfway there to break up the 8 hour drive. He says, “Us?” and I say yes, family friend trip is off so I’m taking Lil’ Andrew with me. Then Pop told me he has already promised to take Lil’ Andrew to Ghostbusters and have a guys weekend without me, because Lil’ Andrew will not want to go and will not have any fun at a 70 year old man’s birthday party.

I told him that in all the years we took Lil’ Andrew to Pop’s family reunions, we never once asked if he wanted to go. Pop said that was because we were both going. I said I thought it was because it was family. Pop said “He won’t know anyone there.” I said, “He’ll never know his family if he doesn’t go and meet them.” Then Pop says, “I only scheduled a half day of clients so I could spend time with Lil’ Andrew” I told him that I was really hoping he would be able to spend another Saturday with his son, but that my uncle would only turn 70 once. We both then headed out for work.

I called Pop-of-Andrew on my way home from work. I offered to get Lil’ Andrew and meet him at our favorite yogurt shop for their $3 Thursday deal so the guys could see each other today before Pop’s first private client. Turns out Pop is already at his second job. He declines the yogurt, then asks, “Have you decided if you’re going to make Lil’ Andrew go with you or if you’re going to let him stay have fun with me?” I answered, “That was a loaded questions, but yes, I’m taking Lil’ Andrew with me.” We go back through he won’t know anyone and won’t have any fun, then Pop asks, “Are you prepared to put up with the attitude you’ll get the entire time from him?” I made him repeat it but he seemed unaware of the irony in his question, so I just said that I was.

Pop-of-Andrew and I have been having problems. We’re in counseling. This makes me really nervous about what kind of crap he’ll pull if we end up having joint custody. :eek::frowning:

TL;DR – DH is a selfish asshole

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Oh for fuck’s sake.
As you pointed out your uncle only has one 70th birthday. Movies play every day.

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How old is Lil’ Andrew?

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He just turned 13.

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I’m kind of in the “don’t drag a 13 year old on an eight hour drive each way for an event he doesn’t want to go to and won’t enjoy.” I could sort of see it if it were closer, or a wedding, or if the relationship was closer (grandparent or even uncle). But great-uncle? Eight hours?

I’d say go by yourself and actually enjoy yourself.

6

How old should Little Andrew be, Mom, before his opinion about whether to participate in an event carries weight?

7

Are they interested in meeting him?

Long story short, when I was eleven, my parents brought me to a family reunion that I thought I would enjoy. Didn’t cross my mind to object. If I’d known that the rest of the gathering – all adults, most over fifty – didn’t want an eleven-year-old there, if I’d known they were going to give me the silent treatment for over a week, I would have objected strongly.

8

I’m 27 and for family events my opinion still doesn’t carry any weight!

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32 here, and same deal. I don’t mind, because both wings of my family are freakin’ awesome. Just make sure I have enough warning, something something workaholic, 2 jobs, no free time.

OP, sounds like Pop is intentionally being not nice. Sorry :frowning:

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Granted, it sounds like this family has some deeper relationship issues, but even so, I happen to agree with this post.

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His opinion has always carried weight. The weight is in proportion to his maturity level and ability to understand the issues involved. At 18 months, he preferred broccoli to peas. I did not force him to eat peas. At 18 months, he preferred ice cream to vegetables. I did force him to eat vegetables.

If this were going to be seven septuagenarians eating pureed birthday cake in a nursing home, I would give his opinion considerably more weight. But this is a full blown family reunion built around the excuse of one man’s birthday. My parents will be there, and they haven’t seen Lil’ Andrew in a few months. All my Dad’s surviving siblings, and various members of their progeny, will be there. The birthday boy’s three children (my cousins) will be in from three different states; along with most of their children (Lil’ Andrew’s age-ish).

One second cousin is attempting to travel in from China – I haven’t heard if he has arrived or not. Several of my second cousins also have children, so the age range for the guest list is from two weeks to 76 years. One of my cousins is a published author. Lil’ Andrew loves to write and I think meeting her will be an experience worth having. (To be fair, they have met once. But he was three and doesn’t remember it).

The official party is from 2-6p at the hometown church. However, the local bbq joint is on notice that most of us will be descending on it for dinner. Also, several of us have booked rooms at a local hotel and will be attending church the next morning with the family. A family gathering of this magnitude is not going to happen again for several years, if ever. And it will likely be for a funeral.

So I have weighed the wish of a teenage boy to go to a movie that will play for weeks with the father that lives in the same house with him against the rare opportunity to meet cousins and authors and international travelers. He’s going with me.

Besides, as I’ve told Lil’ Andrew already, “You’re the most impressive thing I’ve ever done. I want to show you off.” :wink:

12

This type of thing comes up often with kids.

When my grandmother was alive she would make an annual party for all her children and grandchildren etc. Over the years it got bigger and bigger, and after she died her kids decided to keep it going (at this point they rent a hall - we have a lot of big families). But my kids are very unenthusiastic. They know their first cousins, but they’re not interested in traveling to another city to hang around with mostly second-cousins that they see once a year.

On the other hand, it’s a very big deal for my mother, and she would be hurt if they didn’t come. So far, we’ve been making (or at least “strongly encouraging”) them come. But it’s a close call.

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I’d say ask him if he wants to go. There are some occasions that may warrant forced attendance.
A 70th for a great uncle? nah!

I suspect my kids don’t know and don’t care who their great-uncles are and I certainly don’t know who my great-uncles are. If the rest of your family are bothered about meeting your boy then I’m sure they’ll travel 8hrs or more to meet him.

No, I’m not one for family get-togethers since you ask.

14

Hey, living in Mom’s basement comes with some responsibilities…

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I can see this argument from the perspective of both parents. You guys need to come to some sort of agreement. It sounds like there is not currently a custody/parenting plan in place, but normally that will give you clear guidance on which parent has priority in making the decision.

As for the son, let me share one of my experiences… I was about 11 when my parents went to a big family reunion. I had lots of cousins and I knew many of them fairly well. There was at least the theory it might be fun. The problem is that most of us kids were shuffled around the event with our parents, meeting old people we didn’t know and didn’t care about, and we had very little time to play or even talk to each other. I’m not a big party person to begin with. I hate mingling. It was a truly miserable experience and I honestly don’t remember anything about the out-of-state relatives who were there. They were all strangers who just happened to share some genetic material with us.

I have a framed picture from that event on my desk at work. My mother and I are sitting under a tree playing a card game (just the two of us). That moment was valuable to me.

16

You are doing the right thing, Mom. And the Pop in this story is a jerk.

17

There is no way in hell I’d want to drive eight hours anywhere with my mom at 13. Just out of curiosity, why not fly? It wouldn’t be quite so torturous, especially after a 15 hour drive.

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UPDATE: Pop-of-Andrew has come up with a fairly reasonable compromise. He is taking Lil’ Andrew to dinner and the movie tonight. They’ll be with another couple that Lil’ Andrew likes a lot. I’ll crash early, then get up at 4am to load up. I’ll pour Lil’ Andrew into the car at 5am and take off. With luck, he’ll sleep a good part of the drive up.

The reunion is in BFE, and we live in outer BFE. The closest airport to us is a regional place a couple of hours away. The selection of flights is slim, and wouldn’t get us close to where we needed to be. We’d have to change planes at a hub or drive over half the distance anyway in a rental car.

And I’m quite devious. After listening to his music for three or four hours, Lil’ Andrew likes to talk. He’ll even talk to me if he gets bored enough. It’s a rare thing to get a 13 year old to talk to his mom.

Thank you.

That’s what I think, too, but I’m not really impartial right now. Nice to get outside corroboration.

I’ll have fun. And if Lil’ Andrew can’t find anyone to talk to, he will be given my tablet. It has its own data plan and a great YouTube app. That’s what he would be doing at home while Pop-of-Andrew was at work.

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Not my business, really, but since you bring it up, it’s worth appreciating that the opinion of people whose entire knowledge of the situation is based on the facts that you’ve laid out and the manner that you’ve presented them is not “outside corroboration”.

20

True.

We’re only getting one of multiple sides of this issue. FWIW, I hope they have a good time.