Public farting

[Cluricaun]

Back when I was living in northeastern Oregon my buddy and I drove to Portland to pick up another of his buddies who had come out for a visit. We spend the weekend drinking in Eugene with some friends we knew there and were leaving Sunday when we decided to stop for breakfast. Since we were in mixed hippie company we went to some vegan joint to eat. We wolfed down our vegan slop and hopped back into the 87 El Camino (mind you this made three 21 year old dudes sitting across one bench seat thigh to thigh) for the 5 or 6 hour ride back to La Grande. Mind you we had been drinking keg beer all night and eating lord knows what at this hippie place.

It was about 10 minutes outside of Eugene that it started. Ben, the driver let one fly and it was horrific. Windows down, hand fanning, “Aw fuck man” horrific. From that point on…let’s just say we nearly drove into the Columbia river gorge numerous times from nearly passing out with laughter and lack of oxygen. I don’t think any of us went more than a minute without loosing a trouser trombone of epic proportions. When we got back to our place even my clothes smelled like farts…

[robardin]

I just had a funny incident related to semi-public farting (office restroom).

I entered the restroom a few minutes ago and there was a man, a rather high-ranking one in fact, at a urinal who had been the only person in there and must have decided he could let go of a loud one. BWWAAAA.

But, when he heard the bathroom door open as I came in, he must have clamped down to try to silence his trumpeting, but only succeeded in raising the pitch and making it last longer. BWWAAAAAaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeoooo.

After a few seconds (yes, seconds) of this, I think he gave up on this exit strategy and did a 180, instead giving full power to get it over with sooner rather than later.

BWWAAAAAaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeoooo-rrrrAAAAP.

I said nothing, but I was dying inside.

[control-z]

Nice description, I LOL’d

[lieu]

robardin, I had an old flame’s mother do that to us once. She was smoking a cigarette, drinking some coffee and watching a funny movie with us. I guess all that caffeine and nicotine pushed a gas bubble to the forefront and then laughing jarred three toots loose. It was pretty obvious she was clamping down because the pitch of the three, each cut off by a chuckle, went up… Blappp * rheep * tweee… Yeah, that last one, it sounded like an anteater blowing through a dog whistle.

[Capcha]

Oh man i can’t breath i’m laughing so much! There’s only one time that i remember getting really embarrassed by my own fart:

I was a kid (9yo i think) and my family was visiting my aunt’s family. I was in one room with the older kids (because you know, at that age it was ze coolest thing to be one of the older kids) and i was crouching, playing with something on the floor.

I sneezed and a really loud one exploded outta my shorts ( i almost lost my balance too!). I didn’t even dare to look back at the now silenced kids, just quickly gotten up, red faced, and quietly walked out of that room.

[bump]

Oh man…

So there I was, about 16 or so, at a buddy’s Xmas party, with girls! Since I went to an all-boys high school, this was a relatively uncommon thing, and I didn’t want to screw things up.

Anyway, we’re sitting there playing Pictionary or one of those party games like it, and I feel a rumble in the guts. I decide to ignore it until after the game’s over, and then hit the bathroom.

It kept getting worse, until it just HURT. I finally decided to excuse myself and go to the bathroom to blow ass like crazy.

So I get up partially out of the chair, and pivot toward the bathroom at the same time, pointing my ass toward everyone playing the game. Then, as I stood up, it was much like a toothpaste tube, and I blasted a loud BRRAP!

I said “Excuse me.” in some kind of mortified overly deep voice, like I was trying to channel Lurch from the Addams Family, and hustle off to the bathroom. My friends were half horrified, and the other half was in stitches.
Another time in college, I was laying prone on the floor playing a game in the hallway with my buddies, and since we were on one of the all-male floors, and girls generally didn’t come up there, I figured I could cut loose with impunity.

So one thunderous rancid smelling fart later, and all the guys by me are absolutely dying with laughter- much more than this would have warranted (usually it would have warranted a few punches), so I looked back behind me to see 2-3 girls we all knew standing there looking horrified. My only reply was “Uh… excuse me.” as I turned bright red.

I’ve since learned not to think I’m safe farting audibly in public places.

[Hockey_Monkey]

@Acid Lamp

We have a dog who shares in the joy of farts. Hers come in two varieties. The first is the Ungodly Dog Fart Of Doom. These will drive both her humans and herself from whatever cozy spot we are occupying. Whenever we see the dog stop suddenly and glare at her ass in an accusatory manner, we know to dive for cover. The second type are harmless but LOUD. These are always followed by a happy dog grin and tail wagging. Her look plainly reads “Farts are Funny!”

Fart humor is even understood cross species.

Somebody *PLEASE * make Ungodly Dog Fart Of Doom your username.

[Santo_Rugger]

Oh, my, I don’t even know where to begin with the stories! I’ll start with one of my buddies’.

We’re both around 15 or so, his family is in town (grandma, aunt, cousins), and we’re all waking up in the morning waiting for the coffee to brew. He’s standing next to the fire in his tighty whities, warming his buns. He begins to feel a fart build, and instead of trying to keep it quiet, he decides to show off, as 15 year old boys are wont to do. “Hey, guys, check this out!” I’d like to describe the sound that came out as more of a rumble, but it was actually more of a gurgle. I’m sure you can see where this one is leading; about 5 seconds later we all see the tell tale sign of a recent shart running down his right leg. Hilarious!

Whereas in his story, one person was mortified and everybody else thought it was a riot, my story is quite the opposite. I was in Brazil, on a very busy bus. We were packed asshole to elbow in that thing, and there were even people standing on the stairs because they couldn’t make it all the way in. With a combination of Brazilian food that my gut wasn’t quite used to, several cups* of pilsner, and the inability to get to the bathroom, I let out a fart whose stench cannot be described in words.

The gal running the turnstile hopped out to open the windows on the roof, and the bus driver opened the doors while we were moving. Mind you, these two people were probably 30 feet apart, and both felt the need to relieve their olfactories. Just about everybody on the bus was fanning their faces, and all six of my friends on the bus knew exactly who it was. I refused to look at any of them. Instead, I picked a guy across from me, and tried to act just like he did. I just did whatever body motions and facial expressions he did, in an effort to remain as inconspicuous as possible.

My friends still bring it up to this day, and each and every one of them had an internal debate about whether to point me out or not. In the end, they valued my life more than having to put up with the smell of rotting intestines for several minutes, so they let me live. Thanks, guys!
*In Brazil, they don’t drink their cerveja (which is almost always pilsner) in pints, because of the heat and humidity. Instead, they order a “bomber” (22 or 24 oz. bottle) and share it amongst the group so it doesn’t get warm, which is why I said cups instead of pints. It comes off the tongue oddly enough that I thought it warranted an explaination.

@Hockey Monkey

Somebody *PLEASE * make Ungodly Dog Fart Of Doom your username.

Maybe we can look up ol’ Flying Cow… he might be up for it.

[Colophon]

My farts are never loud unless I want them to be. I can always sneak them out silently. Can’t the rest of you do that?

[Jennshark]

In the early 1990s my friends got invited to a “Hollywood Power Lesbian” beach party; we’re talkin’ famous people (except for the friends).

We’ll call the fart perpretrator “Alice.”

So Alice and friend partied hearty from late afternoon until it was bonfire time. Alice, excited and a bit intimidated to be mixing with famous lesbos, drank too much and by 9pm was toasted.

The beer, bbq, and the arrangement of Power Lesbians in a circle around the bonfire made for a perfect storm. Alice turned around to get something behind her, bent from the waist, and delivered a shockingly loud and long “machine gun fire” fart, ass pointed into the circle of PLs. She grabbed friend and made her flee the party, abandoning their cooler, beach toys, towels, etc.

To this day when we watch, for example, a Jodi Foster movie, Alice mourns that she coulda been a Power Lesbian contendah if she wasn’t known as “The Beach Party Farter.”

[Ellen_Cherry]

I had no idea there were Power Lesbians. Poor Alice. However, maybe the PLs were impressed! I could see Ellen DeGeneres ripping some impressive ones while doing all that dancing on her show!

[Zsofia]

I bet Jodie Foster just cuts one and looks at you like, what? What are you gonna say about it?

[Dung_Beetle]

I’m going to say, “Thank you, Ms. Foster, may I have another?”

[Dazzling_White_Diamonds]

@Colophon

My farts are never loud unless I want them to be. I can always sneak them out silently. Can’t the rest of you do that?

Most of the time I can, but what fun would that be? Seriously, though, if I’m at home, I let them fly. The relief is so much more pronounced than if I were to suppress things and let them merely sneak out.

[beanpod]

Colophon, I honestly can’t. I can usually tell whether it’ll be loud or soft and react accordingly…although sometimes I think it’ll be quiet and then Brrrrappp! Those are the worst.

@Zsofia

I pay him back. “Are you pooping in there?”
“Yes, go away!”
“Aaron’s pooping! Are you pooping a lot? Or is it more of a casual, that-time-of-day poop?”
“Go away!”
"I think I’ll practice my guitar. I’m going to write a new song! It’s called “The Aaron’s Pooping Song.”

My husband hates that! Sometimes when I really want to annoy him I’ll come in and sit on the side of the bathtub and ask him about his day. “Ah! This is disgusting! This is my private time! Go away!”

I agree about Jodie Foster, too. I’ll never have her balls.

[BlackNGold]

It’s kind of funny, all the IT related ones - I kind of started a tradition at work. I was friends with the IT guy, and every time I had to fart I’d go back to his office, ask some innocent question to get him talking, and let rip. Once I told the rest of the guys in the office, they all went back to the IT room to fart too. Double bonus points if you could leave before one of the girls came into the room. It got to be highly amusing to see his face when he realized that you had just come back there to clap ass.

[robardin]

@bump

So I get up partially out of the chair, and pivot toward the bathroom at the same time, pointing my ass toward everyone playing the game. Then, as I stood up, it was much like a toothpaste tube, and I blasted a loud BRRAP!

I said “Excuse me.” in some kind of mortified overly deep voice, like I was trying to channel Lurch from the Addams Family, and hustle off to the bathroom.

Mistake! After an accidental discharge, NEVER immediately “hustle off to the bathroom”. It will only be time spent by everyone to speculate on whether or not you squidged yourself with a crossover dribble.

[robardin]

@Jennshark

The beer, bbq, and the arrangement of Power Lesbians in a circle around the bonfire made for a perfect storm. Alice turned around to get something behind her, bent from the waist, and delivered a shockingly loud and long “machine gun fire” fart, ass pointed into the circle of PLs.

A Beer-n-BBQ fueled mega-fart? Aimed at a group of Power Lesbians? Clustered around a BONFIRE?

Must… Not… Ask…

Aggh…

OK. Did anyone shout “fire in the hole”? 'Cause I would’ve.

[Muffin]

K.M.Jr. and D.B.Jr. winter tenting. The former, who was notorious for his noxious farts, had teh farts so bad that the latter vomited on him.

[Muffin]

Malitol.

Never, ever, consume food made with malitol within a day’s travel of humanity.