Twenty years, baby…and not a single audible. EVER. I am not a fan of the fart. Unfortunately, my husband is. Once, during a 5am shopping excursion, he farted so loud in the canned veggies aisle, that an old woman freaked and ran away. She looked like her purse had been snatched or something.
My experience of libraries is that if you go to the highest floor where the most obscure,old and not for loan,reference books are located,then go to the far end where the books haven’t been looked at in the past couple of centuries and no human has set foot since the beginning of time,let slip a partial fart very quietly …and then all of a sudden there are dozens of people standing around and they are all incredibly pretty women and the smell is a killer.
I’m going to tell my husband about that. Your husband will be his new hero. 
Noooooooo! :eek: No passing the baton, and for crissakes, no encouragment…This needs to die with Mr. K. 
Papa Tiger can fart very, very noisily. As in so loud and sudden it sounds like a gun going off. I’ll be peacefully sleeping, and BANG! I’m wide awake and he’s still peacefully sleeping.
And I’ve learned to lift the covers aimed AT him after that so I don’t accidentally asphyxiate.
My 87-year-old mother has developed this charming habit of little poot…poot…poot every time she moves. She literally can’t get up from her chair without a tasteful little poot any more. I honestly don’t think she even knows she’s doing it, either; she can’t hear herself at all!
Is it so wrong that I’ve been loyally following this thread since its inception? And that almost every time I check in and read the new posts, I’m laughing so hard that I’m crying?
TonyF seems to think so. I have him read the ones that I laugh at the most, and he just goes “oh love…” like I’m immature for reading this. I can’t help it that I was raised by mostly guys so I tend to laugh at the raunchy and gross stuff in life. The SO just says “now dear, it’s not my type of humor…” and shakes his head at me.
I see that now that this thread is 3 pages long that I’m not the only one who has a gigglefest at one of the natural and quite funny bodily functions that’s produced by everyone.
I think the SO just needs to lighten up and get in touch with his inner 10 yr old boy!
Carry on, everyone! This thread is awesome!
You’re not the only one. I don’t even have the excuse of being raised by barbarians - my dad would be ashamed of me.
giggle
gigglesnort
gigglesnort giggle giggle hahaheeeeeeeee giggle snort snort
Yeah, my inner 10 year old has been reading this thread everyday and laughing until my sides hurt and tears are flowing, and the coworkers are looking at me like I’m a loon.
You just have to embrace the idea that farts are hilarious, and your life will be so much simpler. C’mon, admit it - farting is funny.
Admit it: you laughed so hard that you farted.
Same with my MIL. I have a feeling it has to do with all the sugar-free food she eats to control her diabetes.
Small wonder M.I.B. has all postal workers pegged as being space aliens…
My husband has taken to shooting his legs out in front of him every time he farts on the sofa. I’m not sure if he’s shooting the fart across the room or it’s the force of the fart that moves his legs.
I have not deliberately farted in front of my husband in our 13+ years as a couple. One time, as I was falling asleep, my ass went off like a cannon. He told me even he felt better after that one. Now he denies any memory of this. Another time I was in labor, preparing to deliver his son into the world. Unable to control myself, I farted. He was trying to get some sleep in the chair like a big jerk, but took a moment out of his busy napping schedule to giggle and say “You wanted the epidural!” Denies that one too.
My coworker at the grocery store was stocking up the dairy case when a little old lady of the Miss Daisy variety went past him. Just as she did, she let a pretty good one. He kept his eyes front and concentrated on his task until she was past and then snuck a glance at her. She was looking back at him and said, “Well that one was a stinker!”
Reminds me of an old joke:
An old woman goes to see her doctor.
“I’ve got this problem…I’m passing wind, all the time. At least they’re silent, and they don’t smell.”
The doctor nods, and writes her a prescription. “Come back and see me in two weeks.”
Two weeks later, the old woman comes back.
“I don’t know what you’re giving me, but it’s not working! I’m passing wind just as much as I was before, but at least before, it didn’t smell. Now, it smells terribly!”
The doctor nods. “Alright, we’ve got your sense of smell working again. Now, we’ll work on the hearing.”
As for my embarrassing fart stories…well, I have to say, as a guy, about the only time I’m embarrassed about farting is at work (and I’m usually able to hold it in here). OTOH, at home, my wife is fond of saying, “Jeezy petes, how can you do that and live???”
When I was a boy (maybe 11 or 12), my younger sister had a friend over for a sleepover. The two of them were in our family room, in sleeping bags. It being Wisconsin, in the wintertime, we had a space-heater in that room (one of those old ones, with a glowing element like a toaster, and a fan to move the air). Feeling gassy, I ran into the family room, squatted down in front of the space-heater, and let fly. The heat from the space-heater amplified the stank, and the fan moved it around nicely. That friend never wanted to sleep over again…and, 30 years later, my sister still tells that story.
I just now went and farted in my coworkers cube while he was off pontificating to our boss. I made sure to do it above his seat right at his seated head height.
You think that’s bad? In our household, all farts get blamed on the stuffed moose in the master bedroom.
Can you make it hover until he returns? Seems a waste to park one in his cube if it won’t be fully appreciated when he gets back.
Nah. It was a quantum fart and the act of checking disturbed its location.
Schroedinger’s Gas.