Punny Pirate Game

Mundane Pointless Stuff I Must Share (MPSIMS)
#1

On our way back from Colorado (to Michigan), my companion and I began to get a little bored, to say the least.

It was at the peak of our malaise that my passenger relayed a game which he and another friend of mine had developed in a similar situation:

The Punny Pirate Game.

All you have to do is create a joke with some sort of pirate pun in it. In my opinion, the lamest, longest jokes are the best. Some examples:

There once was a pirate captain whose was very proud of his lovely wife and handsome son. So proud, in fact, that he always had them sail with him everywhere he went.
The pirate had named his son Ben, but it wasn’t long before the crew had christened him “Bean” because of the child’s insatiable appetite for the legumes. The name stuck. Even his own father called him Bean.
So one day, the three are walking down the beach when Bean begins to tire and lag behind.
The pirate captain turns to his wife and says simply, “Carry Bean.”
On an expedition into South America, a pirate crew captured a beautiful Incan woman. However, in the struggle, the Incan girl was injured, leaving her with only one eye. This earned her the name “Uni” from the crew.
Fortunate for the now imperfect girl, the superstitious crew wouldn’t touch her. Still, she was forced to remain on the ship to perform the more domestic duties that the average pirate avoided.
There was one pirate who was always very kind and welcoming to her and, over the years, she fell in love with him. As luck would have it, he had no use for silly superstitions and their nocturnal lovemaking could be heard across the ship.
After months at sea, the ship docked to pick up some more supplies and a few new crew members. As the fresh pirates stepped on board, they heard the unmistakable sound of lovemaking coming from below.
“What the bloody hell is that noise?” asked one.
“Oh that?” replied one of the veteran pirates. “That’s just Uni on Jack.”

So what do you think? Can we make a game of it?

#2

I’m gratuitously stealing this from another thread, and another poster because I’ve gotten big laughs with it:

A pirate walks into a bar with a large steering wheel protruding from his fly. The bartender says, “Gee, that must be uncomfortable!” and the pirate says, “Aye, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”

#3

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his trousers. The barkeep mentioned it and the pirate said, “It’s drivin’ me nuts!”

A pirate walks into a bar with a large and colourful parrot on his shoulder. The barkeep says, “Where did you get that?” The parrot says, “Tortugas!”

Not a pirate story nor a pun, but it takes place on a tall ship… A young lad signs onto a sailing vessel for a long voyage to the South Seas that will take three years to complete. Upon passing the headlands, the lad goes to the captain and says, “Captain! I’ve just noticed there are no women aboard the ship!” The captain says, “So?” The lad explanes, “There are no women aboard the ship! And we’ll be at sea for three years!” “I see your problem,” replies the captain, “You’re wondering about relief of your natural desires. D’ye see that barrel on the deck?” “Aye,” says the lad. “And d’ye see the bunghole in the side of the barrel?” “Aye, captain.” “When we feel a bit randy, we use that. Since you’re not on duty right now, go ahead and give it a try.” The lad drops his trousers and uses the bunghole in the barrel. Relieved, he returns to the captain. “Sir, that was wonderful! I’m going to do that every day!” “Ye can do it every day exceptin’ Thursday.” “Why can’t I use it on Thursdays, Captain?” “Because Thursday is your day in the barrel!”

#4

:d

#5

What rating did they give the new pirate movie?

Arrrrrr!

#6

A fleet of cargo ships sailing from the Indies was attacked by a ship captained by the nefarious Pegleg Pete. At first, the cargo ship crew members thought that they’d be able to escape, sacrificing just one of their ships to keep the rest of the fleet intact. This was not to be, however, as one after another, Pegleg’s cannons hit each ship in the fleet, destroying their masts and rendering them unable to escape. Sadly, the admiral of the fleet gave the order for the white flag of surrender to be raised on each ship. Dismayed, one of his subordinates beseeched the admiral to not give up so easily. The commander replied, “We have no choice but to surrender. He’s using weapons of mast destruction.”

#7

Pegleg Pete actually won his wooden leg in a raffle in Manitoba. What, you’ve never heard of “Winnipeg”?

#8

Once, a pirate went out to sea, and didn’t return for many years. After some long period of time, he finally came up to shore, washed up on a piece of wood, unconscious. When he came to, his family asked him where he’d been.

“Arrrruba.”

#9

There once was an old pirate who decided to finally retire. When he did, he took his favorite prisoner, an ex-prostitute, as his personal slave. It wasn’t for her profession seeing as the pirate was now old and decreped. You see, the pirate was very fond of fresh produce and wanted his own garden. However, his advanced age prevented him from doing most of the work himself so he retained this slave to do it for him.
The ex-prostitute hated the work and every time the pirate was inside, she would drop her tools, kick back, and drink grog like a fish. Invariable, the pirate would notice the lack of sound coming from the garden. Rushing out to the back yard he yelled, “Yo, ho, hoe! And abate a little rum!”

#10

How much did the pirate ship’s cook pay for corn?

A buck an ear!