Talk like a pirate day is coming up and I need some piratey jokes to go along with my occasional “ARRRH” and “matey”.
[pirate voice]So come on, out with the jokes you scurvy dogs! Don’t make me force you to walk to plank! ARRRH![/pirate voice]
Why are Pirates so mean and cruel?
They just ARRRRRRR…
(Ducks and Runs)
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel strapped to his crotch. The bartender asks him “What the hell is that for!!?”. The pirate turns to him and answers: “Yarrr…its driving me nuts!”
In case you hadn’t already found it:
http://www.talklikeapirate.com/
IIRC the #1 pickup line for a man to use is: “Prepare to be boarded!”
Obligatory link to the ergonomic keyboard for pirates:
Piratey tune, basically NSFW, with World of Warcraft animation.
Did you hear about the Polish pirate?
He had a patch over both eyes.
What do a pirate and pimp have in common?
They both say “Yo ho”
Pirate-related news from FSM:
You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s.
Scroll down for graph.
Pirate jokes:
Great Fedex pirate commercial:
Q: What is a pirate’s least favorite monkee?
A: Davy Jones
Newspaperman interviewing a pirate captain: “So, Captain, I see you have a hook instead of a hand. When did that happen?”
Captain: “Two years ago, whilst boardin’ a frigate outta Jamaica. The smoke got in me eyes, I didn’t see the enemy’s saber an’, well, you see the result!”
Newspaperman: “I see. And when did you get the patch over your eye?”
Captain: “The day after I got the hook! I was wipin’ the smoke outta’ me eyes ‘cuz I dinna’ want to lose another hand!”
Dammit, I came in here just to post that punchline!
Why couldn’t the little pirate see the movie?
Because it was rated ARRRRRRR!!!
Blackbeard was called to the deck because his deckhand saw a ship on the horizon. As he peered through the telescope, he realized it was going to be quite the battle, there were actually two hostile ships.
“Arrrr, mate, bring me my red shirt!” he ordered. When his red shirt arrived, his deckhand asked why he asked for his read shirt. “Arrrr, if I get wounded in battle, I don’t want me men to see me blood.”
As the Captain looked into the scope again, he now saw three hostile ships full steam towards his crew. “Arrrr, mate! Bring me my brown pants!”
"Why’d I become a pirate, you ask ? Well, I used to be a proctologist, but losin’ the hand and gettin’ the hook really hurt me practice, arrr . . . "
I had a little boy stop by the house last Halloween. I opened the door and was greeted with “arrrrr trick’er treat you scurvy dawg”
I was taken aback as this little feller couldn’t have been over six years old and was dressed all in black. He had a double ender hat with the scull and crossbones, a drawn on mustache, hook on one hand, earring and a real looking sword.
So, I asked him “What are you supposed to be?”
“I’m a Birate” he replies.
“A Birate?” I ask.
He rolled his eyes and answered “Yes, I’m a Birate, trick’er treat ya scurvy dawg?”
Trying hard to keep a straight face I asked " If you’re a Birate, just where are your Buccaneers?"
And he said…
wait for it
He said '‘They’re under me Buckin’ hat!""
Q: Why do all pirates have eyepatches?
A: Chuck Norris.
S^G
Similar to collecting scalps, early bounty hunters were sent out to kill pirates and bring back proof.
They were paid a buck an ear.
Bravo.
They have some good ones there. Here are a couple of my favorites from there(also highly rated on their site).
How do pirates know that they are pirates?
They think, therefore they ARRRR!!!
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they can spend years at C!
What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no booty!
A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.
The bartender asks, “Why are you wearing a paper towel?”
“Arrr…” says the pirate. “I’ve got a bounty on me head!”
What does a Dyslexic Pirate Say?
RRAAAAAAAAAAA!
What does a bleached blonde and a pirate have in common?
A little black patch.
What does a pirate say when he has a heart attack?
Arrr! Me heartie!
Enjoy,
Steven