I was once asked whether I wanted white rice or brown rice for lunch, and I said “Well, I’ll have a bit of both. I’m no riceist”.
Remember Leon Spinks? The boxer who was dentally challenged?
I made this up when he was in the news:
“What kind of drink should you never offer Leon Spinks?”
“Aperitif”
While working at Wendy’s I tried to train someone how to make a broccoli and cheese baked potato: 1/4 cup of broccoli florets and 1 2-oz scoop of cheese.
But the employee skimped on the broccoli.
“Look at that,” I said. “You can’t see the florets for the cheese!”
Not me, but the master punster of them all, my late friend Rice the model, had the following exchange with one of our professors.
It seems that, a good number of years ago, one of our grad students did a project that involved putting large expanses of sod in various urban settings around our campus. As Rice and the professor were leaving the library one afternoon they stepped out onto this temporary grass and Rice asked the professor, “Oh, Mr. Mike, doesn’t this remind you of Garbo?” “How so?” asked Mr. Mike, to which Rice replied, “I vant to be a lawn!”
He also told people his last name was “Aroni”.
Okay, thanks. As someone who speaks French I have to say though, it’s a bit of a stretch.
[/hijack]
When I started junior college, I decided I’d ease back into Latin with a summer 101 course. Everyone else in the course was new to the language except one other classmate. He was the type of guy that if he had the right answer he just had to blurt it out, never mind that the other students didn’t have the same preparation of Latin in HS that we had both had. The professor loathed him but was too much of a gentleman to do much more than prank him, once moving us to a different classroom and shutting all the lights off when the guy was the one tardy student.
Anyways, we were doing an exercise for the final, in which Prof divided us into groups of 2-3, each group being named after a region/city of the Mediterranean. I was pretty happy to be in “Florence” with two other non-trads, and we did our work. There was a disturbance a few tables away; evidently it was the “Apulia” group breaking apart. Sure enough there’s our Hero, proudly proclaiming he was now working alone as “Sardinia”.
I said, “I think you’re more of a Cretan.”
Everyone that got it laughed, which is more than I can say for the best joke I ever made that only I got. 
Not at all, not the way it’s said here. It sounds almost exactly alike. I have no idea how it’s said in French. I’ll worry about that when I ever have to go to a French speaking area (quite possibly Quebec) and say it (not very likely.)
Thanks, lobotomyboy63.
OK, I’ve nearly snorted my libation out my nose at several of these, I am ashamed to admit. Aperitif…Strawberry fields…
Y’all are killing me!
So, many years ago, I worked for my state’s arts agency – the agency that funneled grant money from the NEA to local arts groups. There was a board that made the decisions on the grants. It met four times a year, and it was always a fairly serious occasion. We staff people were supposed to sit in the corner and keep our mouths shut unless we were asked by one of the board members to provide clarification on a grant application.
One meeting, they were considering a grant that included a performance by a Cajun fiddler. Rather idly, one of the board members asked, “How is Cajun fiddling any different than any other kind of fiddling?”
From the corner, I piped up, “I know the difference.” All eyes turned to me.
“You play a Cajun fiddle with a gumbo.”
Fill-eh min-yaw is the closest I can come up with now. And sorry for being a nitpicker.
Alright, back to teh puns. I found the Hole Milk one quite funny. It’s from the thread that inspired me to my dopername, btw.
Posts 9 and 15:
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=329802&highlight=milk
(Thank you Cervaise, tdn and lieu.:))
One day I’d like to bring a dead rabbit on an airplane. What!? It’s my carrion.
A friend’s mother was given a citation for going across state lines to purchase alcohol for a party and bringing it back into Ohio for consumption.
I said, “So, did she plead the fifth?”
Amidst the groans, I followed up with,
“I don’t think they have a case.”
That is when the rotten tomatoes were lobbed.
Years ago when I was working with a friend who was Chinese-Canadian, and had the last name Wong.
One day, he was commenting to the whole staff about how much he hated his first name, which was William.
I replied, "It could be worse you know… your folks could have named you… Sum Ting".
This broke up the whole room, including him. 
[sub] (Put it together and say it out loud.)[/sub]
.
û [sup]Take Care[/sup]
Them: So what are you doing with your life?
Me: I’m almost done with grad school, I’m getting my master [of science] in explosives.
Them: Oh, wow, that must be cool.
Me: Yeah, it’s a blast!
Lame, I know, but I had to have said it 100 times and I still can’t resist.
Oh, I had a pretty terrible one recently. I was playing board games with some friends, including my boyfriend, Jason. We were talking about adjacent territories and I said “You’re A-Jason to me!” I thought it was hilarious but nobody else did. Heh
WHAT? GETTYSBURG???
Then where in the hell were you Saturday afternoon when the rest of us were at Gettysdope having a dandy ol’ time!! :mad:
Now I gotta try to remember some of my own worst groaners. My mind has mercifully blanked most of them.
Some friends and I were talking about sushi and seafood in general. I leaned over to the person next to me and said, "Listen, chum…"
While doing the requisite new house shopping, I was shopping for a new mop and broom. I stood there, looking at the paltry collection and said “I’m not really swept away by the brooms.” In my defense, it wasn’t on purpose.
Not a pun but a funny I had recently. A friend was telling me how the guy she was dating never really gave her compliments. She said “I have to confess, I’m a little vain, but it isn’t like it is a sin or anything.” My response?
No, not if you don’t count the seven deadly ones.
Once my niece was pestering her mom (my sister) for a drink. She wasn’t calmly asking for it, she was whining and moaning, while her mom was trying to finish something. Of course, all the carrying on got on DS’s nerves, and finally she snapped, “All RIGHT! Give me a minute!” She got the water for her girl, muttering, “WHY can’t my kids ever just ASK for something–why do they always start out whining?”
I couldn’t help myself–I replied, “She’s just trying to turn whine into water!”
So we’re talking about socialism and labor and efficiency, and stuff, and my friend says “Well, you know, the Russians never did make a good car!”
And I say “Well, what about the four-door Dostoyevsky?”
Strong men weep, women swoon…
I can remember them for you wholesale.
Back when Mama Zappa and I were dating, we got into one of those silly conversations about what to name our extremely hypothetical children. After a few rounds of this, she said “What about Moshe?” “No son of mine will be named Moshe!” I exclaim. Without missing a beat, she said “Not a son - a daughter. You know, Moshe Diane!”
She got me with a good one just the other day. I was talking about Fermi, and what a smart guy he was. My beloved said “Of course he was smart, he had TWO PhDs” I said “Wha? 
” and before I could ask Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, she followed with “Come on - you’ve heard of Fermi’s Pair of Docs” :smack: :rolleyes: 
Mama Zappa and I were ordering take-out from our favorite chinese restaurant the night we dropped off both kids at summer camp. We hadn’t been there in a while since Dweezil has peanut allergies, so I had lost my intimate familiarity with their menu. I couldn’t find the dish my bride was looking for, even after I read the darn menu three times. I brought the menu out to her so she could order something else, and she pointed out the dish she initially asked for - right on the top of the menu. :smack: I said “Obviously, I am not a search engine.” She said “So those weren’t Google-y eyes you were making at me?”
Another time she said “I’m so tired I’m crossed-eyed. If I was naked you could call me ‘Gladly’.” Me: “Huh??” Her: “Gladly, the cross-eyed bare.” Oy vey! I didn’t see that one coming. :reform jewish guy smiley: