I socialize with groups I don’t identify. The dissonance sure could be too much sometimes. The fun group I attend is a general 12 Step meeting next door to my place. No one suspects I’m a dry and I think I’m a little bad going there but it’s a fun place to hang out twice a week. I am unfortunately a chameleon in that way.
Which social groups do you sometimes attend like that, where you’re not part of the in-crowd? Do you ever feel unethical about it?
In any political group, I always feel like an imposer or infiltrator. I’m generally too right-wing for the lefties and too left-wing for the righties. As an Asian, I’ve also often gone into various other Asian groups of different ethnicities than mine (such as Korean, Japanese, etc.) and lasted a long time before anyone realized I wasn’t one of them (since almost all discussion was in English.)
I’m not sure why you put this in the BBQ Pit though?
I think I already saw this movie.
I’ve liked the BBQ Pit basically throughout my short time on this site. I know people on this site can be sometimes ferocious in this department but the moderation in other departments is many times more strict.
Seriously? How do you think they’d feel if they knew?
Yes it’s bad form so I should quit going. I’ve got three close friends in my neighborhood too. When I’m with them, I’m not motivated to play a role. It’s much better for everyone there.
Makes me think of this scene from Better Call Saul.
Have you “fake shared”, or otherwise lied to people directly? Do you stand up each time and say “Hi, I’m Eric1, and I’m an alcoholic”? I guess it depends on how big a web you’ve spun.
Actually I’ve been only to the large general introductory AA meetings where there are a hundred people listening to the two speakers. I’ve shaken hands with some of the members and eaten their cake. I’ve never told them anything about myself in the ten times I’ve been there.
It’s not just “bad form,” it violates a fundamental principle of 12-Step/AA work, which is scrupulous honesty.
OTOH, if this is an “open” meeting, then anyone can attend, but you still need to be honest and not claim to be an alcoholic.
It was part of a plot arc in Shameless, too. Frank Gallagher gets invited to live with him; they meet in AA.
My MIL once took me to an open meeting of her AA group. I think i introduced myself as her DIL. It was very interesting. She was pissed that i thought it was religious, though.
I’m something of a religious tourist, and have been to a wide variety of religious services in religions I’m not a member of. I’ve never lied about it. To the extent that i introduce myself to anyone (varies a lot by group) i tell them that I’m visiting because I’m interested in religious services.
The mosque i visited had a whole section for tourists, and i wasn’t the only one there. And also, that was a very moving service. One of the most moving services I’ve attended.
I’ve gone to other events that i didn’t really belong to, too. But I’ve never presented myself as anything other than what i am, and I’ve never felt unethical about it.
I appreciate the posts from everyone and think my use of an example was off base. I’m going to try to think of another real life example sometime soon. Or maybe I’ll decide my perception was bad. I’ll still work on it because I’m potentially interested in such examples.
But you feel you can’t stop. It’s an addiction that you need support to kick … if you could only find the right group to help you with that.
I have felt not part of the in crowd almost everywhere my whole life. I’d WAG that describes quite a few of us here. But Woody Allan, scum as he may be, can be bastardized here: do you want to be part of a club that would have you as a member?
My local newspaper used to have a columnist named Bill Wundram (RIP). Pre-Internet, he did a column after he went on a cruise with his wife, and there were posters all over the ship advertising assorted activities. There was one, several times a day, in different parts of the boat, called “Friends of Bill W.” He told his wife, “I have got to find out what this is all about.”
He walked into a meeting room, where there were some people he recognized and others he didn’t, and introduced himself: “My name’s Bill Wundram, and I’m curious: Who is this Bill W. and why does he have so many friends?” They all kind of looked at each other and said, “Ahem, you probably don’t belong here” and then explained that Bill W. was the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Oops!
Yes, for certain values of socializing.
I ghost several online forums on firearms, because I own several and target shoot. Yes, I have taken appropriate safety classes including live fire, and have a CCW though I’ll probably let it lapse next year. And yes, I have a very secure vault style safe for the long arms and biometric for the pistols, with no children in the house.
So sometimes, when I want information on how to better zero a weapon, break it down for cleaning, or accuracy tips, I want the feedback from the community.
But by the noodles of the FSM, damn they are toxic as heck when it comes to anything touching on “libruls” or gun legislation, much of which I voted for, including the new Colorado state tax on firearms and ammunition. And even if I’m only witnessing it, it gives me the shivers sometimes.
More commonly attributed to Groucho Marx.
I spoke with my longtime friend Jimmy about this yesterday at a wake at our teacher’s funeral. I showed him this thread and he said
“Is this you?” with a knowing smile.
Jimmy said my strength is gently and yet persistently building relationships. He said I’m different but should take that as a compliment. Since he’s been a clinical psychologist for twenty years, his remarks work for me.
Ach. Correct.
Another fictional version of - plot line of Eleanor The Great in which June Squibb plays someone who ends up in a social group that she doesn’t quite belong.
I have a friend who wants me to crash an AA meeting. He claims I’ll see the love and acceptance that other groups (like a church) wish they had.
He’s offered to coach me on how to act like I’m in recovery …
Well, if there’s cake, then I’ll do as much acting as I need to!