Things are seemingly pretty good here! I don’t remember what I posted last time. But my contract has become permanant with the school board. Hence I am now about to buy the Condo I have been renting. I went on a two week trip this summer to Chicago, Toronto, and Denver for touring and dance events. Came home, and went a 3 day canoe trip. In the meantime I’ve been training for a half-marathon. It’ll be something like my 8th one, but this time I may break 2 hours, which is a personal best for me. I feel more fit than any other time in my life. And at almost age 34 I feel that’s something to be proud of. Summer has been filled with reading, trips, socializing. adventures…it’s been so amazing.
So yeah! Everything seems pretty great. As usual the only thing “missing” is a girlfreind or partner. I’m still extremely unmotivated to even bother. I almost wonder if I now have a “problem” for not being really interested. I’d rather keep doing all my fun things with no drama. Maybe I’ll keep this going until age 35 and then re-assess. I got ID’d the other day in the bar…so I must look pretty young!
So thoughts on the lack of interest in a partner? Should I be exploring solving this or just leave it be?
My future goals are mostly fitness oriented although I do also plan to keep downsizing all my things so I’m less anchored. And I hope to begin donating some more time to charity. At least now I’m a regular blood donor, and that is something I do that is not “me” focused.
I’m glad you’re doing well, but since you asked re the partner thing: I remember in one of your threads, you claimed to be all too happy being single. Then some time later, you started another thread a little bummed out there didn’t seem to be anyone out there for you. And now we’re back to happy being single again.
I’m not sure what to make of all of that. I feel like it’s worth noting to yourself. And perhaps be prepared for another downswing. Or better yet, try to avoid the traps that led you to that downswing to begin with. (If at all possible.)
Anyway, glad you’re feeling better. And good luck.
Seeking true love is a fool’s journey. The wise man seeks to be worthy of true love!
How, you ask? By making a life so active and interesting, filled with new things and challenges, that you but hardly have time to notice you are unaccompanied.
You’re absolutely on the right path. If you start pining for a partner you’ll know you’re not keeping yourself busy/challenged enough.
When you are fully, 100% happy in the life you’ve built. Beaming with new experiences and things to look forward to, I believe you’ll discover it attracts people like a magnet. The right kind of people. Persons actually attracted to you and your positive energy.
I have every confidence you’ll soon find yourself where you want to be, just keep on doing what you’re doing! Don’t give up or give in to insecurities!
Thanks for the update, it’s great to know you’re making your way! Congrats, it sounds like a wonderful summer! So far!
Do you tend to be happier when you are with someone? Or when you’re by yourself and enjoying the freedom to do all the things you just listed in your OP?
No one has it all. Being with a SO is probably great, but it comes with sacrifice Do you want to pare back on your activities, even though they obviously make you happy? If so, then get back on that dating treadmill. But I honestly don’t see why you’d do that unless you’ve been brainwashed into thinking you’re “missing” something if you don’t have someone on your arm. It’s like eating when you aren’t hungry or trying to sleep when you’re not tired.
I’ve enjoyed some of my partnerships! Haha. Unfortunately they did not enjoy me, or for whatever other reason decided it wasn’t good for them. I’m sort of hoping for someone with a similar mindset as me right now. Someone who’s fairly independent so we can spend time together, just not ALL the time. So we can keep our lives going. Yeah, I guess I’m just questioning if I’m just distracted enough to not realize what I’m missing. But I’ve been on the other side of the fence…and I’m way more healthy, happy, and stable right now then I’ve ever been. So maybe this train is still worth exploring!
I don’t mean to be rude, so forgive me if I sound that way.
But what advice are you looking for that we haven’t already given you in the past?
It seems simple to me from where I’m sitting. If you’re in the mood for company, act on it. If you’re not in the mood, don’t waste the time or energy. But if you’re afraid you’re deluding yourself, I don’t know what we could possibly tell you without sounding like a jackass. Presumably you know yourself best.
It kinda seems like you’re posting your personal “highlight reel” under the guise of advice-seeking. That’s kinda tacky to me.
Yeah, well I can see how it could be seen that way. I also look at it as a “check in”. Cause feedback allows me to reflect on where I’m at and what I’m doing. As a person who lives alone too I find this place a good outlet for getting some feedback. It’s a mental health thing for me. I journal as well, and as people know, on occasion go to a counsellor. It all helps. I’ve definately posted alot of “low-light” reels as well. I think that’s balance of some kind. Hopefully it means something when I only post every 4-8 weeks. It’s also summer holidays. And I have time on my hands. I spent alot of time in my twenties not knowing myself well at all. So things are much better now. But again I would hate to be missing out on something…but again all my experiences tell me this is the better place for me right now. So yeah, I guess that’s me affirming my position, with the help of feedback.
You’re doing an awesome job with yourself. Keep up the good work and don’t get bogged down in whether the good feelings are just an illusion or distraction. Life isn’t about crossing off a “to do” list. It’s about doing whatever you want to do. By that standard, you’re doing as well or better than 99% of the human population.
FWIW, the happiest I’ve ever been in my life was when I was extraordinarily fit (for me.) I could do 100 pushups and push a car across a parking lot and went on regular outdoor hikes. My depression was virtually nonexistent during that two-year period, but that level of physical activity is difficult to sustain daily, especially as it went against my inherently sedentary nature.
I don’t think it matters whether you are actively seeking a relationship right now or not unless you want to have kids since it might be harder to have kids if you’re 70. Do you want kids?
I’ve shared this video with you before:
It says “all relationships come with tension, conflict, and difficulties”. And “the things that make rich, full and meaningful give you plenty of painful emotions”.
Some people hope they will find “the one” and they’ll be in the “honeymoon phase” forever and if they’re not they think something is wrong.
If you feel like it is time to get into a relationship and you’re looking for someone fairly compatible I recommend a site like eHarmony which involves personality tests. You might find someone in a nearby city. I know you’ve read a lot of self-help books and I’d recommend John Gottman material.
You sound like you’ve come quite a way from where you were earlier when you were quite depressed.
Yeah, the weird part for me is that I’m second guessing my growth. Ever since I can remember I have always wanted a partner with all my desire. It caused me anxiety, nightmares, duress, you name it. To arrive at this new place where I’d say my desire to find a partner is maybe scored at a 2/3 out of 10, is bizarre. It doesn’t fit the mold of my entire life at all. And so it’s weird. Like I’ve come out of some intense storm, believing only the storm exists, but then seeing a whole new world without the pain the storm caused. I’m sort of just blinking and trying to accept that this state is real and ok to be in.
I just want to keep being healthy and happy, and so that goal can look any way it looks. With or without a partner. So many things have lined up for me it’s almost cathartic. I feel like I’m 20 years old even though I’m 34. I kinda feel selfish in that I’ve spent most of my life pursuing people, I just want to keep building my own killer life and maybe for once in a long time, be the one pursued. Really, I think there’s lots going on here, and it would be nice for someone else to see that. Maybe that’s selfish, but I’ve been on the other side of the fence most of my life. I like being a leader for a change. I’ve had some friends comment on how much fun and exciting my life is. It’s pretty great, cause in my 20s all I heard was how much fun and excitement everyone else was having while I was being responsible. Maybe this is how the pendulum of life works. All this trial by fire for me has allowed me to come to a great place that not everyone gets to. Maybe it’s temporary, but I want to keep riding the wave as long as I can.
Sorry that was a bit rambly and gushy, but it feels good. I’ve always wanted to be proud of my life. And at the moment I am
I think it’s normal when folks go through long, hard periods of depression in their lives to have a fundamental mistrust when good things start happening. I’ve been through it many times. You keep waiting for that other shoe to drop.
We have no idea what life holds in store, for good or ill. That’s why I have a tattoo that says ‘‘impermanent,’’ to remind myself when times are hard, that they will get better, and that when times are good, I should stop and enjoy them, live in them, because nothing in life is guaranteed.
Almost certainly. And if anyone is interested, you’ll see that despite suffering from whatever mental/physical illness he has, he’s a remarkably coherent writer.
Thanks for the link. Quasimodem lives in the same town as I do (he mentioned it on occasion), and I’ve wondered how he’s been since he disappeared from SDMB.
That does confuse people. It’s not really permanent, though. It fades with time. As I age, its appearance will change. And my feelings toward it have changed, too. I’ve had it for 11 years or so now. I think the idea that it’s the same now as it was then is largely an illusion. Like the quote, “You can’t step into the same river twice.” A neat little metaphor for life.
