Well you know, just another one of my sob stories. But hey…writing helps.
I’ve been friends with this lady for over a year. We’ve been dancing, gone to concerts, jogs, running races, even on trips together. Been out for coffee. For a long time I didn’t want to rock the boat or change things.
Tonight we went out to a party outside of the city. We danced, had drinks, sat in front of a bonfire, I met her church friends, and drove her home. We had a great time.
So I finally asked…do you want to be more than friends…actually I said “You just want to be friends right?” cause I had the vibe from her…but I could no longer hold it back anymore.
She just wants to be friends. Which I’m ok with. I just couldn’t not ask anymore after so many good hangouts. A little down…but ok with it. We left on good terms and vibes…so thats good.
But I do wonder if there’s anyone out there for poor ol’ Quasi.
At least I keep trying right? Never give up right?
OP, did it ever occur to you that maybe she’s thinking that YOU just want to be friends? So she says the same to keep from being rejected herself? In my earlier years I tended to be of the dump-em-first-before-they-dump-you school of behavior and it messed me up a lot back then. You might want to be sure that’s not what’s happening here by being a little more open with her. Even if all you say is that you’re a bit disappointed in her reply, that might lead to something.
I have a feeling things could have worked out very differently for Quasi had he not waited an entire year before spilling the beans.
Maybe make your feelings clear on the second or third date. And when you DO make your feelings clear, don’t phrase it the way the OP did.
I can’t help but to think that at some point during the beginning of their friendship, the lady in question probably thought to herself: “Well, I guess Quasi doesn’t like me in that way.”
Now she’s probably thinking:“Quasi is a closed book. Afraid to speak his mind and share his feelings. Not someone I would like to be in a relationship with.”
If you’re too afraid to make yourself vulnerable, it’s not very fun to your perspective partner.
The one thing that is true is “people meet people through people” so if you maintain a friendly relationship with lady then the P.R. she’ll give out on your behalf can only help in the long term.
I’m sure it’ll not be easy but at least you now know.
I’m a big advocate of the wisdom of comedians and Mitchell and Webb always have sage advice for any situation.
Yes this is all true, but a year (and thoughout), other things kept interrupting said intentional pursuit. It’s been a slow burn for me to want to pursure people again. Only really got on the train again this summer. Cause my last relationship was not fun, lots of disrespect. So yes I liked her, but I was also protecting myself for the past year and focusing more on my career.
You’re only ready when your ready.
And yeah I know I could have phrased it differently, but I also just sort of felt thats the way it was going. So I was still protecting myself but at least I ended the uncertainty.
Really, if I had chosen a different sentence, that would have changed her feelings?
She has had lots of opportunity as well to open up if she was ever interested as well. In fact I know in the past she’s likely considered it. Not everything is on me.
Also folks she knows what I meant. I said to her “I had to ask cause you know, you only live once.” and some other stuff about having so much fun around her. She knows what I mean.
I seriously am 99% certain that when I said those words she knows my intention was to pursue a relationship more than friends.
The post conversation reflected this.
I don’t know, I mean her “feelings” are probably very more complicated, as are everyones. But I don’t have any control over that. We had fun. I asked. She said no.
We could analyze this forever. But I was there, with vibes, body language, etc. I will not be living the rest of the days thinking “If only I said it differently”. Being there is much different than reading about it in my post.
The reason I phrased it that way was I felt like my chance of success was low, and so I had a measure of self protection built in. And y’know maybe a part of me also didn’t want it anyways. I just try and go with the flow and let things happen the way I feel it.
All the advice about living once and going for it with a lady / dating when ready is completely true.
In the end you are no worse off and have new experiences and stories. All good things.
3.You are brave to date again after a loss. I mean I’ve never lost anyone in that way. But for me because half the time I’ve been the one dumped…I have less bravery to just dive right back in. Although that’s changed now.
I’m internalizing the above for myself right now as well. With this girl, I need to be thankful that I finally got it out of the way. Now I can date others without having this lingering “what if” feeling. And y’know, I could tell she was impressed with how well I handled her response. I was simply respectful and thanked her for the evening. I’m pretty sure at her age (28), that she’s had other experiences with rejecting men that did not go that well. I’m pretty secure and responsible. More women need experiences with men who aren’t going to berate them for their decisions, even when it affects what they want.
This summer I put myself out there with two people directly (one of whom I got to share some kisses with) And some others I have been flirting with. Y’know, it’s a far cry from where I was a year ago where I thought all women we’re aping to take down men (just cause I’ve had some bad experiences). I need to applaud myself for getting back in the game. I honestly feel that so much of this game is based on luck, location, timing, etc. I do feel I’m one of those guys that could have been in a relationship by now if all the above lined up at the right time with a person who worked well. But not everyone gets the same cards / oppurtunities. A friend of mine reminds me that statistically based on what I have on offer for another person, if I just keep putting myself out there, something should happen soon.
I kinda think it’s cool that you can go on dates with someone who is just a friend. I’ve never had a relationship like that. One thing I’ve learned from relationships is that no one person can be everything to you, and that unrealistic expectation causes the end of a lot of romantic relationships. Having someone you can do fun things with, with no romantic expectations, sounds like a lot of fun to me. In my experience, trying to turn friends into more than that usually is doomed to fail because attraction can’t be negotiated and regardless of all the people who say things like “I’m so happy I married my best friend,” most people want to be in romantic relationships with people they really want to fuck. Some people do grow closer and things turn into more, but not usually. One of the reasons my marriage is terrible is because my wife talked me into it.
Oh hell yes. I remember reading an earlier thread of yours and thinking (maybe I posted it, I can’t remember) that you had fallen for our society’s great big myth: if I deserve it, I will get it! And you were really upset and angry about the fact that that was turning out to be a load of bollix, and looking for someone to blame.
The myth may be true in some contexts, but it’s nowhere near true in relationships. They don’t happen because you deserve them, they happen because you were in a good place for a relationship and things happened to line up right. You can be the kindest smartest funniest most charismatic most gorgeous most emotionally sorted person in the universe, and you’ll still be single unless ‘luck, location, timing…lined up at the right time with a person who worked well.’ (Or unless you’re willing to settle for a bad relationship, and you find someone else who is too.) Basically, sheer dumb luck plays a huge role.
I’m really, really glad that you seem to be more OK with that idea. Here’s to sheer dumb luck going your way.
Yes i’m less feeling like someone should like me for my worth and skills, but that it’s sheer stupid opportunity and luck. The person who finds me will find someone with a lot to offer them. Everyone else has missed out. That’s on them not me. I’ve worked hard on being the best person possible. Others are missing out. I’ll keep rolled the dice and hoping oppurtunity will work out.
It’s not even that anyone’s missed out, it’s that none of them were the right person for you. The work you’ve done and the things you have to offer don’t mean that the wrong person is missing out; they mean that, when you do run into the right person, a) you’re both more likely to realise this is right, and b) your relationship will be stronger and healthier and more fun.
Relationship luck is weird, man. A few of the best people I know were single for years and years; none of us could figure it out, specially given that much less appealing people were getting into relationships no problem. They’re all in relationships now - not because they somehow deserve it more, just because they finally happened to meet the right people. And because they’re so great, those relationships are (as far as I can tell) also great.
