I’m not gay, but I did read this thing on Craigslist To the gay men who complain about the lack of quality men… and it actually has some pretty good advice for everyone.
(Don’t ask me why I was reading it in the first place).
I live in a big city (Los Angeles), and I have men routinely ask me out for a date (or lunch or whatever). Next week, I’m going out to lunch with a nice man who wanted to take me out to lunch. He’s not really my type, but whatever.
I’ve had some boyfriends that I ended up sleeping with on the night we met. We decided to meet up again, and somehow the casual relationship turned into a boyfriend one.
There are also gay clubs for every type of activity you can think of – soccer, singing, karate, theater (shocking, I know!). This social club you’re in? Is it centered around a specific activity you enjoy, or is it some general meeting kind of club?
I don’t know you personally, but it sounds to me like you’ve got a very rigid definition of how to meet a boyfriend. Now that’s fine, but it’s simply going to be more difficult to meet someone, since the odds of someone having that same rigid definition is going to be kind of small. I’m not saying that you have to sleep with someone to find a boyfriend–I’ve had boyfriends that I didn’t sleep with until many dates in (usually at their behest). But it sounds to me like you have a traditional paradigm of asking out, then courting, then proposal in mind, and even straight people don’t necessarily function like this in mind.
As for gay oriented-churches: many people go to church who aren’t particularly religious or may be religious in a way that’s ok with you. If you’re having this much trouble, you might want to rethink going. At the very least, it’d be an interesting way to spend a Sunday morning.
I would also suggest volunteering. You’ll meet a wide mix of people who probably will be outside the normal circles you hang out in.
I think this is quite true.
But this:
LIES! All lies, I tell you! 
Oh, and a happy belated birthday to levdrakon!
Bingo!
I was the proverbial Gay boy slut…don’t even want to go into the numbers of men I slept with (that was a thread a few years ago), but at the time I had three, simultaneous, steady “boyfriends” that I was serious about…but one night I was alone and did some serious evaluation and figured all three were all a waste of time and I was going to break up with all of them and be celibate forever. Mind you, this was only after one beer, in a local bar in Berlin. Not some self-pity party.
Then - across a crowded room…I saw a guy and looked into his eyes. What can I tell ya…I just “knew” it. Despite what I had just promised thirty seconds prior, I went over and said “Hello.”
We have been together 26 1/2 years now, and I cannot imagine living without him.
I later found out he too had given up on finding Mr. Right. One more odd thing - he had gone to a psychic a few years earlier in Spain who told him, “You will meet an American who will be the love of your life and you will move there with him.” He had totally forgotten about it until a friend who was with him at the time reminded him of the story years later.
So, my advice?
- Don’t stop looking - I have lots of friends who gave up, stopped going out and seem to expect Mr. Right to come and knock on their door. They are lonely and alone. Like any good hunter, if you don’t go hunting, you won’t find meat.
- Don’t assume every guy at a bar is out for a one-night-stand - many (or most of them) are, but that doesn’t preclude success at that prime location.
- Buy a full-length mirror and get real. You seem to be fit and attractive, but I can’t begin to tell you how many guys I know who are fat, old and bald and are only attracted to slim, 20 year old guys with a swimmer’s body…in your dreams, pal. Yes, there are exceptions, but yes, people also win the lottery. Same odds, same chances.
- It is all in the eyes.
- Find a good psychic.
Gosh, thanks!
You’re quite welcome!
And here’s to hoping that, now that you’re “older” ('cause 43 most definitely ain’t old fart territory) and wiser, more of those “okay” (i.e., “more than okay” in disguise) men will come your way.
Take this for what it’s worth; i.e., the advice of a 33 year old straight guy with tons of lesbian friends but only a select few gay guy friends.
I totally agree with levdrakon here. I think the stereotype of the “fabulous” gay guy is 90% due to the fact that a lot of gay guys seem to take really good care of themselves: get in shape, get regular (good) haircuts, dress well, etc. And that’s a byproduct of high self-esteem, which can be reinforced by love.
Neither gay nor male, but don’t forget the value of networking. A former co-worker of mine met his partner when he came out to someone at work and she said “oh, thank God, I’ve been dying to introduce you to my brother, you guys will get along great!” And they did.
Let people know you are looking - its like finding a job. And like finding a job, most setups will suck - but its a little more discriminating than a bar.
My advice would be to be open to possibilities and don’t look for someone for a relationship. That second part is really putting the cart before the horse. Start slowly and see where it takes you.
I met my partner online of all places and didn’t think it would go anywhere. He had some “strikes” against him; he was just out of a 17 year marriage to a woman, he has three kids part-time, and he LOVED dance music. These things would previously send me running for the hills. Fast forward to present and we’re a strong, monogamous couple, the three kids are now living with us full time and call me dad #2, and I still hate dance music and he still loves it. Somethings don’t change, but some do. I never thought I’d be tucking kids into their beds, finding the throw-up bucket, taking family vacations to China and Egypyt, or making homework charts to encourage improvement but here I am and I’m loving it (and him).
So, the next time you think of closing a door on a potential suiter, take a minute and get to know what’s behind it.
The absolute truth. If you can’t find anyone in San Francisco, you’ll get no pity from anyone.
After breaking up with the fellow I thought was the great love of my life, I’d rolled along, single and hating it, for three years. Then I found myself chatting with a friend of my brother’s at a St. Jean Baptiste party. As he went inside to get dessert, I whispered to my brother, “Is he gay?”
“Duh!” my brother said.
The friend and I spent the rest of the evening chatting each other up, and now we’re going together. What can I say? Get your relatives to invite cute gay boys to their garden parties.