Question for Gay dopers...How do I find a boyfriend?

Slightly over two years ago, my boyfriend and I (I’m a gay man) decided to pack up and move from Virginia to California. It was a bold move on out part and I don’t regret it. I was somewhat reluctant to move because I’d be leaving behind some good friends. However, I’ve since made some great friends in San Francisco.

Fast forward to October 2006. My boyfriend of three years announces that he wants to break-up so he can “discover” himself. I decided that it was probably for the best that I move out. So, I found a nice place to live and have the best roommate ever.

I was actually looking forward to being on my own and dating new people, etc. I though that I’d date a few guys and then meet the “man of my dreams” and fall madly in love. It’s now 10 months later and I haven’t even come close to meeting anyone of substance. At first, I would go out to the bars in the Castro and meet guys, but I quickly found out that meeting a “soul-mate” in a bar was NOT going to happen…however I did manage to get a LOT of attention . I then tried online sources, with very little success. I joined a gay social club that meets every two weeks for dinner and conversation. I have met a lot of guys but they all have one thing in common….they want sex and after they get that (or not), they move on. It seems that no one is looking for anything, other than casual sex. I think San Francisco (and probably every other city) has a very “I want it NOW” attitude. I’m at wits end.

How does one date? I see a lot of gay couples in the city and know that it is possible to find a soul-mate, but I want to know how. Some of my friends suggest that a good place to find a soul-mate is church, but I’m not into religion at all and don’t particularly want a boyfriend that is.

I am fairly new to the dating scene, since I’ve spent all of my adult life in 3 monogamous relationships (7 years, 13 years and 3 years).

Do any of my fellow dopers have suggestions on what I can do to find a substantial man to date? I know that I’m a catch, I’m attractive, have a decent job and have no illegal vices. I’ve been told by so many people that I’m a brilliant conversationalist and a lot of fun to be around.

Move to Toronto. Men slightly outnumber women here (I think it’s something like 51% to 49%).

You can get married here, too.


Well, first off, regrets on the troubles with the ex-boyfriend, but you seem to be handling it well. Good for you.

Being happily single myself (and too busy to look if I actively wanted a relationship, anyway), I can’t offer much in the way of advice outside of some of the things that you’ve already mentioned that you’ve done.

I think you’re right–finding Mr. Right (for the next “X” number of years) in a bar is a really hit-or-miss proposition; however, despite the lack of success you’ve had with the social club, I think that you could be on the right track there. As I’m sure you realize, finding a companion–the right companion–often takes a bit of time and patience. The most important thing, I think, is for you to just live your life, be who you *really * are, and do things that being you joy.

When I found and fell in love with my ex-husband, I though it was the coolest thing because…well, I wasn’t looking for anyone. At all. I was just doing my thing, and there he appeared, out of the blue. And though our relationship did eventually end, I was grateful and better off for having had him in my life.

So, I guess what I’m saying is, you just do your thing, and the rest will (most likely/maybe/I don’t know) fall into place. And hey, if that means joining other organizations/clubs that are centered around your passions–which means that you’ll get to have a great time either way–then, cool, do that.

Also, I don’t know about the internet dating scene–I’ve used it only for the occasional hook-up (not with stellar success, BTW), but my understanding is that it’s defiinitely losing its stigma, and people *do * find long-term mates that way. Like everything else, though, it takes time. And perhaps kissing a few frogs. :frowning:

One thought occurs to me: Are you at all limiting yourself (I mean, in a seriously restrictive way) to the kinds of men that you’re willing to date? I think that the more open you are (within reason, of course–no axe murderers need apply) to the kinds of men that you’re willing to date, the more likely the chance of finding your soul-mate. And whatever happens, you at least run the risk of expanding your circle of interesing human connections. Just a thought.

At any rate, even though I feel that a standard-issue relationship would be too many changes for me, I do feel for people who really, *really * want someone in their lives, and so I’ll think good thoughts for you.

Other than that, I’m sorry that I couldn’t be much help.

BTW, gay man here (37 y.o, probably around your age), in case you were wondering.

On preview: **Sunspace ** makes an interesting point, too!

I’m not a member of the demographic group addressed, but seems to me romance is romance; you’re looking for a mate with certain attributes. You’re an intelligent guy – go to those places where one would find such men, whether it’s sports bars, basketball games, home shows or the symphony. Then just let lightning strike. It will.

I think the “I just want sex now” attitude is occurring across the board, male and female, gay and straight. I think it’s a generational thing, maybe a little post-911, global warming, let’s get it on because it may not be here tomorrow kind of feeling. But not everybody is like that. Just be patient, don’t be afraid to let people know that you are looking for a long-term relationship. He’ll find you. Or you’ll find him.

I know, there’s nothing worse than an old fart telling a youngster, “Be patient, love will happen.” But the truth is, that’s pretty much it.

Well, whatever you do, don’t move to Cleveland. You think it’s hard going in SF? Think how I feel. :frowning:

Mind over matter.

You convince yourself that what you really need and want is a nice, casual, one-night-stand-fling or two. This may take you a while, but is THE crucial step to this process and you MUST comply with it. Once you have achieved this paradigm shift, start going out to the clubs again. You are 100% guaranteed to meet a really hot, brilliant, awesome guy who isn’t into casual sex, but something about you and the line you tried to use on him to get him back to your bedroom…he can’t quite put his finger on it, but he likes it.

Dating ensues, and it only takes you 3 months to convince him that you really weren’t a circuit-boy-ho’, you were merely playing the role that irony often seems to require of single people.

If I knew how to find a boyfriend, I’d have one.

In my experience, the right guy shows up when you’re not looking. My SO of six years came along at a time that I was not even considering dating. We chatted online for about 4 months and finally decided to meet. We have now been together for a little over 6 years.

My advice, go out and find things to do that you enjoy. Sports, music, golf, bar hopping, volunteering…whatever it is you like to do. But go with the goal of enjoying yourself. If you do meet something that you connect with, great! If not, you’re still out and about doing things you like doing.

“Oh, man, I can’t find a girlfriend. All the good ones are taken, and usually by jerks. We should just turn gay. Our problems would be solved.”

Do you honestly think that people are basing their sex lives on things like the emergency telephone number or global warming?

Ah, yes. As you are discovering–if only vicariously–our grass is apparently not that much greener than yours! :slight_smile:

Waiting for lightning to strike does not work quite as well for homosexuals. We don’t have very good odds on our side when it comes to meeting others at random. I’ve been single for the past year now and am not actively looking for a partner. I can’t remember even talking to a potential prospect in the past six months. The number of gay men I run into in my regular routine is pretty slim.

I’ve found the only effective way to find bf’s is to be actively searching. I don’t care much for clubs but when I was looking for my last bf I made sure I went to a club at least once a week and danced my ass off. I’d never turn away a conversation with someone new. I went on many dates that went nowhere. I liked doing lunch dates and such with limited time so when I didn’t want sex I could just meet him talk a bit have a sandwich and not hook up.

An advantage to being a single gay man is sex is everywhere. It’s extremely easy to get laid. Finding romantic interests is much harder and can take allot of time.

Pravda pravda, true true. All this talk about gay promiscuity and I’d settle for a date.

What really gets me into a self-pityfest is when I see pictures of Chang & Eng Bunker. Here are two men who wandered from their freak show circuit into antebellum provincial North Carolina, where most of the people had never seen Asians before, let alone Asians joined at the stomach, where people still practiced folk magic and believed slavery was a good idea, and yet these two straight guys with a common navel still managed to find wives and even sire two dozen kids between them (which was the only way they could sire kids, of course). Here’s me, detached and singular, not Brad Pitt admittedly but not Danny Devito either, living in 21st century info-age city of a quarter million, and I can’t even get a date. Sigh. It’s a straight man’s world…

Next year in Fire Island.

Maybe I should have written the now-traditional 9/11. There is a considerable body of research that posits that, in times of perceived pending doom, humans tend to copulate indiscriminately and somewhat indiscretely, perhaps even with abandon. The theory is that our urge to procreate takes over as we try to produce more humans than the pending catastrphe can kill. It’s just a theory, but studies (which I’m unable to access on the Internet, and this is, after all, IMHO and not GD) have shown surges in birth rates nine months after major catastrophes. The 9/11 attacks (Sept. 11, 2001) were the latest events studied in this manner.

All of us sad sack single homo-Dopers should be each others’ virtual boyfriends.

Sadly, this is a consequence of living in a “Christian nation.” If our society simply accepted people as they are (pretty and ugly, fat and skinny, homosexual and heterosexual) you and I would both be happier. And you would find love as easily as I did.

Or, I could just be an idealistic, naive old fart.

With the exception of that last sentence, I feel exactly the same way: as if I am invisible to the members of my desired sex. I always thought that gay people had an easier time hooking up.

How did you meet those three guys? Try doing the same thing again.

Oh, and do you have a straight brother I could meet?

Hi. I do not have the honour of being Sampiro’s brother, but I am strai–what? Interrupting his thread? What do you mean? I was just commiserating as a fellow human geing! I–biff sock THUD arrghh scrape scrape
:: dragged offstage by the cultural police ::

Ow. SF is rough. All the big gay meccas are rough. Thousands of fabulous guys, looking for other fabulous guys, constantly trying to trade up. It sucks, I tell ya.

Find a good man. Love him. Maybe he ain’t that hot looking. Love him anyway. He’ll love you.

Something my mom taught me as a wee lad. Any woman can be beautiful, if she’s genuinely loved.

Same thing with guys. Love him, despite his not-so-fabulousness. You’d be surprised how a person who is genuinely, devotedly loved, can suddenly become fabulous. Next thing you know, you’re walking down the street looking like a happy fabulous couple and everyone else is looking at you and wondering how you do it.

Don’t listen to me though, I’m a single, bitter, jaded old fart who just turned 43 yesterday and I’ve let a few of those “okay” guys slip through my fingers.