The secret to success with women is… get a job, don’t be a douche. It’s not that hard. What I have discovered in my 40 years on this planet is that there are surprisingly few men who have a job and aren’t douches. These three gentlemen likely don’t fall into both or either of those categories. An interesting thing about women is that contrary to popular belief, they actually WANT to be in a relationship with someone (who statistically is male.) They also have the same conversations amongst themselves about where to go to find men who have jobs and aren’t douches.
Firstly, one of the problems that these gents has is that they are ‘looking for a hot girl’ and not just one ‘hot girl,’ but a multitude of them. Unless they are medieval sultans which seems unlikely, that firmly places them in two categories: they are both delusional and they are douches. It is an unfortunate place to be and we must mourn for them and pray they see the errors of their douchedom. A far more productive path toward matrimonial bliss (and I use the word matrimonial intentionally because if they are just looking for a good time or even a long-term relationship without commitment, they are either becoming douches again, or treading very close to the line. Remember, don’t be a douche.) is to say “I want to find a nice girl and she has the qualities of kindness, intelligence and a strong moral center. (or substitute your particular qualities here.)” I caution you on making physical attractiveness one of those qualities, because you are looking for someone to spend your life with (remember, you’re not being a douche.) and attractiveness is ephemeral. Look up a picture of Kelly McGillis in 1986 and look at her picture now… I’ll wait. There’s nothing wrong with the way that she looks now-she looks like many older women do, and likely she probably possesses kindness, intelligence and a strong moral center (If indeed she possessed those in her youth.) but if you were with her because of her physical attractiveness, you would be in for a sad future.
Once you as a man who is hopefully gainfully employed and who has put the world of douchedom far behind you have come up with those qualities, then you must think to yourself, “Where exactly would a young lady with intelligence, kindness and a strong moral center find herself?” (Unfortunately, frequently they are home watching Netflix, which as a non-douche you should respect and not attempt to break into their home. I cannot stress this enough.) You must pretend to be a young woman and think to yourself “Where would I be and where would I not mind meeting someone new?” This last bit is particularly important because while a woman who meets your qualities may indeed be found running at their local park at 5am, running up beside her in the dark and saying “hello” makes you a douche-which is what we must do our best to avoid. In my wife’s case (and it is important to note that she is indeed a kind, intelligent woman with a strong moral center.) she would often be found at a local church (strong moral center) near her university campus (intelligent) or volunteering at animal shelters or with the homeless (kindness) You of course have your own set of desires for a spouse, so animal shelters or churches may not be ideal for you (and indeed if you hate either animals or God, may in fact be very poor choices-if you hate animals or God, yet go to animal shelters or churches to meet people, you are once again stepping foot over the douche line. Don’t do that.)
Now that you have gone to a place (we’ll say animal shelter since even if you don’t meet someone, you get to play with puppies and who doesn’t like to play with puppies? A douche, that’s who.) where a woman who may meet your criteria for a future life partner may be, it’s time to really gird up your loins. The first thing you must do is start talking to everyone that is at such a place. Not doing this is a mistake that many men make. You do not find a random ‘hot girl’ and immediately make a beeline for her like a fish to a worm. There are two reasons for this. Firstly, that makes you a douche (don’t do that, of course, just going to a particular place to meet women makes you a little douchy, but do your best to redeem yourself and actually be a good community member) and secondly, how the heck do you know what everyone is like? Maybe the sweet old lady in the corner is a wonderful conversationalist or the pudgy 50-year-old guy is a bit lonely and needs a pick me up. Remember, you are not a douche. People do not exist for your pleasure. You are part of a community. And that might mean that girl in the corner who is your age and who you are immediately attracted to leaves the animal shelter and you never see her again. Oh well, she isn’t your possession because you aren’t a douche and that happens. Maybe though pudgy 50-year-old guy has a niece that might be perfect for you or old lady has a granddaughter that you would like. Or maybe they don’t and that’s OK because you’re not a douche and speaking with people and caring about their lives is what people who aren’t douches do.
Final step, you have spent time talking to people as you clean up dog crap and brush tangled coats. You finally come into contact with a woman who seems your age and has a pleasant laugh and doesn’t look as though she is addicted to heroin or kicks old people down stairs. You must be very careful, because many men at this stage err. They will say, “I am a nice guy and I have a job. You must have sex with me at once.” This is the ‘nice guy’ trap. It is a sad and lonely trap to be in. You see, by nature of the fact that you are saying you are a nice guy and that you intentionally act over the top in ways that you think a nice guy would act–that actually makes you a douche and women who have more powerfully attuned senses than we poor mortal men can smell the douche on them and will be repulsed. You see, a nice guy is not someone who tips his hat and says ‘m’lady.’ That is a pretentious guy which is just another kind of douche though perhaps a better class of douche than our New Jersey friends above. A nice guy is concerned that the dog he is brushing isn’t getting tangles and that the woman that he is talking to is enjoying her day and a nice guy knows that maybe the woman he is talking to just doesn’t like him and that’s OK because a nice guy isn’t a douche and people who aren’t douches recognize that sometimes people just don’t like you in that way and that’s OK because who wants to spend the rest of their life with someone who just doesn’t like them in that way? What’s nice though is that she does like dogs and may be a nice person who just doesn’t like you, but who likes to hang out with you. Or maybe she doesn’t even like to hang out with you because you haven’t bathed enough or she likes to keep her real life and her animal shelter life separate or any of a billion reasons and that’s OK, because that’s how life goes sometimes and at least you made friends with the old lady you talked to earlier. It doesn’t matter, because maybe you made a friend today or maybe you met your soulmate or maybe you met someone who will introduce you to your soulmate and at least you got to play with puppies, and that’s a pretty good day.
So, in conclusion, if you are desirous of finding a wonderful person with whom you can spend your golden years… get a job and don’t be a douche and I’m a firm believer that sooner or later you’ll find that person who is kind, intelligent and has a good moral center and who gives you butterflies in your stomach when she walks in the room. Good luck and don’t be a douche.
