My BF has invited me to spend Thanksgiving at his parents’ home. However, he has not come out to his parents, and I would be going as a “friend.” On the other hand, he has stated that he may come out to his parents while he is home. In which case, I would become more than a “friend.” In either case, I am hesistant - one, I would feel uncomfortable being deceitful to his parents. Secondly, I expect major family drama if he decides to come out, and I don’t think that having me there would help the situation. I want to support him, but I am also not looking forward to the Thanksgiving from hell that this could become.
What a difficult position to be placed in. Does your SO live in the same area as his parents? Could he go there before Thanksgiving to discuss this? Even if he doesn’t live nearby, I don’t see why he can’t call. My family was supportive when my brother came out, but I have a lot of friends whose families weren’t as accepting. I guess what I don’t understand is why your SO needs to have this discussion on Thanksgiving? If his family is less than accepting, you would have time to make contingency plans.
If you haven’t already, talk to your BF, saying the same things that you posted here. It’s best to get this kind of thing out in the open. I agree with cichlidiot in that you should ask if he can talk to his family before Thanksgiving, or afterwards–at any rate, at a time when you aren’t present. It could all too easily turn into a yell-fest at you, which would be totally unfair.
I also don’t think that having you pretend to be just a friend is fair–it smacks of high school. However, given the situation, I can understand somewhat; it’s up to you and him.
I wish you and your BF luck in this… ::virtu-hug::
I would not do what he suggests there, this is between him and them.
If it were me, I would (at some other time than a major family holiday) book the pair of us into a hotel nearby. He goes to talk to his parents, you go shopping. Whether his coming out goes well or not, it is good for his parents to have the house to themselves to be able to talk to eachother or freak out or whatever, just space. If during the proceedings it seems like a good idea to bring you home to meet mom’n’pop then you are conveniently nearby. If not, welp, then you are there for him to support him in the evenings or whatever.
DO NOT GO!
I lived through a similar experience. It was hell.
Either he fesses up the whole story to his parents BEFORE Thanksgiving and they extend a personal invitation to you or forget this madness. No good can possibly come out of this, other than high drama.
Besides, holidays are often a time of stress for families anyway. Why add fuel to the fire?
If your BF does not decide to come out, then the worst would be watching what you say to make sure you don’t slip up. Not fun.
If he does come out … wow, I can think of few more uncomfortable situations than sitting there at a Thanksgiving meal during somebody else’s family fight. Furthermore, if he brings you to dinner and then comes out, the family may see you as the “cause” of his homosexuality. Your situation goes from bad to worse.
Seriously … work it out beforehand. Explain your feelings to your SO. There’s gotta be a better way.
Thanks, I forgot to mention that one of the reasons that he wanted me there was moral support when/if he came out. I pretty much saw this as a train wreck waiting to happen. I know that he does want to come out to his family. I suggested that he tell his sister first. I have met her, and she seems to be very sympathetic. She gave us the impression that she knew and was trying to let us know that she would be supportive. I am not going to go, and he is okay with that. I have invited him to spend Thanksgiving at my parents’ house (a different type of drama, but at least they’re okay with the gay thing). I told him that if he goes to his parents’ and needs me, I will drive up, and help anyway I can - even if it’s just to pick him up and bring him back to campus. He does realize that this may not be the best time to have this conversation with his parents, but he feels that he can’t keep it in any longer and just wants to get it over with. That’s his choice, and I respect that. I did, however, get him to agree to visit the campus counseling office tomorrow to talk this over with an impartial third party.
Thanksgiving is NOT the time or place to come out!
Your BF should come out before T’day, or even better, after the first of the year! And, imho you shouldn’t to T’day with him this year. As you stated, it’s just a lie. And him coming out with you there, is just too… too, movie of the week drama.
And how old are you guys? If it’s past mid twenties, they may pick up on it anyway, then they may… oh, who knows what will happen.
I came out to my family nearly 30 years ago. I have never regreted it. But you have to pick your time and place. Even if the family may think their son or daughter is gay, it’s a lot to process.
Hey, they may handle it without a problem, and you can all be one big happy family. But why risk it. Tell your man to pick a better time.
In the very best possible outcome, this is still going to put you in a very awkward position vis a vis the family. Bringing home an SO is not the best way to come out, especially not to a family that might flip.
If he absolutely must come out over Thanksgiving, be there for him in spirit - stay by a phone and give him the numbers, and go get him if things turn really ugly.
The holidays are the worst possible time to come out to your family. Seriously- everyone is stressed out, and the whole gay thing is something that deserves a very long conversation at the very least. It’s not fair to anyone to try to navigate this when dealing with relatives, cooking, and all of that sort of thing. Your boy should come out, yes, but wait.
Like I said, I ain’t going, but I have let him know (and will continue to) that whatever his decision I will be there for him. If he does decide to do it, it’s probably gonna suck for him and his family for a while.
I wouldn’t go if he plans to come out that weekend. It will likely be a very high stress time for his family and him. They may end up taking it out on you.
I have gone to closeted friends/boyfriends family’s homes for various holidays and haven’t had a problem. But these people were not coming out at the given time either. It wasn’t a problem. Just don’t expect to sleep in the same bed as the bf and it will be ok.
If he doesn’t plan on coming out that day, I would go with him simply to get his parents used to him having special guy friends and then let him come out later after his parents get to know you. (Like a week after Thanksgiving.) He can then say, well you liked my boyfriend then and you have always loved me, why can’t you be happy for me?
You’ve gotten some good advice here. It’s never easy coming out to family, and I understand your boyfriend’s desire to have moral support there, but there are some things you just have to do by yourself. It’d be unfair to his family to have a stranger there, on his side; it would be impossible to talk these things out as a family in those circumstances. Be there to help beforehand, and afterward. But being there during the discussion isn’t going to help.
Oh, and as to the Thanksgiving thing, I find it’s a good rule of thumb to avoid any situation which, in the context of a sitcom, would be described as ‘wacky’ or ‘zany.’ It’s a rule that’s served me well throughout my life.
Holiday time is a horrible time to drop a bombshell (if they’re likely to see it as a “bombshell” – I’m from a more “shrug-yeah-whatever” household). Holiday’s are always filled with messed up family dynamics. Stupid comparisson: They always say “never introduce a new puppy into a home at Christams time – too chaotic.”
Same deal for holiday “outings.” They are a quick way to build instant resentment.
It’s preferable to let parents adjust to an idea before actually confronting them with the reality of it (namely, you).
My best friend is a lesbian M>F transexual. I’m a straight woman. We started as internet friends and the first time I came to visit her, shortly after she told her mother she was changing genders (she told her mom right before she was due to go in for breast implants), her mom treated me as if I were to blame for her son’s transformation. My friend had told her mom I was straight, but it didn’t seem to matter. I was an outsider and accepting, so it must be my fault. How much worse would it have been if I really had been interested in Dianne romantically.
I think you’re choosing the right path. Let him tell them and let them accept him before being forced to accept you, too.
I didn’t come out during a holiday, but I came out to a bunch of distant (and I do meen distant) relatives at a reunion. It didn’t go over well with anybody, to say the least.
BF is going to wait until winter break (after Christmas) to come out. He’s definitely sure that he will do it and seems much happier now that he’s thought it through. We will be spending Thanksgiving with my folks. Anyone for a vegan Thanksgiving?
