“Do you take this woman to be your awfully wedded wife…”?
You mean this one? Standing here, all dressed up?
Oh no, no no noooooooo Nava! One must NEVER assume a lady is pregnant unless GIVING BIRTH at the time of asking. My first husband got brained with a tin of tomatoes for this indiscretion. (And yeah - it was me that did it in the supermarket carpark - and he wondered why Shirley didn’t just come 'round like before)
“Are you going out?”
This said as you put on your coat/shoes and head for the door
From Basic Training, in reference to my bed:
“Trainee, is this tight neat and wrinkle free?!”
Actually, the MTIs at Basic Training asked an awful lot of remarkably stupid questions. :rolleyes:
Of course, the only way to respond to this is: “Yarp, goin’ for a dip in the canal.”
That’s why I added the dress and complaints. I was thinking of a coworker who until the 5 month mark looked absolutely unpregnant and from that point on, “like an olive on a stick”. The last four months were also accompanied by the kind of clothing that only someone in the grip of insanity or pregnancy would wear and constant “oooWWW my kidneys, oooOOOwww my feet,” as well as by every not-a-regular trucker who came into the factory asking “oh, my, are you pregnant, miss?” except for one who was stunned hearing another one ask the question (the stunned one was 18 and apparently hadn’t mentally connected pregnancy with back pain and swollen feet, yet).
Truckers aren’t much into subtle, usually.
And in any case, if you think what’s going on may be anything other than pregnancy, you should just Keep Your Mouth Shut. After all, it’s a real bad case of “damned if I do, damned if I don’t;” if a pregnant woman wants to tell you about it, there’s no need to ask, and if a woman who’s got a belly for whichever reason isn’t interested on discussing it, you better don’t bring it up.
This happens pretty regularly with my kids, so I just play along. For instance, when I am in the kitchen around 6pm, chopping an onion on the counter next to a pan on the burner, my daughter will come in and ask “Dad, are you making dinner?”
So I stop, look her in the eye, calmly say “No” and go back to chopping the onion.
“Daaaaaaaaad!”
I don’t think there’s anything NSFW about it…it’s The Angels (with Doc Neeson on bass!) singing that song on TV. Excellent song, BTW.
“How long is your hair?”
Asked of me while standing right in front of me, while my hair was down.
Anyone who has ever worked in retail will be familiar with this one:
A customer approaches you and the first question out of their mouth is, “Do you work here?”
No, you mindless numbnutted FUCKTARD, I’m just dressed like one of their employees since I just looooove shopping at this store so much. Perhaps the nametag and apron were not good enough clues for you, moron?!
You’re hosting a party with 15 of your most football obsessed friends. All eyes are trained on the big screen when your team scores the biggest play of the season. You know someone’s got to shout, “Did you see that? Did you SEE THAT!!!”
“…awfully wedded wife.” I’ve had two of those.
They might have been wondering what the measured length was (“about 3 feet”) as opposed to the relative length (“down to my butt”).
A friend of mine used to manage a sportings goods department at Montgomery Ward many years ago. He had this exact conversation more than once.
Customer: How much is this bicycle and what colors does it come in?
My buddy: Which bicycle?
Customer: The red one.
My buddy: The red one marked $29.95? (this was a loooong time ago)
Customer: Yes.
My buddy: It’s $29.95 and it comes in red.
This is one of my favorites:
I’m on another phone line, when someone else calls. They duly leave a message. I finish my first call, then listen to their message.
I then call them back.
“Didja get my message?”
How the hell do you think that I knew to call you back in the first place?
People who complain about “dumb” questions are, 9 out of 10 times, more dense than those who ask them. You’ve got to interpret the entire question, not just each individual word.
For instance:
“Are you going out?” as you put on your coat and shoes and head for the doors. It means, A) where are you going? or B) are you actually leaving or just pulling the trash down to the curb, adjusting the sprinklers, saying hi to Bill across the street, etc.
“Are you making dinner?” as you chop onions. A) What are you making for dinner? B) Gee, dad, you don’t usually make dinner, what’s up?
“Did you get my message” shortly after leaving one is a very valid question. I ask this when the situation arises and the answer is usually “No.” Caller-ID is almost universal these days and a lot of people would rather call you back than double their efforts by listening to your voicemail first. Assuming they got your message can lead to a very confusing conversation. It has happened to me many times; that’s why I always ask now. It can also be a polite way to get to the point and begin talking about the content of the message.
Speaking of polite . . .
“Do you work here?” means, A) Are you on duty and the right person to help me? B) I understand that retail companies contract out various jobs such as inventory and maintenence, and you may not be an employee of this actual store C) I’m shy and I don’t know how else to approach you D) I understand that retail employees shop before and after work, and you may a similarly dressed employee of another store.
I remember when I was at HEB one day, in the customary khaki slacks and red polo shirt worn by all employees of that grocery store. Someone asked me which aisle the pasta was kept in or something, and I answered them right off the cuff.
“Gee, thanks! How long have you worked here?”
“I don’t work here. I just got off work from Wing Zone.”
Wing Zone, incidentally, wears khaki slacks and a red polo shirt, in addition to a retarded golf visor which I make a point to lose as soon as I get off work.
I’ve gotten several phone calls from people to the pharmacy asking if they need to bring their prescription in for us to fill it. Either they assume that their doctor gave them an illegible piece of paper for their records, and called the real prescription in to us, or that they’re supposed to read it to me over the phone or something.
Maybe, but when is the last time you measured your hair?
Well, the proper answer is “one head, one back and half an ass”, of course.