Questions you've secretly always wanted to ask the other sex

In My Humble Opinion
461

I’m 5’4". In college, there was a guy who I had a major crush on who was shorter than me. I was and am shy and socially awkward, though, so I never took it any further than having a crush on him. If he’d approached me, though, I’d have jumped at the chance. I’ve also had a crush on a guy who was 6’7".

Of course, bear in mind that I also like chest hair and don’t mind back hair, and prefer a fat or skinny geek to big muscles. So I may not be typical.

Me. My thoughts tend to flow in similar directions. I like nothing better than thinking about things that are connected to my daily life only in very tenuous ways, if at all. The best conversations are about such things.

462

Yes. Of course I watch for other people and move out of the way. However, if they refuse to make eye contact or give up a couple inches in their path as well, I might just walk slam right into them. It’s a pet peeve of mine when other people act like they are the only humans on the planet and all the rest of us should just move out of their way.

Hey, we all have to give a little. If you don’t give a little and I think you’re being a dick about it… I’ll just take the space I need. So there.

463

Yes and no. In my experience people never mention sex, even if it’s the obvious course of action. When I meet a girl who I know is attracted to me, we’re still meeting up “for coffee” or “just having dinner”. Even when somebody “accidentally” stays over too late, it’s still the couch being offered initially. I’d say that an invite to his beach house is him showing interest, and you actually coming out there is you returning it. Once you’re past that point things should go naturally, unless there’s been one heck of a mix-up (in which case the worst case scenario is that you’ll have a nice stay at a beach house).

And about him bolting? Ask yourself whether you’d rather have a short but sweet affair with him before he moves or not at all. Personally I don’t mind having my heart crushed once in a while, all the fun in between is worth it.

464

Hm. I’m 5’10", and I spent a fair chunk of my teens in poor areas of Mexico, where the average height is, well, short. I love being huge (vertically, anyway; horizontally, not so much). I can look over everyone’s head and get things off tall shelves and all kinds of stuff! But I do like men who are taller than me, coz it’s fun to look waaaay up at people sometimes. Shorter is not a deal-breaker, unless he’s insecure about it.

465

Actually, a majority of women do not like big muscles. Men like big muscles, so they think that’s what we’ll like too.

466

I don’t know about everyone else, but for me it’s just because crying feels so dadgomed awful. I tend to feel even worse after crying about something. Sure, an hour later I may feel better, but most of the time, whatever’s bothering me isn’t worth the turmoil. The first time i went to see a psychologist about my OCD, I actually made him promise not to try and make me cry.

The “being distant” thing is all about gradually releasing the problem. We, or I, at least, do actually talk about it. But we do so quite subtly and in such small pieces that you’ll never be able to put it all together. In fact, if you do figure out what’s bothering us and tell us, we get a little upset.

Incidentally, facing something head on is not considered the best way by psychologists. Take a person who has a phobia of water, and throw them in the water. They might get over their fear. They most likely won’t drown. But they can wind up like me: scared to even be at a pool, where my head might accidentally go under water. Before I was just scared of drowning.

There’s a reason they use Sytematic (gradual) Desensitization.

467

Just saw this above my post, so I don’t know if this was already said. Good thing we’re in IMHO.

Anyways, women have the same problem with overly petite bodies. It’s actually been scientifically documented. Someone else will have to find the test, as I can’t find one I can access from home, but women were much more likely to choose the skinniest body shape as attractive, while most men pick somewhere in the middle.

It honestly doesn’t surprise me. I find that I, and my other male friends, are really bad about knowing what women find physically attractive. I mean, I get why girls like pretty boys, but that’s about it.

468

Women like muscular builds. They just don’t like roid builds. A muscular man on steroids looks “off” to women.

469

Also, even if women don’t like big muscles, men will seek them not because of a mistaken belief about what women want or because they’re secretly trying to attract men, but because it provides a signal to other men not to fuck with us, not to mention that big muscles are a fortunate byproduct of a good diet and exercise regimen, which is beneficial in and of itself.

470

MOIDALIZE, my pet, where does it say anything about steroids? From the linked cites:

“In a pilot study, however, the authors found that actual women preferred an ordinary male body without added muscle.”

“Women emphasized lean/broad-shouldered and average/balanced male types. Men emphasized the muscular bulk male type.”

Give me 30 minutes on PubMed and I can find another 10-20 cites to the same effect. The average American woman prefers a male build of roughly average muscularity.

471

Girls, why is it that you always have to dump on a nice guy? It seems no ladies ever believe a guy’s just nice: he’s either a pussy or he’s clingy. Opening doors, pulling out chairs, paying for dinner, etc. are all things I enjoy doing because I like making the girl happy, but it is always taken the wrong way. Guys who are called at midnight to give a ride to a girl who get stranded because their car died are dumped on by other girls when they hear it. Its never “oh he’s a great friend, a great guy”. Its always “wow I can’t believe he couldn’t tell her no”. Even female friends have said that to me, when all I wanted was to be a nice guy that can be depended on. WTF?

472

Okay Doper Dudes, I need some help.

Because I have difficulties meeting guys face-to-face (they’re all taken, or gay, or oblivious to my charm somehow) I’ve turned as everyone else has, to the internet. Now this has been hit or miss for me, as I’ve met a couple of guys that I dated but didn’t work out for whatever reason, a couple that I got hinky feelings about and dumped, and a bunch of guys who played games with me.

It’s the game playing that really gets me – like I have to do all the emailing, calling, etc. which I get sick of REAL quick and break off contact. Like this one guy I met, we went on this great date and I was smitten with him. A couple of days later I was working with the Domino Effect concert in New Orleans and had backstage passes so I tried to call him to get him in. He didn’t answer my calls, and then a couple of days later he finally texted me, “What did you want?” I informed him that I would have gotten him backstage to meet B.B. King, Chuck Berry, Little Richard, and others, if he’d just answered the phone, but that it was too late now. Then I didn’t hear from him for 2 weeks, gave up and went out with someone else, and out of the blue he calls me all casual, claiming he was “busy”. Now I may be naive but I’m not stupid, and I know if a guy is into you he’ll find time to contact you within 2 freaking weeks. He was busy, all right, probably busy with some other girl who didn’t work out so he went to me, his back-up plan. I told him off but I was still really hurt by the whole thing. I had really liked him and had tried to do something special for him and I felt like it just got thrown back in my face.

What’s frustrating is that when I ask men what I’m doing wrong with these guys, they give me the same old line: “Men aren’t complicated, etc. etc.” Which I don’t buy because these guys talk like they’re interested in me and then end up wasting my time playing games with me. That sends my self-esteem into a nosedive because I figure I’m not pretty enough, charming enough, whatever to hook these guys like some girls I know do.

So do men play these games because I’m just a back-up plan for them in case some other, more attractive girl doesn’t work out? Am I too nice? Should I be a raving bitch? (seems to work for all the raving bitches I know) Should I pack it in and get dozens of cats?

473

I’m not a woman but, I’m going to take a stab at this one.

  1. Expectations. When you behave in a manner that people don’t expect they will try to decipher motives. People are notoriously horrible at this.

  2. Friends don’t spend all their time running to the rescue. Friends spend time together enjoying each others company and will permit occasional favors. If your friendships exist as a series of favors given, then you are not a friend, you are a cab driver/mechanic/handyman who works for free.

  3. People who you find attractive may not find you attractive, and therefore don’t want to date you no matter how nice you are. Physical attraction often trumps all.

  4. Constant availability reeks of desperation. Also it raises questions about why you don’t have your own interesting life to manage.

  5. Nice is okay, if you are an interesting too. Most guys I’ve met who suffer from “Nice Guy Syndrome” usually have a case of “Boring as hell” to go along with it.

  6. Nice is often a cover up for indecisive, passive milquetoasts. No one wants to be around people like that, they tend to be a drag.

  7. Next time she needs a favor, you can help her, but make her sweat a little, remember if you treat your time/self as valuable, then it/you will be more valued by others.

Raving bitch is the other extreme, a pinch of indifference and self-interest will go a long way.

474

Yes. Possibly. No. Couldn’t hurt :wink:

ETA: That first one’s not quite right. You may be a back-up for a more attractive girl, but more likely you’re a back-up for a girl who he thinks is more likely to put out right now. Whore it up a bit!

475

Thank you for this. This is one of the best explanations I’ve seen on this topic.

476

Again, I’m an old married fart, but I don’t believe guys have changed that much since I was single 30 years ago. You may, or may not, be a back up plan. I can only remember one guy who consciously played games. (And yes, it worked for him. Most guys could tell he was a jerk right off, but the girls seemed to be clueless.) An amazing number of guys, especially guys in their teens and twenties, have a real problem coming out and being, for lack of a better word, confrontational. (Or honest.) Painful as it is to acknowledge, he just didn’t like you that much, and couldn’t tell you that.

As to why your having trouble attracting guys that attract you, it’s pretty hard to say from a message board posting. It’s even hard to know if you are having more trouble than anyone else. I can confidentially say, don’t be a raving bitch. Guys might use a bitch for her body, but they don’t want to end up with her, and will sleep with another girl when the opportunity arises. (Of course, bitches are rarely bitchy to a boyfriend they want to keep, so you might learn a trick or two on how to maintain a relationship from them: with the caveat that I’ve never seen a true bitch maintain a marriage with anyone but a milquetoast.)

477

Internet dating is a bit of a bloodsport. Have you ever heard guys complaining about how difficult it is to approach an attractive woman in real life, knowing all the while that she’s probably already been hit on a dozen times that day? Dating sites bring a bit of parity back to the equation.

However, your guy was a jerk. It’s one thing to quit taking calls after a couple of dates if you decide that you’re not interested in someone - that’s completely within the bounds of expectations. It’s another thing entirely to dodge somebody for a couple of weeks and then come crawling back when one’s primary plans fell through. That’s douchey.

Back when I used dating sites, I’d try to avoid hurt feelings by being up front about the fact that I wasn’t interested in being exclusive right off the bat - I could be going on dates with three or four women at any point in time. I’d consciously avoid latching on to any one particular date unless she gave me a reason to. If I had some tickets, and girl A didn’t work out, there were always girls B through D.

In other words, I’d do my best to avoid being smitten. Maybe you should do the same.

478

“Smitten” after the first date?

Next time you like a guy that much so quickly, try just … keeping it to yourself. I don’t know how to say it better. Enjoy the butterflies in your stomach, enjoy the nervous anticipation before the next date, but keep it internal. On the outside, keep it light and casual, at least at first.

Doing “something special” for someone you’ve just met is likely going to come across as moving too fast and coming on too strong to the person you’ve just met.

Look, he wasn’t available to answer the phone when you called about the concert. Maybe he travels for work. It’s not a crime to not answer your phone.

Then when you told him “Oh, I *coulda *gotten you backstage but it’s too late now!” it may indeed have come across as quite bitchy.

So he pulled back, gave it some time, and a couple of weeks later he was still thinking about you, so he gives you a call … only to hear you “tell him off” (your words). I don’t think he earned that at all, and in fact, you may have blown off someone who was genuinely interested in you.

479

Most of your advice is reasonable, but not these two. Who is too busy for days to call someone they are interested in? Only someone who is with someone else almost constantly, i.e., in a relationship and looking to play around. If the guy was going to travel to a time zone he can’t even text from, and wanted to hear from her, he’d have mentioned it. I think this guy was either in a relationship, or not interested.

480

There’s a middle ground for possibilities. The guy could be casually seeing other girls, going to concerts with them, etc.

The fact that he went on a date with the OP does not preclude him from going on dates with other girls. Never assume exclusivity! (At least, not until you’ve actually, y’know, *talked *about not seeing other people.)