Band name!
DD
With regards to those who say that even when a couple is having good sex, there’s still “room for improvement” in terms of creativity and willingness for each of the lovers wanting to learn even more to please the other – I have some comments and questions. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am way more than satisfied with the way the man I’m with. I forgot to mention, however, that when we’re in bed, not only do I NOT just lie there on my back with my legs apart (I like position changes and experiments too), but when it comes to the touching (both hands and mouth), not only do I like to give as much as I like to get but I also ask him if he likes what I’m doing and also for info on how he likes what I do to him best. This so you know that there IS a woman out here who cares just as much that her partner enjoys himself as much as she wants to enjoy herself.
On that attitude of “selfish” women who think they’re “entitled” to sexual satisfaction from their men – I’m not an altruist – this is called enlightened self-interest: if I love someone and enjoy him in bed, why WOULDN’T I want to make sure he has a damn good time and gets off too? Isn’t that the way to entice him back and give me even more? I’d think this is something that would feed off itself: I love the pleasure he gives me, so I want him to have it too. Luckily it works this way in my relationship, and I want to keep it that way.
Anyway, that in mind, here are the Big Questions. When it comes to “regular” (I hesitate to say “normal”) sexual activities like manual and/or oral foreplay, and intercourse in whatever positions, both of us are happy with what the other is doing and how (though we still often “make inquiries” of one another just to be sure and also to refine techniques). However, there are a couple of things he wants to do. One just doesn’t “inspire” me; the other has ALWAYS been on my “no way!” list of things to do. Part of me wants to try because I know how much HE wants to and like I said, pleasing him is absolutely on my agenda. So I’m split down the middle here between wanting to make him happy but trying to figure out my own boundaries here too; I don’t know how to draw a line between making him happy but doing things I consider unnecessary or repugnant to achieve this goal. Other than these two things, not only have I been totally open to and enthusiastic about suggestions, but with him I’m a nympho who can’t say no (to the aforementioned activities we’ve already been doing).
Number One on his “let’s try” list is “toys.” For me, not for him. This is (my view) the lesser of the two “evils;” I’m not scared, grossed out or otherwise totally turned off by “toys,” but I can’t see how it’s necessary to use devices when his own biological equipment (and skill in using it) is more than plenty to get me hot and bothered and satisfy me as well. Is this a “guy thing” in general or do you think it has to do with his personal fascination for mechanisms? (He’s not only a mechanical design engineer, but he’s also the kind who takes things apart, learns how they work, does his own car, house, electronic and electrical repairs successfully, etc.).
When he originally mentioned the idea of “toys,” while I didn’t rule it out entirely I was lukewarm at best and told him why I considered them superfluous in light of how great in bed I think he is without them. He says that if I’m having a good time now, the “toys” will make it even better. I find this awfully hard to imagine. Anyway, while this idea doesn’t scare the crap out of me or otherwise make me ill to contemplate it (haven’t ruled it out but haven’t said yes at this point either), I’m not really thrilled about it. What would (or did) you do in my place here?
Number Two (pun intended) – to use another driving metaphor (LOL on the “road trip to Ohio” means of description) and to put it as politely as possible: entry through the exit ramp. Now this DOES seriously bother me. I’ve never done this, swore I never would, and was grateful in the past that none of my lovers ever expressed any interest in doing this. However, my present lover has not only done it before many times, but he really enjoys it. When the subject came up shortly after we started sleeping together (we were talking about what kinds of things we liked to do in bed that we hadn’t done yet), he mentioned THAT, and in response to my initial reaction of “Please tell me you’re kidding…” he said, “Well, if it doesn’t turn you on, then forget it. But if you ever change your mind, all you have to do is let me know.” Note: the grounds of my objections to this are, in order, an extreme fear of pain and considering it highly unsanitary – I know, we could wash up before and after so this is why I rank “unsanitary” as second objection. Yes, I told him this, right after the “tell me you’re kidding” line. He countered my objections, but I was still more than just a little reluctant, personally, and we haven’t talked about it since (nor has he asked me to try it).
The reason why I’m considering it now is because having spent more time with him by now, I think this guy might very well turn out to be the love of my life for the rest of time. If he likes “that” as much as he said he did, well, I’m wondering what’s worse; the idea of denying him something that brings him lots of pleasure, or the idea of doing something that really scares/repulses me to even think about. Am I uncaring or inconsiderate of his sexual happiness, or a “lousy lay” for not wanting to do this one thing? Other than this, I am, and am happy to be his total “love slave” who never says no and who does practically everything ELSE (now that I think of it, I probably WILL say yes if he mentions the “toys” again since it’ll make him happy yet it doesn’t scare me). So – if you were in this position, what would (did) you do?
Yersinia, i can understand your feelings completely.
on the “toys” issue, it’s possible your SO has a couple things in mind that make this an item of interest. since you mention he’s a “mechanics” man in general, i certainly wouldn’t discount that appeal as one factor. another issue might be physical – on his side. as i understand the male physiology, after extended use, side effects such as sensitivity to additional friction or lengthening periods between erections may affect the penis (and consequently his enjoyment/participation in additional frolicking). perhaps he’s thinking of adding the “stand-ins” as a form of the famous Seventh Inning Stretch … he needs a little break before getting back into the game, but doesn’t want to call the proceedings for lack of equipment. so maybe he figures he can help keep your motor revvin’ by subbing with the toys, until such time as he’s ready to come out swinging again. may the shade of Babe Ruth forgive me.
on your second issue … that’s a toughie. i can understand both your wanting to make your guy happy and your own “ICK!!!” factor. all i can advise is that even the most loving relationship has boundaries to it. if something really, truly disgusts, frightens or repels you, you are completely within your rights to say “Nuh-uh, ain’t gonna, don’t wanna.”
however, if you absolutely feel you must compell yourself to try this, just to make him happy, then you should certainly set up boundaries that are completely clear before taking on the experiment. (“Now, dear, you understand that this is something I’m willing to try only because you say you enjoy it so much. I’m expecting you to try and be as understanding as possible if I simply can’t go through with it, or don’t find it as appealing.”) and if you actually make that move, and find you don’t really enjoy it enough to do a repeat, then SAY SO (in completely unambiguous terms).
being sexually adventurous and willing is not the same as feeling you “have to” try out every position or practice, particularly if it’s something you have very strong feelings against doing.
Another theory on the “toys” thing… this comes from the guy I’m currently dating, so it is at least a male perspective, if not necessarily representative of all males. He says it’s the voyeuristic thing - he enjoys warming up the car and does plenty of it, but it’s also a huge turn-on for him to just watch me take the trip to Ohio (LOL HBby) by myself. Not that I’ve complied yet, but that’s the reason he gives me for wanting to.
As for your second concern, Yersinia, that’s a decision you’ll have to make for yourself, but if you do it, absolutely make sure he agrees that if you don’t like it, he’ll stop and never ask you again. I know a girl who sells “toys” for a living, so this is advice she gives during her demonstrations and you can take it from there… First, there are “toys” made for this particular activity which tend to be on the smaller side, so you could maybe try it that way first and see how much it really bothers you without risking as much pain. However, you really DON’T want to use the desensitizing lube, because if it does hurt you want to know it and be able to stop right away - you could do some real damage otherwise. And, whether you ever do decide to try it or not, you can always be thankful that he talked about it first instead of surprising you!
Coming from the conspirary left field, mayhaps he intends to use the toys to get you to be comfortable and relaxed and possibly use a smaller toy to initiate you into the joys of number 2 …in reverse. Your expressed fear of pain might have just inspired him to find a solution. Prepping with a small toy may get you to relax …uh there so that the real attempt wont even be painful. How pleasant or pleasurable it turns out to be is up to you.
If you do decide to do the deed for your love for him, make it a special birthday present. Get into it totally and really experiment with an open mind. If there is any doubt, dont do it. I had this kind of situation with my wife. We’ve tried it a couple of times and that was all she could take of it. While I long to have a great experience with her, I would not hold it against her if she doesnt find it fun or stimulating. I have since relegated it to my fantasy folder…along with pretty much everything else.
Sounds like what women were saying 50 years ago. 
In the past, there has been an attitude that sex was for men to enjoy and women to endure. Modern women have decided that sex is something they can enjoy too, and things may’ve just swung a little too far in that direction, from one extreme to the other. As is normal in any situation where an inequity is reversed, it frequently does go too far to the other side before settling somewhere in the middle.
FTR, I DO pay attention to my guy’s pleasure . . . if he isn’t happy, I’m not either. Thankfully, he returns the favour. 
Hmmm, well yes, I’m very well aware of the fact that a man needs time to “recover” after he has an orgasm, whereas I as a woman can (and usually do, hee hee) keep going with one orgasm after the other, when he has his orgasm, he has to wait awhile to even be able to get another erection. But by the time he has his, between the foreplay and the actual intercourse, I’ve already “gotten mine” more than once, so I’m VERY satisfied, and when he gets his, he lets me know in no uncertain terms how much he enjoyed it. But (for us, anyway), one such “session” is enough to make us happy for the next few hours or overnight, depending on when it occurs. Namely, if we do it in the morning, the afternoon (if we have time) or night when we go to bed is fine, and only once has there been a time when we did it before bed but woke up in the middle of the night to do it again, hee hee. And if we did it in the morning, wanted to but didn’t have the time in the afternoon, we’re that much MORE revved up for nighttime. (Oh yeah, please note that with this “afternoon stuff,” I’m talking about weekends).
Anyway, since it’s been several days since you posted this reply (thank you, lachesis and I’m sorry I’ve been too busy to acknowledge your post sooner), I also found the time to ask him exactly why he wants us to play with the “toys.” We’re both right on the first point: his general fascination for mechanisms IS a major component of it, but as you suggested, he also thinks I’d have more orgasms than he can give me using his own equipment. In any case, at this point I’m willing to try it, even though I’m happy with how many orgasms I have.
(1) Well, I always knew that I have the RIGHT to say no to any sexual activity which exceeds my “ICK!!! factor” (cute term!), no matter how much I love the man who wishes I’d say yes. The question of my right to accept or decline wasn’t and isn’t an issue, it’s merely that I was wondering if that if I choose to keep declining on this one act, could it be equated with inconsideration of my lover’s sexual happiness, which is something I consider very important. Especially since he’s willing to try things I enjoyed in the past but he hadn’t done (before me, shared showers in which getting washed was merely a side effect, hee hee, was something he’d never tried, for instance). That he’s willing to try what I like (or think would be fun; we have a list of things to try as soon as opportunity makes it possible) shows me that my sexual enjoyment is important to him, and I want to continue to show him that this is definitely reciprocal.
(2) While I’m ready to try playing with “toys” because he wants to, I’m still not ready to actually commit to that other experiment. But thank you ever so much for telling me how to approach it should I get brave enough. That was another of my fears of trying it, as in what to do if we’re starting to and I find it so unpleasant I don’t want to go through with it after all? (I mean, if somehow I turn out to LIKE it, then this wouldn’t be a problem). Thanks for your suggestion of how to deal with this possibility and the words to say so. And don’t worry – ambiguity is not a problem with either of us.
(3) Yes, that’s another problem I had, feeling that my reluctance to try this means I’m not sexually adventurous, which is also sort of a blow to my feminine ego. I’m not the kind who thinks that sex is appropriate only when done in a bed, at night and in one or two positions. I love to vary times of day, positions and locations (not just IN the house, either), light and dark, you name it. So I thought I WAS pretty adventurous until this, er, came up. You see, I know that while I hesitate to do it, there are plenty of “normal heterosexual couples” who enjoy it; it’s not like he told me he used to, say, get off on watching his past girlfriend have sex with a pit bull, and gee, it would really turn him on if I would do this too. Y’know? Well, thanks for the reassurance that if it turns out I still won’t try this, or if I do and don’t like it enough to want to do it again, it doesn’t make me a prude.
Wolfgrrl, thank you for your comments also. If I might mention it, I’ve had two lovers who enjoyed watching me “drive myself to Ohio” – one in the past, and the one I’m with now. Curiously, there any reason why you “haven’t complied” with your lover’s request that you “drive yourself to Ohio” in his presence? Here are my experiences with this:
With the past boyfriend, he didn’t suggest “toys,” he just wanted to watch me “on my own.” Admittedly, I felt a little inhibited at first. I was no stranger to the act itself but this was the first request I’d gotten to give a “show” of this kind, and I’d always felt that this was the sort of thing to be done in complete solitude. That, and “What do I need to do THIS for when I’m in bed with a real, live MAN?” He said that he considered it one of the sexiest things in existence, to watch a woman doing this, so I did it. Seeing his reaction (he got so hot he had to, um, take himself in hand) turned me on incredibly, and the original inhibition to this ended then and there.
With my current boyfriend, while I’ll say yes the next time he asks us to try “toys,” he also said that watching a woman “drive herself to Ohio” (even without “toys”) was a big turn-on for him. Since this was by now familiar to me, I accommodated him. Since he got more than plenty turned on watching me “do what I had to do” before I met him – I hadn’t had a relationship in three years at the time we started seeing each other, so darn right I was making plenty of “road trips to Ohio” by myself! – I’ve continued to indulge him in this. In fact, on long drives (literally speaking now; we often have to drive on interstates), when it’s dark enough to do it, I like to tease him by lifting my skirt (or undoing my jeans) and, well, you get the idea. It gets him REALLY revved up by the time we reach our destination; he usually has to unzip his own jeans to, er, relieve the pressure.
Thanks for your advice on that other business too. As I told lachesis in my other post, this is very helpful. I think I’m going to combine both your suggestions if I get brave enough.
Thank you also, X-Slayer. But the “toys” he was suggesting were…uh…never mind, that’s probably TMI even for this discussion. Let’s just suffice it to say that the “toys” he suggested and how we use them had nothing to do with “the joys of #2.” Which is also why, while I didn’t share his enthusiasm, at least I wasn’t horrified by the suggestion, and why I’ll try them (yes, with an open mind) now – as compared to being in the “still only thinking about it” stage concerning “#2.”
However, the fact that I’m even THINKING about possibly trying “#2” is quite a breakthrough (for me). Hmmmm, interesting. His birthday is a month away, so I’ll continue to contemplate it. If I get up enough nerve by then, I’ll proceed to implement the suggestions of lachesis and Wolfgrrl for his birthday. If not, I suppose there’s always another time.
Thank you for the laugh of the day. The imagery is exquisite.