“my kids always come first”
There’s a better way of phrasing this instead of saying: If things work out and we click that’s great but you should know you will be part of my secondary life at my convenience.
Go ride a dragon Daenerys.
+1 to this.
The last sentence of that article is interesting:
Dropping the conversation down to the brains-in-the-knuckles Evo-Psych level: women are resistant to marrying down because they desire a provider for their offspring. He has to not only provide, but provide at a level that she perceives to be adequate to the level to which she’s become accustomed: earing 150% of whatever she makes, spending - one day's of *her* pay on dates, = one month of her pay on getaways every 3-day weekend, $ = 3 months her pay on the engagement ring, etc.
But what if cultural developments alter all this evolutionary conditioning: Women grow comfortable with the fact that they have relatively secure earning power (and in fact weather recessions better than men), American society eventually values their contributions enough to adopt counterbalances to natural handicaps in the form of maternity leave, tax-credits for daycare; medical science enables them to conceive in their 50’s after their career trajectories level off, etc.
The only problem is one of intellectual propinquity: what is an insurance executive going to talk about with her plumber husband (whom she chose because he has a higher sperm count than a stressed-out male insurance executive)?
Dancing With the Stars and the Kardashians, of course.
Well, presumably they each have interests beyond their respective jobs
This is “weigh better” (pun intended) than the currently overweight people who ONLY show the slim pictures of their youth!!!
I don’t think the analysis really requires some sort of evolutionary psychology: people tend, on average, to marry people of roughly similar social background, for a whole host of reasons. That goes for men as well as women.
Sure, sometimes wealthy older men marry “trophy wives”, but this is hardly the norm.
Well here’s a really simple reason why a “successful” person (who - and this is the point) works 80+ hours a week may want someone who doesn’t do the same.
TIME.
If you’re trying to eek out a few hours to get some Human Contact, do you really want to try to arrange a date with someone with an equally busy schedule? Or would a person with more free time who could be flexible in being with you be better?
That’s more or less what I was going to come post; a lot of people seem to conceive of online dating as some kind of comparison of laundry lists- “Hey- on our lists of 12 and 17 things respectively, we have 9 in common! We should go out!”, or some sort of mechanism by which their perfect partner will magically appear.
Then, when that person never shows, or they have a parade of people willing to ignore their profiles and inquire anyway, they get really bitter about the whole thing.
Better to approach it much like you would “live” dating- make your profile attractive without lying, but don’t make it a laundry list of “must haves” and “can’t haves”, and most importantly don’t make it about what YOU want. Nobody ever caught a fish by putting a note saying “Want 5 lb fish with great flavor” on the end of the hook; they catch them by putting things that are enticing to the fish there.
So to be successful, your profile has to be, in a certain sense, a kind of bait to the intended potential dating partners, and is essentially an exercise in self-marketing. Many (most?) people don’t get that, and instead make their profiles rather self-centered and then wonder why nobody wants anything to do with them.
My favorite online dating profiles were the one’s that were looking for contradictory traits or people who didn’t live up to the standards they expected from others.
I’ve seen women looking for guys who are:
“Open minded and only my branch of Protestant”
“Not judgmental and over 5’7"”
“Honest and willing to admit that he’s wrong even though we both know he’s not”
You would think that, wouldn’t you.
Anecdotally and statistically, it doesn’t seem to work that way: “class endogamy” is the relevant term here.
https://www.umanitoba.ca/faculties/arts/anthropology/tutor/marriage/class_endogamy.html
While educational level isn’t the same as ‘working in a high stress professional job’, the two often go together. Anecdotally, I see this all the time: I work in a large law firm, and many if not most of the professionals who work there are married - to other professionals in high-stress professions (often other lawyers, but also docs, dentists, etc.).
Why, when it would make “more sense” in many ways to marry outside of one’s busy professional caste? I think for the simple reason that this is who you meet and sympathize with: you meet people in university, in professional training, or on the job in various ways; more fundamentally, these are the people who, broadly, are ‘like you’ and understand the sort of life you lead - the good parts and the bad. So even if you meet ‘on line’, you are more likely to ‘click’ with them.
I once put an online ad where I was vague about my life, didn’t list my occupation or education level, and didn’t even have a picture posted (nor did I describe myself in any terms other than you could tell I wasn’t way overweight or butt ugly).
My listed hobbies and interests were also vague, like “like outdoor stuff” and “interested in science and science fiction”.
I did include a section where if you read carefully and did some thinking you could figure out my real email address.
I think I got more responses to that ad (to my actual email address) than any other ad I ever placed.
How this ad was better than my more detailed ads I have no idea, because to me everything I could have listed was probably more a positive than a negative.
Go figure.
PS. I also said I was actually crazy. Not hah hah crazy, like I need meds crazy.
I inferred from the bonded bit that you were saying plumbers are stupid. Hopefully I inferred wrong. Being a plumber doesn’t make you stupid.
Do you want to believe that I meant that plumbers are stupid? Would you be grateful to me and society at large if I confirmed that, so you could exhault in indignation?
I work in manufacturing, and I do notice the ignorant distain people in the service sector have for us, even though people in manufacturing have a brain mass of technology, economics, labor and work comp law to command. Repeating a pet concern of mine the other day, I said “Carthago delenda est!” in a meeting, and it got a laugh. There are some smart people.
But besides a few women who come in as IT contractors, we don’t see a lot of women here. Most of my coworkers marry women they’ve met in bars.
On some of the mobile apps, like Jack’d, Grindr, etc., I’ve noticed that people will make a habit of having their sole photo be a close-up of their (clothed) torso. No face pic or anything like that.
Ok, you own a shirt. You’re obviously proud of it, but how is that going to let me know anything about you or your appearance?
Damn, if I had known that maybe I would have finished high school.
Of course I always say “I skipped the last two years of high school” which makes it sound a lot better.
Maybe they deduced you were married?
No, that’s why I said, “I hope I inferred wrong.” I meant: I hope that’s NOT what you meant.
Anyway, I’m glad to be wrong, I didn’t mean to make a “thing” about it: it’s just that that kind of thinking (people in certain jobs must be dumb, or below me) hits a nerve. Probably should have kept my trap shut, but I didn’t.
Hey, if you keep being civil and polite like that, we can expect this site to still be here in another 15 years or even longer
(Screwing up us oldsters’ plans to make a Viking funeral of it on our deathbeds) 