Reborn as Bruce by Bruce (a tale of two Bruce's)

Today Scylla died.
(pause here for my ghostly laughter)

I have had a lot of shit go on in the last six weeks, more than in the last fifteen years.

I’ve realized that I’ve been hanging on to some decaying corpses for a long time and pretending that they still live. I guess we can call this thing a midlife crisis, but the motherfucker was fucking precipated by events.

So, yesterday I went out and bought the Essential Bruce Springsteen. I grew up a Jersey Boy, and all through my life the soundtrack (whether I’ve willed it or not) has been Bruce. It’s been about fifteen years since I’ve revisited this soundtrack of my life, and last night I listened and drank beer and meditated (that is to say I drank beer and got maudlin listening to Bruce, but “meditation” sounds so much more significant.) The thing I like about Bruce is that he lays it all down and tells you what it all means.

So, I awoke and felt I needed a change. A superficial one perhaps, but one that nonetheless would symbolize my inner rebirth and abondonment of the detritus of the past.

I looked in the mirror.

I’m going bald. I’ve known this for sometime, but it’s one of those things that creeps up (or in this case back) on you. I looked at the tuft of hair on the front, and the “flock of seagulls” action I have going on to deemphasize the bald spot.

One of the things I’ve been holding onto is the corpse of my hair.

“Fuck it,” I said and grabbed the clippers.

“Do I really want to do this?” I asked the face in the mirror. It appeared he had misgivings, too.

So I did it. I started at the sides so I actually a rakish mohawk for a minute or too. Meanwhile, the kids and the wife are wondering what’s taking so long and are banging on the bathroom door.

When I’m done with the clippers I grab the razor, then I shower.

I open the door to the three women in my life.
“AHHHHHHHH!” says my wife

“AHHHHHHHH!” Says number one daughter.

“Hi!” says number two daughter (this is the only word she knows, but if you can only have one it’s a pretty good choice.)

“Daddy’s bald,” says number one daughter.

“That took some guts,” says my wife. “Maybe not a lot of sense, but I will give you guts.”

I am a fucking cue ball, and they all laughed over the death of my hair.
Today though, at Lowes, God gave me a boon, and I swear this is true.

I’m in the checkout line, and there’s this attractive young lady ringing up the customers. She does a double take and then gives me a huge smile.

“Oh my God! For a second there I thought you were Bruce Willis. You look just like him!”

Then my neighbor saw me. “Hey, it’s Bruce Willis!” he said.

So I looked in the mirror again. I really do look just like Bruce Willis except younger. HAH!


I practiced some steely-eyed squints, and goddamn if I didn’t look tough as shit.

Ironic isn’t it? By listening to one Bruce I became reborn as another Bruce!

“Hey honey,” I called. “You ever kiss a bald guy?”

I will be sure and fill you in on more details of my rebirth as they occur. I’m still working it out, but so far I’ve decided to renounce being a Republican, I’ve determined to sign up for Bullride Mania, I’m going to do the 100 mile Western States race, and the Iron man triathlon withing the next five years (JFK 50 miler this fall,) and take 4 vacations a year instead of the one I’ve been taking. I’m going to be a more open husband, a better father.
And I’m going to give up having sex with livestock.

Pictures, please?

Yeah, I was wondering about that myself Nightwatch Trailer. Seems the board has become a strange place whilst I was at work.

Beyond that, enjoy the shaved head Scylla. Just be careful putting on a shirt. If there is a little bit if stubble, your head will practically velcro itself to the inside of it. I’ve given myself whiplash getting dressed in the morning.

Ha ha, very funny.

I meant pictures of the newly shaved pate, of course.

Boy, do you guys have your minds in the gutter. :stuck_out_tongue:

Us? You’re the one asking for pictures of Bruce Willis with livestock. Don’t start projecting your depravity. Bad enough you’re polluting our pure innocent minds.

Hey, Bruce since you’re going to sign up for Bullride Mania - can you give us the straight dope on the strap that goes around the bull’s tummy. How does it “enhance the bull’s natural bucking”? If it’s not tight, why do they care if it’s there or not?

I am glad whatever weighty crap that set you off has been resolved and that you have been able to shake the Republican Wizard of Oz monkey off your back.

I didn’t say I knew anything about riding bulls, I just said I was going to do it, so I had no idea there’s a strap around the bull’s stomach. Maybe they tie it to the bull’s testicles. That would piss me off.

Mach3 is your friend. Edge gel, too. :smiley:

Welcome to the shaved pate and loving it club.

I just did this today, so I haven’t any. If I did, I don’t have a web page to post them.

If I did, I would look like this:

I could use all the tips I can get.

Shave after showering. Use Edge gel. I find the orange top to be the best (sensitive skin). Use a Mach3. I have no problem with ingrown hairs, so I always go against the grain. It gives me a baby-smooth pate all day. Finish with Nivea face cream.

Always wear a hat outside. You are now a skin cancer magnet. Nivea is a good general protector, but if you are going to be outside, wear sunblock.

Get a good pair of very dark sunglasses, and practice your sneer. No-one will cut you off on the freeway ever again! :smiley:

Sounds good.

Always wear a hat outside. You are now a skin cancer magnet. Nivea is a good general protector, but if you are going to be outside, wear sunblock.

I hate hats. Can’t I just get tan?

You can, but you have to look ridiculous with a headful of suntan lotion first. But when you are tan, you will look totally bitchen.

Enough with the hair or lack thereof, I want to hear about the giving up being a Republican.

He already said he was giving up sex with livestock! :smiley:

Bruce. Scylla. Bruce; Scylla. Bruce; Scylla. BruceScylla. **Brucescylla.


I took the same step just a few years ago. Best hair-care decision of my life.

Sure you can just get tan. Then you can get blotchy, and then you can get bits of your skin surgically removed.

Wear a hat.

[/balding guy from a long line of bald guys]

For the permanent record, I would like to point relate the following events:

Came home and jogged. Showered. Took wife and children to Dunkin Donuts/Baskin Robbins for ice cream. Upon walking up to the counter, one of the two young things waiting on our order exclaimed:

“Oh my God, has anybody ever told you you look just like Bruce Willis?”

“Ha! I AM Bruce Willis.”

“Take off your glasses, let us see.”

I take off my glasses and squint ruggedly.

“OH MY GAAAWD!” They exclaim.
I look at my wife who’s rolling her eyes and she manages to convey “You are a total tool. I can’t beleive they are encouraging you in this. I hope you are satisfied, and even though you are a total moron, I still love you,” all into a single glance.

You see my wife doesn’t think I look like Bruce Willis. She thinks I look like a bald version of her husband.

But now she knows the truth.


Parkway #36 here, and I can attest to the power of Bruce. I might need to get a fistful of longnecks and Darkness on the Edge of Town now.