Wyatt: That’s worth damning to Etiquette Hell. I know of NO valid reason to “request gifts back” just because one of the recipients has since died. That’s very disrespectful to the deceased, insensitive to the next of kin, and possibly an infringement on the estate.
And throwing a hissy fit to reclaim a gift given three years previously is bad etiquette independent of the wedding and death. If an adult throws that kind of a hissy fit, they need their diaper changed.
In short: Gifts given without strings attached are the sole property of the recipient, and there is no obligation to return the gifts just because the giver has changed their mind. Gifts given with strings attached are usually better declined.
Oh, geez, yes, if the marriage ends in divorce in 5 months, yes, but damn, it was DEATH! How about a little compassion and caring, for God’s sake! Ettiquette hell, yes, the deepest circle.
They requested their gifts back because the hapless groom DIED??? Oh yes, that goes directly to etiquette hell.
As for the “reception and shower” I’m wondering if it’s one of those deals where they have a simple gathering after the ceremony (and serve punch and cookies) and then everyone watches the bride and groom open up the gifts they’ve received…
You know, I don’t even think it’s appropriate to demand your gifts back if the couple divorces in five months–or two weeks, for that matter. If the gifts are unused and still have the original packaging, returning them to the giver would probably be the most tactful course, but it’s not required. A gift freely given is the recipient’s forever, under any circumstances, and it is rude, crude, vulgar, tacky, and disgusting to demand it back.
That said, there are some few gifts I’ve received from my family that I think ought to go back to them in the event I die. Specifically, the pictures my mother has done for me over the years (although that’s up to her and DrJ to work out among themselves, really) and my great-grandmother’s music box (that one’s non-negotiable, not that he’d want it anyway). The difference, of course, is that these things were gifts to me, not gifts to us. Besides, I think it’s entirely reasonable to make exceptions for artwork one slaved over for months and family heirlooms. Not that my mother would ask for the pictures, much less throw a hissy fit over them. She’s far too polite for that.
Auntie Em, for some reason I was thinking you’d been staying with your mom for a couple months right before you and Skip got hitched, or maybe right after when you two were living in different cities. Hmmm, don’t know where I came up with that one.
You know, I think this might have a place in EH under the Tacky Invitations section. Or maybe the Just Plain Tacky part, depending on how it turns out. It doesn’t hold a candle to Wyatt’s story, but then again, very little short of raping kittens with inkpens would.
Well, CCL, I do spend every Friday night with my mom, eating horribly fatty, artery-clogging food and watching three solid hours of television–then I sleep over and make us an equally diet-damning breakfast in the morning. It’s a tradition that started after I moved out, and has continued through the Great Skip Coaster.
And perhaps you’re confused because Skip and I still live in two different cities (about an hour and a half apart by car), and I’m still looking for a job where he lives. I’m also about to put my house on the market, so I may have mentioned in a thread somewhere that if I sell my house before I find a job in SkipVille, I will be moving in with my mother (because hell if I’m going to commute) . . . ?
At any rate, I feel certain that the soon-to-be-newlyweds are not confused. They know that my mother lives alone. I figure they added “and family” because they felt obligated to invite me and my local sister, but probably couldn’t care less if we show up.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to Etiquette Hell . . . I doubt if I’ll post this story, but damn, I’m having a good time reading the ones that are already there! Plus I expect to see Wyatt’s horrid tale there any day now . . .
Oh, please submit it to Etiquette Hell, auntie em. Even if you DO have to read through everything first. I’ve actually submitted two stories to them – one under Coworkers from Hell, another under Guests from Hell (that hasn’t been put up on the website yet, I just submitted it a couple weeks ago) – and had even forgotten I’d submitted the coworker story till I started reading it and thought, “Darn, that looks familiar – oh, duh hey!” But if you read through it all now, then you’ll be good for the six months or so till the next update. Although, of course, if you wait another six months, some of the archived stuff seems new again…
But back to the OP. Am I the only one who was picturing that invitation as for a wedding shower, not necessarily a baby shower? Maybe the family has so many out-of-town members who can only make it for the one day that they tackily decided to combine it into one event. Which doesn’t lessen the tackiness, of course. In any case, you MUST take notes and report back to us. Even if you’re only tacked on out of obligation, there’s no reason you can’t show up so we can all hear the good stuff later.
Wyatt, I hope you’re already writing that one up. Tacky, tacky, tacky. Okay, I will admit I asked my mom if she would put in her will that after she goes, I get a cross-stitch I did for her back – but she understands why (it took me a year of hard work to do!) and isn’t offended. She’s also put in her will that I get her stapler. The only two things I’ve requested from her. (Hey, it’s a GREAT stapler!)
Sadly, though, it’s not something I just pulled out of the air. If I’d been working that night, you could have read all about it in the Pit, I’m sure.
Auntie Em, that’s it. I vaguely remembered that discussion and somehow extrapolated that into you living with your mom post-wedding. That’s excusable on a huge messageboard, but hardly when one personally knows you and your mom, and lives right there in town with you. Tacky, tacky, tacky, I’m afraid. Oh, wait, we already knew that.
Mama, I get the feeling that it’s probably a wedding shower, too. Bridal or baby, mentioning a shower on the invites is inappropriate, for the reasons I’ve outlined before.
Hey, MamaTiger, aren’t you the one who posted the story about that kid who grabbed your husband’s sausage at a buffet (hmmm, that didn’t come out quite like I’d planned) . . . ? Why don’t I see THAT story in Etiquette Hell?
CCL, I couldn’t agree more. Frankly, my mom is a little wary herself, but has not yet confirmed with the bride’s grandma what the whole “and shower” bit means in terms of what she, as a guest, should be doing.
Why would this be double the gifts? I think it would be HALF. When I’ve gone to wedding showers before the wedding, I’ve ended up buying a shower gift, and then, for the wedding, a wedding gift. That’s two gifts.
If the shower is part of the reception, that’s just one gift.
This does seem weird to me. Then again, I’m not going to pretend to know every wedding convention or practice.
I gotta say that some responses in this thread make me sad. Why do people love to jump all over weddings? It’s probably the one time in their lives that these people will spend so much money (misguided or not) on a social event. Yet it brings out the most critical in those of us who are asked to come enjoy the day.
As for the snarky-ass “lap dance” comment re: dollar dances, that’s a real crappy way to comment on an ethnic tradition.
You make a good point, Cranky–weddings do get a bad rap–but to be fair, it kinda does make you snarky when you’re confronted with an invitation that leaves you confused about what you’re supposed to do.
My guess (and my mom’s) is that the “and shower” part is supposed to be conveying something to the invited guests in terms of what’s expected of them . . .
But if it’s not the way we do things, it’s gotta be tacky, right?
Somehow, I managed to miss that one. Laura, you do realize that you’re insulting someone’s culture and heritage, don’t you? That it’s a part of wedding traditions from most Mediterranean and Slavic countries? If you don’t like, fine, say you don’t like it and leave it at that. Implying that people who have a dollar dance are selling themselves in less savory ways is, well, tacky.
Unless it’s cultural appropriation-as-fundraising, in the guise of doing something “traditional.” If that’s your culture, fine. If it’s not and you think that’s a cool way to raise cash from your guests, you’re tacky.
Yes, WHY someone is doing a “dollar dance” is key. To be completely honest about the whole thing, we did a dollar dance at my wedding because my family raised unholy hell when we said we didn’t want to. We paid for our wedding ourselves, and needed the cash, but we weren’t about to whore ourselves out for it (and we hate it when other people do).
But my family insisted that we HAD to do a dollar dance. HAD TO. “It’s traditional!” was the general battle cry against us. (So is making older unmarried aunts dance in a pig trough, and also kidnapping the bride and/or groom, but we did NOT do either of those.) We tried to split the difference by doing just a “dance-with-the-bride-and-or-groom” thing - NO MONEY REQUIRED OR REQUESTED, just a photo op - but after three of my aunts shoved money in my husband’s back pocket (and after a drunk cousin tried to shove money in his UNDERPANTS), we decided to just set up a jar. Easier that way. Didn’t want our fancy clothes ruined, or a fistfight in the wedding cake.
Admittedly, though, my family is a Jerry Springer show just waiting to happen. So I may NOT be the best person to ask about “proper” wedding etiquette. Still, I think a combination reception-and-shower invitation is plain LOW RENT. Like DQ. (Sorry, inside joke …)
I agree; the majority of weddings that I’ve attended–and which also have the dollar disco–I’m betting that you won’t find either side of the families knowing that this is a tradition of any culture other than an American one. To most, I’ve found, it’s just something else to do at the reception–kinda like the damnable chicken dance and the Flying Dutchman.
And rockle, I see on preview that you brought up your wedding, low-rent, and DQ. I think you have it wrong again. Verily, I say, due to the culturally insensitive dollar dance foisted upon you, yours was probably a Baskin Robbins’ night of nuptials.
I wanna be invited to this shindig!! This dessert selection would totally ROCK!! C’mon, please? I do a wicked chicken dance - my grandmother IS Polish and I learned from her!!
Well, rockle, it’s a damn shame we’re so far away from Sillydelphia (though I lived there for about a year, five years ago). Still, if you’re willing to make the trip, there’s enough Pink Bubblegum in it for ya to make you puke.
