My boss, who I also consider a friend, had his daughter die in a car accident over the Memorial Day weekend here in San Diego. As it turns out, I have a friend who does funeral services and handles burial plots at the Mission San Luis Rey cemetery, which is a very nice facility not far from where my boss lives. The plots are probably a tad bit more expensive than a generic cemetery, but I think the facilities reflect that, and the Mission itself is a beautiful and significant historical landmark.
I mentioned to my wife that I was going to recommend my friend’s services to my boss for his deceased daughter, to which she commented that she thought that was incredibly tacky and in poor taste. Presumably this is because she thinks I am doing this to “give a sales lead” to a friend on behalf of another person’s grief. I have honestly never been in this circumstance before, and simply felt that this friend would really go out of his way to help my boss out in a difficult time. And yes, I suppose it helps my friend out as well, but I really don’t gain anything from that. It’s not like I’m getting a kickback or something. Honestly, I thought I was doing a good thing here.
I don’t know - it would be a tough thing to bring up in a tactful way, but I suspect it’s probably moot by now anyways. It’s Wednesday night, so if she died on the weekend, I’d be quite surprised if the arrangements haven’t been made already.
Yes. Don’t even go there. At all. Ever.
ETA: People grieving like this aren’t likely to to be considering the best “deal” on the market. Likely, more esoteric factors are guiding their thoughts. Stay the fuck away.
If your boss honestly didn’t know of a funeral home to use or was having trouble selecting one, I don’t think it would necessarily be tacky to make a recommendation along the lines of “My friend Joe runs a funeral home and I know he would treat you very well.” If the boss didn’t bring it up, I think it would be tacky to mention it.
I think the only way to do this is if you literally hear the words “I am looking for recommendations for a funeral service” come out of your boss’s mouth.
You might, if you have the right kind of relationship with your boss (and please take this the right way, but I think your wife might have a better sense of this than you do, so check with her) ask your boss, “Please do let me know if you I could ease your burden by taking on any of the arrangements” which could prompt your boss to ask for the recommendation, or he might tell you what you could do that would be helpful, or he might say “no, thank you.”
If the lucky planner has lived in the area for more than a few months and is paying attention, they probably already have some idea of which cemetaries are where.
Then again, in that situation I’ve also asked friends & neighbors who had done this before for advice and listened to their suggestions and experiences. A touchy topic, but not unmentionable.
If you’re genuinely trying to help, ask the boss whether you can help in any way. If the subsequent conversation takes you near that topic, say your piece and leave it at that.
You could say “Please let me know when you’ve made the arrangements because I’d like to come to the funeral,” and then if the person says he hasn’t made any because he has no idea what to do, you could say you know somebody who could help. But that would be only because you want to be helpful to your boss, not helpful to your friend, who is not the one in a crisis right now.
I originally read the thread title as “Recommending funeral services to the recently dead. Tacky?”, and I was like, well, I don’t think tacky is quite the right word.
Same here with some qualification. I’m active with my Church and know more about funerals than a human should. I will sometimes, in some circumstance, approach someone “away from center” like a neighbor or fringe relative and let them know I would be willing to help or offer advice. I leave it up to them, being better able than me to size up the situation, to pass on my offer or not.
Popped into the thread to say exactly this. Don’t bring it up unless asked, but if asked, then it’s not out of line to say you know someone (and offer to make the initial phone call if the boss would like).
I’m sorry but this would be construed as tacky. The family makes these plans or may have already bought plots. A card or flowers is always appreciated.
I read … ‘funeral service for the recently dead …’ and I wondered who else would you hold a funeral service for, if not the recently um, departed?
That said, consider if your child had recently passed away via a car accident. Would you be comfortable with someone suggesting you contact his friend about buying a new car from him?
Unless the grieving father specifically asked you for suggestions, be cool, send flowers to the church / funeral home, express your condolences, attend the funeral, write a note of consolation saying something complimentary about the ‘recently deceased’. Then leave it alone.
Please, please don’t do this. I’m speaking as the daughter of a mortician – I cannot imagine trying to reccomend my father to someone whose relative just passed away.
If people have questions ABOUT funerals (pre-planning and the like), I have no problem directing them to him. Other than that – A THOUSAND TIMES NO!!!