My boyfriend and I have a wonderful friend who subscribes to several series at Carnegie Hall. Recently, he gave us tickets to a concert that he can’t attend. We’d love to go, but we have another impulse gnawing at us.
You see, we’re friends with another couple who are very serious music fans - one of them is a former opera singer. This couple’s financial circumstances have lately prevented them from going to concerts very much. Would it be acceptable to regift the tickets to them? The trouble is that we really don’t want to lie to the friend who gave the tickets to us - he’s sure to ask us what we thought of the concert - but we’d feel equally strange telling him we’d passed them on, especially since he has never met this couple.
Thank him again for the wonderful tickets, then tell him that you were unable to go and that you were able to find someone at the last minute who could, and tell him that they are great appreciators of the art, etc, etc.
Save the “last minute” part, it’s all true, too.
Tell him, and make sure you do, that circumstances lead to your giving them to a friend who was able to enjoy the opportunity.
Not knowing the donor, I’d guess if he actually subscribes to the series at Carnegie Hall, he’ll be happy that the tickets went to a good end. The only bullet for you to dodge here, Oxy, is misrepresentation. I’ve met you and I don’t think that’s the course you’ll take.
Good on you for getting that resource into appreciative hands.
I was thinking that you’d have to tell a little white lie but I don’t think you have to. I’d tell the truth to both parties.
Tell the donor that while you appreciate the tickets, you know a couple that would appreciate them more, explain why, and ask his permission. When he says yes…
Tell the recipients that you got these tickets from a friend and that you think they’d appreciate them more than you and OxyBF would. Give them the donor’s address so they can send a thank you note and perhaps a bottle of wine.
At a later date you and OxyBF can invite them all to dinner and, with common interests already known, they will meet, love each other and credit YOU for having met such wonderful, new friends. You will have successfully merged two branches of friends.
Couldn’t disagree more. Once a gift is given there is no reason to involve the giver in any decision as to how the gift is used. The recipient is free to do whatever s/he wishes with the gift. Really, the giver desn’t even have any business asking about the status of the gift at all, not even “how did you like the show?”
I would pass along the tickets and I would tell the giver that you were unable to use them but you were able to pass them along to someone who was. You don’t need to get into anything about “last minute” or anything else untrue.
In a perfect world. Things are different in Realityville.
Etiquette isn’t just about writing thank you notes, curtsying to royalty or how you address the third wife of a PhD…it’s about making people around you feel comfortable.
The ticket donor is going to want to know you enjoyed his gift, which you would traditionally convey in a thank you note/gift after the fact. In this case you should definitely err on the side of civility and clear it with the giver before you pass it on.
I think I’m also leaning toward full disclosure before regifting the tickets. I’d also want to know more about how the tickets were given – did they just arrive in the mail, for example? Or did the concert subscriber say “I can’t use these, would you and Oxyfriend be able to attend and would you care to go?”
In the first instance, I think your way is much more clear for regifting, with a casual mention of how you decided to share them with the second couple. However, if there was more of a discussion, I’m assuming that you might have expressed your enthusiasm for the performance as well as your availability. Otherwise you would have said, “oh, we’d love to, but we’re scheduled to be in Gary, Indiana that particular evening.” While I see Otto’s point that gifts are not really conditional, concert tickets are somewhat an exception because in my experience, most people check in with you to make sure you are available before giving them to you, so in essence you’re on record as expressing your enthusiasm and availability to attend. I would not find it at all odd or inappropriate if I said I was unavailable, and then the subscriber said “ah, well in that case I think there is a young person in my office who cannot usually afford such treats who might be interested, but I wanted to offer them to you first.”
I personally would approach this by raising the issue of your music-loving friends in casual conversation, where I could gauge the subscriber friend’s reaction as it happens. Depending how that goes, I might move bravely ahead with the proposal of re-offering the tickets to these folks. Another scenario might be that the subscriber offers to keep them in mind for future tickets he is unable to use.
While I agree with the posters who have stated that a gift is yours to do with as you please, I am voting for full disclosure in this instance, though you do not need to ask permission.
Sua points out an additional benefit to politely informing your subscriber friend that you have decided to pass the tickets on: as a frequent concert-goer, your friend may be acquainted with those who sit around him. By letting him know that you have given the tickets to another couple, you prevent your friend from finding this out from another subscriber.
My word, don’t great minds think alike! Thanks, everyone.
Then that’s settled: we’ll explain the situation to all sides. Delphica, you’re right, our friend called the bf to offer the tickets. It was only after bf and I confirmed our availability and our friend gave us the tickets that the bf (I really can’t take credit for this) thought of our other friends. I agreed with the idea, but we were both a bit uncomfortable on whether and how - ergo this thread.
Vix, kudos to Sua for thinking of the seat-mates, which was not something that occurred to me.
I showed the OxyBF this thread, and we decided that instead of regifting, we will host a small dinner next week to thank our friend for the tickets - and we’ll invite the other couple, too, so they meet.
