Relationship advice needed - Hook a doper up!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Hoping you Dopers might be able to offer up some good advice here…

A few years back, I dated this really cool woman that I’ve known since the first grade. (Let’s call her “Laura”).

Laura has been through hell and back with regard to her self-image. Growing up, she was very awkward and really didn’t blossom until her senior year of high school. College was a great experience for Laura - once she came out of her shell, she started dating quite a bit and had a lot of guys interested in her. At some point during college, she became somewhat of a party animal. Most of her friends were guys and she would go out several nights during the week and party like crazy.

Laura and I went out on a few dates about three years ago. I found her to be almost exactly what I’m looking for in a long-term relationship. She is really cool and I can talk to her for hours about almost anything. We had the beginnings of a great relationship - we were great friends before we mutually decided to pursue something above and beyond friendship.

Soon after we agreed that we wanted to take things to the next level, I started getting concerned with how she was handling her social life. Not that I was getting possessive or anything, but she was going out six or seven nights a week, sometimes with me, sometimes with groups of friends. Lots of binge drinking, staying out until the wee hours of the night and getting crazy.

After a few dates, I decided that Laura and I had incompatible lifestyles. As much as I like to party it up, I was working very hard and simply couldn’t keep up with her. We had a long talk, in which I basically broke things off. Below are the important points from that conversation:

  1. Laura was partying too much to pursue something serious.

  2. I thought she was simply getting things out of her system. As I mentioned above, Laura didn’t really get exposed to the party lifestyle until she got to college. I thought she was just “making up for lost time” and that she would calm down within a couple years.

  3. I still wanted to pursue a relationship with her at some point, but I just couldn’t continue doing what I was doing. I told her to call me in a few years when things sort of mellowed out.

Flash forward three years. I hadn’t spoken to Laura in about two years. She called me out of the blue and wanted to hang out, so we went on another date. I really found it refreshing to have Laura back in my life, so I went along with it.

Turns out, Laura is still the party animal was three years ago. She still goes out a lot (now 4-5 times a week). She’s “power dating” (i.e. - Going out with 2-3 guys a week). Things really haven’t calmed down a whole lot with her.

So now I have a problem. I really want Laura back in my life. I really want to take things to the next level with her. She wants to pursue a deeper relationship as well. But I’m thinking that I’ll simply arrive at the same conclusion I arrived at 3 years ago. She’s simply too much for me and I can’t keep up with her lifestyle, especially now that I’ve started my own small business. (I need my nights during the week to work and to entertain clients.)

Should I ditch this thing before I get disappointed again? Or should I pursue it in the hopes that maybe I’ll be able to convince her to calm down a bit?

Anybody have experience with “party girls?” Do they ever mellow out? I just can’t go back to my college days of drinking 6 nights a week…

2

I find that most problems can be solved through the judicious and liberal use of plastic explosives.

In lieu of that, I believe that one may also use massive amounts of electric current.

Tripler
Yeah, a real help, ain’t I?

3

My opinion: your lifestyles are still incompatible. If she’s happy with her life as it is, it’s not your place to try to change it, or her. She may slow down at some point, but it shouldn’t be in response to you. (This would be a terrible footing to start a relationship on – you don’t want to be the wet blanket who signalled the end of her fun days.) Rather, if she finds that she no longer wants to party so much, then you’d be a good guy to date. Leave it at that.

4

The girl sounds like trouble to me, THespos. She needs chaos and havoc, and more stim, and, um, substances, than one guy can give her. She may be fascinated by the stablity that you represent, but she can’t hang with it. Watch her from a distance and wish that she were sane. Thank (whoever you thank) that you’re not the right one for her. Years from now, maybe you’ll still wish you were one of the guys in her wake, but don’t do it.

5

Thanks for everyone’s advice.

Man, this sucks. It is so completely rare these days that I find someone I’m even remotely interested in. But maybe you folks are right - I shouldn’t try to force someone to change if they’re not ready or willing to change.

6

You were quite clear with her before that your lifestyles were not compatible. She has not changed, so the situation has not changed. Don’t dwell on it…she’s not the one, and don’t let mooning over her keep you from finding THE ONE.

7

Thespos

You know all the answers to your questions. Your lifestyles are incompatable and only Laura can change that. You seem like a very smart guy and just need someone to talk you out of making a bad choice. No matter how much you care for this woman If you can’t deal with her lifestyle let her go because you’ll only be miserable If she doesn’t change and frustrated because you can’t make her change.

Now if you’re interested in a cute 5 foot 2 inch hazel eyed weekend party girl with a sick and twisted sense of humor send me a e-mail.(YES THAT WAS A DIRECT HIT!). At least it made you feel better.

8

Dude, the ‘next level’ with this woman is off of a building. If you are unwilling/unable to adopt her lifestyle than why should she be expected to adopt yours? I agree that it is not the healthiest way to live but, as Giraffe points out, how steady can a relationship be when the foundation is contingent on someone radically changing their lifestyle?

You know, there is an old saying whose gist is that “Women get involved with a man hoping he’ll change while men get involved with a woman hoping she won’t.” While the gross generalization is terribly sexist, the sentiment that basing a relationship on the hope of behavior modification rings true.