So about 3 years ago I met this guy on Craigslist. It was supposed to be just a one night stand but it turned into something a little bit more.
I’m 50. I haven’t had any kind of relationship in over 20 years. He was nice enough, we had some things in common, BUT I was NEVER sober with him. I just, as a depressed person with addiction issues, could not go there with him.
I broke it off with him once before with some lame excuse and it was not easy. Then I was trolling for sex one night (I’ll admit it) on Craigslist and responded to his ad. So we ended up back together.
The thing is we do have a lot in common (politics, religion, etc.) but the basic is that he’s a loser. Now, I’m no catch myself. Depression, alcohol issues, blah, blah. But this guy. He’s lived his life in one state. Has NO desire to travel. Has no desire to do anything but what he does. And what he does is go to yard/garage/estate sales on the weekends to purchase CDs that he sells on Ebay. He does not make a living doing this. His parents help him out. He’s older than I am. I, however, too, am currently living off my parents due to the depression. BUT I do not pay $200+ for cable TV. I do not pay an exorbitant amount to heat/cool my house. I’m frugal…I’m living off others.
He calls EVERY SINGLE DAY. When I do go over there he’s all over me like white on rice. It’s just too much for me to handle.
I need to break up with him.
I really need some advice. I don’t have anyone other than my parents to talk to and I don’t really know how to handle this. Any advice would be appreciated.
I don’t see the problem. With this guy you don’t have to troll for sex. You say “when I go over there he is all over me like white on rice”. So, I guess there is some intimate contact going on. When you need some action, go over there. Orgasms for everyone. If the daily phone calls are bothering you, don’t pick it up. What is the problem?
If he would let it go as ‘just sex’ that would be fine. However, he has on numerous occasions told me that he loves me. Sorry I missed that in my OP. He’s way more invested in this ‘relationship’ than I am.
Yes, you do. A fuck buddy relationship only works when both people are on the same page, and that’s not the case here.
There’s no way to break up with someone that doesn’t suck. Do it in person. Don’t be unnecessarily cruel but make it clear that you don’t want to see him anymore. Tell him it’s interfering with your attempts to get sober, which is true.
Based on what you’ve said about him, it’s possible he may not “get” it, and he may keep calling you. Don’t contact him no matter how much you’re tempted. If you do he’s only going to get the wrong idea.
You could try a two-step approach, as in X, I enjoy having sex with you but I don’t love you. We both have other issues that would preclude us having any type of relationship. We can do one of two things; have an arrangement where we see each other a couple of times a week for sex and that’s it, or part ways because I feel it is unfair to you to think I am something more to you than a regular sex partner. Would you like to limit our contact to a couple of meetings a week or would you prefer ending it alltogether? and see what he says.
I’m not sure I would really classify what the two of you have as a real relationship.
You seem to only want him for sex. He trolls for sex on craigslist. So he throws some pleasantries in every once in a while as he’s getting on you. I doubt that he’s really looking for a real relationship either.
Seriously whose parents’ basement are you guys going to move in together at, if this was going to be a real thing.
Enjoy it for what it is. Troll some other craigslist stranger for sex at a bowling alley or something like that if you need to spice it up.
Indeed. You’re both technically adults; act like it. Meet face-to-face; be sober; be blunt. If you’re really serious about ending the relationship altogether, just say it straight up; leave no gray area whatsoever. The words, “Don’t call, don’t write, don’t stop by” leave very little room to interpretation. I’m not saying you need to be mean about it, but make sure you are crystal clear about what it is you want, in this case a clean break.
Why do people feel that she needs to be so crystal clear? It’s not like he stalked her the last time she broke it off. It was her that found him again on craigslist. He just calls and she goes over. Sounds like she needs to be crystal clear with herself…not necessarily him.
Are people missing the part where he’s told her he LOVES her and calls her every single day? To me that does not sound like someone who is going to be cool with a sex-only relationship. He might say he is just to keep her around, but he’s not.
You’re not obliged to tell him anything about why you’re breaking up with him. Just say that it’s not working out. Then, I think, you have to stop all contact. Some people can manage to stay friends with a recent ex, but you two both sound a bit too fragile for that. Stop taking his calls, don’t hook up, don’t give him any basis for hoping that you two will get back together.
If he keeps bothering you, come back and ask for more advice.
Also, addiction can mess up your self-esteem and your interactions with other people. I don’t know if you’re getting any treatment or therapy for it, but if you are, I wouldn’t hesitate to bring up this relationship problem and ask for help in developing the emotional tools to deal with it.
Thanks everyone for your thoughts and advice. I sent him an email already asking for some space and he’s already telling me he misses me. Yeesh.
This is not going to end well and he does make me a little nervous, honestly. He REALLY loves me but I’ve never said the same to him. I really should have ended it some time ago.
It’s at the stage where everything he does just makes my skin crawl. I don’t want to have ANY kind of relationship with him anymore.
Thanks again and I’ll keep you updated! Wish me luck!