Relationship advice / thoughts.

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’ve been having thoughts of breaking up with my girlfriend…but I’m worried I’m suffering from “grass is greener syndrome”.

I met this girl about six months ago while in Vancouver. I live on the prairies so we are long distance. We’ve met about once every 4 weeks since the summer time. In that time we’ve done lots of phoning and skyping.

I have had some real fun times with her. And now though that we are at six months I think the real world realities are setting in. Here is what I find tough about our relationship.

  1. Long distance: I’ve only had two relationships in my life that have gone over a few months, and both have been long distance. I’m concerned not only about how expensive it is and how difficult it is to maintain, but that I could be having a regular relationship here right now.

  2. Her health: She has chronic pain in her stomach, and has some form of IBS. She handles it well, but the health problems are challenging to deal with. Our conversations are often about her health and how she is feeling. I know I sound like a jerk…I have essentially no health problems and I’m aware one day I might and would want to have someone to help me. My previous long distance relationship partner also had lots of health problems. I’m getting tired of dealing with it all the time and giving people advice and comfort. I wonder what it’s like to have a relationship without health issues always coming up.

  3. Chemistry: In some areas we have great chemistry. I like talking with her, however she is not a master of the written word. There are some female friends of mine I feel I have had better chemistry with in terms of banter, laughing, etc. What does that mean? I find she “self affirms” alot in the sense she says out loud she is “good” at lots of things as if to remind herself. I’m more nerdy / dorky than her.

  4. Baggage: There is an ex that is occasionally trying to contact her even though she ignores it and keeps him away. He mails her sometimes. When I hear about it…I just don’t want to hear about it anymore. Also she had been sexually assaulted as a kid and very infrequently she is triggered. I’m highly sexual, and I want to have a partner who is comfortable with their sexuality. Sometimes this gets in the way.

  5. Religion: I’m Athiest and she is United. She really likes religious stuff and I’m finding it more of a turn off all the time.

  6. Family: This may be the biggest. Her immediate family has lots of issues. Her Mother is currently living with her ex-husband while also living with her boyfriend. As well her brother has drug problems. Fortunately they are isolated in a different city, but I’m worried one day I’ll have to interact with them more. I honestly don’t want those influences in my life. Again the spectre of my last relationship comes up where her family had so much drama. My previous partner’s brother was abusive to women and had even molested her. I don’t want to have that experience again.

So there are lots of things coming up in my mind about where this is going. She is a bubbly, high energy, friendly, physically fit, very nice girl. I’m just wondering if should keep investing time hoping some of the above issues will either resolve from my accepting them, or from all small hope that some of the above might change. I’m wondering if this very nice girl is the best match for me. We both like being fit, exploring city life, dancing, yoga, etc. Those are the times we have the most fun. We are also interested in travelling together.

Also I’ve learned alot in the past three years about relationships, dating, and being responsible for my own happiness. I know the decision comes down to what I want. In the past yearish I dated about 10 women so I have a lot more perspective than I used to. I find this person very difficult to decide on so that’s why I’m here asking for feedback. Any decision I make will be my own, Thanks for your respectful replies. I’ll be seeing her again in two weeks for Christmas.

2

The fact that you’re posting to an Internet message board and can make a long, detailed list of why you think your relationship isn’t working pretty much means you should break up. I mean, if this was a feasible, long term, marriage type thing, right now should be the high point - madly in love, feel like you’ve found your soulmate, etc, etc. Having doubts right now basically means you’re not really that compatible.

Of course, there might be tons of positives you just didn’t post about, but from what you’ve said here, it seems like something’s wrong. It doesn’t even really matter if you’re justified or morally right in having these thoughts; the bottom line is, it’s not working out.

ETA: Oh, and I think the whole religion thing is a very bad sign. I know inter-faith marriages can work out great, but if her spirituality is already getting on your nerves when you’re in two different countries . . . it doesn’t bode well.

3

With it being a long distance relationship you can keep it light while slowly backing off. It’s good that you’re recognizing the red flags. Some would make anybody question a commitment, like how involved you want to be with the family drama. When you care about somebody you do get the whole family to some degree or other and that, along with her health problems, sounds like a lot of time and effort spent spinning your wheels with support that can’t really change anything. (As selfish as that sounds, the dating phase is when you get to choose what you want to get into.) Some concern your own preferences—and all are valid.

The biggest thing that stands out to me is that you actually enjoy interacting with others more than with her. If she’s not of the same bent, doesn’t banter easily or just relish the complex comedy of life, you might find yourself being brought down rather than growing in the zest you’ve evidenced on the Board. And, you might become aware of somebody local who better matches your personality and the relationship doesn’t seem like so much work.

4

Yes, sorry, I agree with the rest of the answers. In generally, when people ask the board “should I stay with x” 99,99% of the time the answer is “no”. The people who want to stay in a relationship usually know.

5

I skimmed the OP. I did not see if there are expectations of exclusivity? If you two have never agreed to be exclusive, then you are not. You can date local girls too. I don’t see this as being an either/or situation.

6

Break up. She needs someone different than you just as much as you need someone different than her.

Don’t make it long and drawn out. Do the deed, say bye, don’t talk anymore.

7

LDR’s suck. I’d never do it again. If you were continue with this woman, have you thought about who would move where? Are you willing to do that?

8

If you want her to change or can’t be happy with her just as she is…then move on.

9

My crystal ball says it’s time to move on… This friend of yours has lots of baggage.

10

This.

11

I’m kinda startin’ to agree with you all. I knew all about the “posting on a forum” thing before I posted…but did it anyway. Lately it seems we are becoming a bit more distant anyhow.

Sigh…any suggestions for a soft landing and ways to keep myself feeling positive? I’m expecting a guilt complex of some kind…even though we’ve only been going on six months. I’m also feeling a bit bummed to be 32 and still not figuring this whole thing out. And also speaking from a male perspective…I miss physical intimacy. It’s a lonely night tonight.

12

So I ended up breaking up with her:…

13

Here’s an after-the-fact comment that might help.

I went with a guy for years and often wondered if I should break up with him. We had a lot of things going for us, and he was a great guy and I know he loved me a lot. But still, I wondered often if we should continue. It got to where I was wondering about it just about every day. Finally I did break up with him.

When I met the guy I later married, we had a few bumpy spots getting together, but I wasn’t plagued with the same kind of doubts. And once we decided to get married and DID get married, I never looked back. I never wondered if we should be together. I do remember saying to myself, “Oh, THIS is what it’s supposed to feel like.” Sadly, he passed away 15 years ago.

My point is if you’re wondering and asking yourself those kinds of questions often, that is an indicator in itself. When you’ve met the right person, not that you’ll never have one single doubt, but the experience will be qualitatively different.

14

If you’re tired of long-distance and unwilling to move, you need to narrow your search range. I succeeded in turning a long-distance relationship into a live-in because I was skilled/motivated enough to get a job across the country, and willing to move anywhere (within the continental US) for the right person. If you’re not both willing and able to move, don’t start relationships with people who live more than a 30 (or whatever) minute drive from your zip code.