Okay, I met a girl on Yahoo Personals, and we get along very well. We first started emailing and so forth back in October, it wasn’t any big deal and mostly superficial stuff. She wouldn’t give me her phone number at that time and so we kept emailing and IMing. Finally a little after Xmas she phoned me, our conversations became less superficial, but still nothing too deep. We finally met face to face February 7th. It was dinner and conversation, it went well. We didn’t talk too much for a couple of days after that, but the Friday after Valentines, we had a first real date. I count this as the official start of the relationship (2/17). For the next 10 days we saw each other every day with the exception of one day. The second weekend after our first official date she mentions she would like some space in my bathroom to keep her stuff (soaps, perfumes and special potions in tiny mysterious vials). She has also suggested I get a second nightstand for the bedroom and she could keep some clothes here. I am not going to jump right on that suggestion. It has been nearly a full month that we have been dating and I have already signed up to fly to another state to attend a wedding with her. The strange thing is that I don’t feel worried that this is moving too fast, but my brain tells me I should **think **that this is moving too fast. I’m better with thinking than I am feeling.
So far this is a great relationship. I don’t want to ruin it because my brain is trying to hold me to some “NORMAL timeline” that doesn’t actually exist.
I’ve never been through this kind of thing. Have any of you been through this? What could go wrong? What should I look for? Is this because I am easy-going and she is ____ (what’s a nice way of saying pushy?)
Personally I think it took a wierd jump. You initially met her way back in October, and had to wait months and months to meet her in person? Sounds kind of fishy to me. I tend to like to meet people in person ASAP because honestly no matter how they write/talk on the phone, I’m not going to really know them until I meet them face-to-face.
It sounds like it is moving too fast for me, but whatever you’re comfortable with should really be your yardstick.
Do accept the almost certain fact that if you continue with the relationship, she will continue the pushing, and you will be moved in and/or married within the year. If that’s what you know in your heart that you want, and if you’re willing to have it with her, cool. If not, I don’t know that you can really ask a woman like that to slow it down- and having that conversation with her may create a lot more drama than you are prepared for.
I am absolutely no authority on relationships and I really don’t know a delicate way to ask this, but…
…is there any chance that the sudden and (assumingly) ample supply of affection/nookie is causing you overlook things you might be having problems with?
I understand wanting to bring some toiletries and other effects, but the nightstand makes it sound to me like her intentions are very much to move in on a permanent basis. I think most would agree this is rather sudden, being just over a MONTH after you met face to face.
Either way, the faster the ball starts rolling on this one the harder it’s going to be to stop it so I’d act quickly.
The real dangers of moving too quickly is that things happen before you really get to know the person. It’s just the way love works, with the illusion stronger than the reality.
Given that you’ve spent a while getting to know one another, before the relationship started seriously, you’re in less danger than it may seem, trust me. What you’ve described is roughly how I met my wife.
You’re going to have to decide how well you’ve gotten to know them based on your ‘not too deep’ conversations. Unless she was deliberatly misleading you, you’ll have learned something about her, even if it’s on an unconcious level. I’d guess thats why you’re so comfortable with her being assertive.
Alice Strangely enough I am comfortable with this. However, I will try to delay any major moving in activity until at least the summer or so (for no good reason I can think of other than my brain’s timeline). And she has already made comments about how she really doesn’t like her roommate and so forth.
Cyberhwk Yes, the honeymoon phase of the relationship has made me very happy and because of that, I’m probably not looking for any problems. Even though we have been together a short time (calendar-wise), we have spent a lot of time together. I feel like I am really getting to know her well.
twickster I am 36, but none of my adult relationships have moved like this. I dated a girl for 11 months and the most she left at my place was some feminine hygiene products.
Well, my husband proposed less than eight weeks after our first date. We met about two months before we ever went out, and only had casual chats before our first date. I didn’t move in until about five months after our first date, but that’s because the situation in my shared house had become uncomfortable and crowded. Granted, we waited a while to actually get married, just to make sure we weren’t totally nuts. Five and a half years later, I have no regrets.
Sometimes, when things are right, the “rules” go out the window!
When my uncle Jesús anounced he was getting married, the family almost had a collective stroke. He was 55, what bachelor goes and gets married at 55, she must have been misguided by his fancy lastname into thinking he has money, bet she’s some young cheap slut… uh, no. She was 55 as well, also unmarried, similar economic and social background.
Uncle had gone to another town for a week of training, being housed at a coworker’s, she was a friend of the coworker’s wife. After writing and phoning each other for a month, they figured if you don’t know what you like by 55 you won’t ever learn it. “By the way, people, I’m getting married, just so you know.”
Their marriage lasted over 35 years and ended due to biological imperatives.
I have experienced something like this twice. The first time was when I met and fell in love with someone three months before I had to leave the country. I brought him with me and married him because it was the only way to keep seeing him.
I did love him truly and completely but the marriage didn’t work out. I am convinced it was because we didn’t have time to “date” and get to know each other, figure out what we wanted, etc, before jumping in.
The second time was a guy that I met a few months ago who came home with me and never left. Mostly because his own home situation is kind of shitty and he doesn’t have a place of his own - yet. I am happy for now but I know it will not work if he stays at my place - again, because we didn’t have time to get to know each other first.
I guess what I mean by “dating” is not only getting to know each other, but getting a feel for your relationship, and getting a feel for how you feel about the relationship. This can only come with time, as you experience different circumstances together and evolving feelings for each other. There comes a time when it’s too late to go back and do or say things that should have been done or said at the beginning of the relationship, so take your time and do them at the beginning.
Sometimes fast relationships work out great. But sometimes it takes a few years to realize that you missed a few important steps along the way.
My current relationship isn’t moving quite as fast as yours – we’ve been dating for 3 months and just last week he offered to let me keep some stuff at his place, since I stay there most weekends – but you and I are roughly the same age and I’m in the camp of not worrying so much about how fast things are “supposed” to be going. And now I will bore you with my story.
Our first date was on December 5th, and during the first 6 weeks of our relationship we saw each other at least twice a week – we only slowed down in late January because I’m in school and the semester started. We became exclusive almost right away, I spent the night at his place for the first time New Year’s weekend, and by the end of January it went without saying that I’d spend Friday & Saturday nights at his place whenever possible (he can’t stay at my place because he has a dog). We just took our first trip together (a 3-day weekend in NYC), he has met one member of my family (a favorite uncle), he recently sold me 1 of his 2 baseball season tickets, I’m going with him to his friend’s wedding in May, and we’re talking about maybe going to Vegas this summer.
We’ve talked about the fact that things are moving kind of fast, and when he suggested that I leave a few things at his place he even started with “It might be too soon…,” but ultimately everything just feels right. To both of us. So we don’t really care about externally imposed timetables (or whatever you want to call it). That said, we won’t be moving in together any time soon: he owns his place, but my lease isn’t up until August 2008. Plus, I don’t really care about getting married but I’ve never lived with anyone, so moving in together would be pretty much the biggest relationship step that I can take. Also, the “l” word hasn’t come up yet, but things seem to be headed in that direction.
Yep, sounds kind of quick, but I don’t know a nice way to tell her that and get the relationship to slow down a bit. Maybe take more time away from the home itself, doing outside things and generally setting a ‘dating’ tone rather than a ‘let’s pretend we’re married’ tone.
I wouldn’t have said quite the same thing last year, but now I’m someone who thinks a little more time to cook can benefit most dishes!
I just wanted to clear one thing up - the word for “pushy” is “aggressive,” not “assertive.” Assertive people defend their own boundaries; aggressive people step on yours.
I think the best yardstick for you is how you feel about things, Yeeter. If you’re happy with the developments, go right ahead. If you feel uncomfortable, put the brakes on.
Thanks everybody. I really just wanted justification for doing what feels right. I haven’t had this kind of chemistry since I dated Mean Michelle (check my myspace for that story). And this girl isn’t mean, so that’s cool.
Oh, I should add that the relationship is not all about the chemistry – we have some interests the same, and enough different that we can share new experiences. She’s smart, funny, caring and all the things people say they want on their personal ads. Yeeter=Lucky Guy.
The only thing that is a red flag is asking you to purchase furniture for her stuff. Leaving a toothbrush seems normal if she’s spending the night but the rest of the stuff should be carried back and forth.
I think if a boyfriend asked me to buy a side dresser or clear a draw within a month of meeting, I would think that would be moving very fast but I guess only you know how you feel about it.
I think it’s moving too fast, IMHO. Stop and smell the roses. The beginning of a relationship is the best part, and if you rush through it you end up in the “obligation” phase way too soon. I personally enjoy the dynamics of a new relationship too much to rush in to the rest (i.e. attend wedding together . . . I hate that).
Also, keep in mind that if you isolate yourself too much from your friends before this new love interest, they might not be there once (if) it ends. Breaking up with a non-existant support system is brutal. I would try to balance this new love interest with the rest of the things that occupied your time before her. You gotta have balance.
