Here- direct example from when I just had to go to bed in order to be functional for work. Last week. I didn’t have the time to sit and listen.
For the time being, while you are both in therapy and working on better communication methods, do you think she might agree to write a nopte about her feelings instead of telling you?
This has the benefit of removing tone of voice, and allowing you some control in when you deal with it. (Very often one is in a good frame of mind int he am while the other or the general schedule promotes pm discussions.) It also lets her “re-read” before giving it to you, and gives her more of a chance to edit herself and recognize when enough is too much. It’s a lot easier to fuss and fume for an hour than it is to write six pages. . .
Seriously? You two are fighting constantly, she feels unloved and unsupported, and your response is that she should become financially dependent upon you? :eek:
She would not be financially dependent upon me.
She has plenty of cushion, and once she finishes her dissertation, will be earning about three times what I do.
Wow. She sounds really high-maintenance. That’s a lot of exclamation marks over nothing. Not sure what you can do about that.
She is outright telling you what you can do to improve the situation, but it seems like you’re stalled because you avoid these things because it’s difficult, which makes it a full circle of frustration for the both of you. The more you stonewall her, the more frustrated she gets and rants, and then more closed up you get because she won’t quit nagging.
And I’ll be completely honest here, I have no ideas or advice on how you can fix your relationship. Plenty of people are going to come in here saying you should do this, and you should do that but reality is, whatever people say, you are always going to feel that we don’t know the two of you and your personalities, we don’t know your history and how far you’ve come in life, and we don’t know the good things that come out of your relationship. It is much easier for people point out problems than to offer solutions. My only advice here is that you actually start being honest with yourself and figure out what you want and how to communicate that, because it doesn’t sound like what you have is working.
And I have presented this as if there is not any real communication about the issues, which is not the case.
We are discussing it, and she has stated that she has a proposed path to try, so we are working on it- I am just looking for more advice and help.
Thank you all for what you have said so far.
Leffan- thanks for your candor. I am not quite ready to give up on it, but I feel you.
This is just a personal observation with my group of friends, but I notice that whenever a friend who is already in a happy relationship is upset at their partner, they rant and rave to me, but always end it with a good remark about them. For example, my sister will rant about her fiance not doing the dishes and how it’s so annoying and she just wants to smack him in the face with a dirty frying pan, but always trails it off with something like “at least he’s good with the laundry”. So if there is communication about the issues, why did you present it as if there isn’t? We’re essentially a blank slate on the knowledge of your relationship here, and aside from some vague ideas about how good it makes you feel to be in a relationship with her, you haven’t really said how she makes you happy. Does she give you back rubs? Tell funny jokes? What’s the good stuff that makes all the bickering worth it?
I am just happy to be around her when she’s happy- we giggle and laugh together, she is at least as smart, if not smarter than I, which is, I think, a first for me- so she gets my references and my silly jokes and my deep thoughts, etc without a lot of explaination…
She is a wonderful human being, full of intelligence, warmth, and love, and she positively showers me (and my/our daughter) with love and happiness and smileyface texts and little notes- she is a great painter (and claims not to know it) but I have decorated at least one wall in each room with her art…
She is open and honest and willing to discuss problems (too much! that is part of the problem, but it is great when needed) and while she does not always immediately accept her responsibility for problems, she also realizes that she gets out of control when we fight and she will apologize as soon as she has regained her sense of proportion…
She lets me play video games, she hates television as much as I do- the chick flicks she makes me watch are the ones that actually have a bit of wit and life to them, and she loves the way I write, she loves the way I read- she reads!
There’s a lot that is great- and I gush about her often.
She apologizes?
In 17 years my wife has never once apologized for anything. I’m not kidding.
You have hope my friend.
My thoughts on reading that - do you have a dynamic going on where the harder she tries to grab onto you, the further you pull away? Also, she sounds emotionally immature - like she expects YOU to be everything to her emotionally, instead of her looking after herself somewhat.
Just so you know, women don’t have the right to force you to listen to them recite your faults at you every single day. That’s not cool.
ETA: Thought of something else - how much positive feedback do you give her? It sounds like you like many things about her, but how much do you tell her?
Get over it. Instead of saying (internally) “oh, no, here it comes” say “the person I love is trying to tell me something that it is difficult for her to say” Then act like you believe it. This will go a long way to curing both the irritation and the resentment over it.
Also, you aren’t terribly direct and honest if you deal with the irritation by talking about her to your friends. Not that I think you should be that direct and honest.
Is your bedtime a big issue? Is it possible to sometimes take a nap before she gets home and then be available for her? Or say, “I’m pretty tired tonight, but I have enough energy to cuddle and chuckle at a TV show with you”? I don’t know, it sounds pretty awful to me.
I’m piling on here.
My wife always started this shit at bedtime when I was tired and wanted to sleep.
I was never “allowed” to go to bed before her and she never went to bed before me. This lasted for something like 10 years.
Sorry for hijacking your thread gurujulp, I have a lot of unresolved issues that I never wanted to air. This thread, and some latest life events, have made me open up a lot more than previously.
It goes in rounds… Sometimes more positive, then there will be me shutting down for a while…
I think there is a bit of the maturity thing, but just a tiny bit- she has been in school her entire life.
I could do well to give her more positive reinforcement- just typing that out earlier made me feel a whole lot better.
Oh, and it isn’t that bad- reciting faults every day, I mean… Sometimes it’s close, but not always. I do pull away a bit when she grabs on, but not much. And I wouldn’t call her codependent- but we are both pretty needy of attention, and she is just a little bit more than me.
I was waiting to hear from you- brutal honesty is indeed what I appreciate, and you have it to spare! That is perfect advice, and I shall try it.
I very very rarely talk to my friends about her- I have a couple of folks I can talk to, but really, my own internal dialogue is usually all I need- but there’s a close buddy I can say anything to, and do when I need more.
The bed thing just doesn’t work- we get home at six, I cook dinner, and it’s usually ready by seven- then at about 7:45 or 8 kiddo takes a shower and it’s her bedtime ritual, story, etc- around 8:45 or nine, that is done, and I am beat.
When I drank, I stayed up quite late- I think to ‘enjoy’ the effects- and I had insomnia. Not drinking has me tired as hell and wanting to be in bed for sleep at about 9:30. Kinda cuts into the personal time- and while I totally get her need for quality time, I just can’t function if I don’t get to sleep before 10. I toss and turn enough to need a bit more than 8 hours to function- but that is a whole 'nother thread…
I really dig it, man! Thank you! I am sorry to hear the negatives, but they are realistic portrayals of possible future paths for me, so I do indeed appreciate your input. I haven’t ever heard anything personal from you that I can recall, so truly, I do.
I feel that I have been very helped by this- and I am gonna try to stay up a bit late so we can get some talking done…
Wish me luck!
Ah good, that’s something I’ve long heard of as being the biggest sign of a good relationship, it makes both people be better people.
I strongly doubt it. Some people enjoy drama, so drama is a necessary part of their relationships. But since you don’t, I do hope you two can learn how to talk without those barbs… trying to figure out what someone is actually saying and whether their gripe is legitimate through a shower of poison darts is horribly tiresome!
I’m going to hazard a little guess about this dynamic…
You say that she’s loving, and showers you and your daughter with love, with texts, smileys, etc.
You, however, go to bed before her, will avoid discussing issues with her, and there’s tension over both things.
What I think (my wild-ass guess) is that she wants you to shower her with love, the same way she showers you. I think you’ll find that when you are laughing and giggling and having a great time, that those are the times when you are reciprocating her outpouring of emotion. I think you’ll also find that when she perceives that you are ignoring her (her issues, or not spending time with her before bed) is when you will fight, because she feels hurt that you aren’t with her emotionally, so to speak.
So next time you two start arguing, or the tension is building, try thinking back to see whether she might think you haven’t been giving her all the attention she craves in the last day or so…and if this is the case then maybe this is true, at least to a certain extent.
As to how to solve it, I don’t know. I’m assuming you feel you give her all the attention and love that you can and you would like her to be content with that.
I’m saying all this based on the fact that her major trigger issue seems to be you ignoring her feelings and even in her email she says she “needs love”.
For the “needs love” bit, I find that just a hug (but a real hug) is often enough when you’re exhausted, and the other person is needy. try making it a rule that you take three minutes to give her a real hug (meaning paying attention and no sexual overtones) evey morning and night.
With long-term relationships, especially busy live-ins, it’s easy to fall into a place where the only touching is sexual. Women find this situation particularly soul-sucking, although we can’t always identify the problem. Non-sexual physical affection is very important.
The affection vs sexual is absolutely true, and that is a large part of it.
And I think the returning affection bit is also true.
We had a (long) great talk- but here’s the thing- while I feel we had a lot of really good actual communication, the evening ended on a negative note, sort of. We sat and she said what she said, over and over, and I said what I said, over and over, and finally we got to a place, after about an hour and a half, that I thought should have been reached at about 50 seconds.
What she needs most is time. The affection isn’t a problem- we are always touching, holding hands, being loving - when we are in the same room!
But just reaching a consensus as to what the problems are don’t solve the problems- so while we had a really long, helpful conversation that was done in a very objective way, minus the drama, we ended up back at a point where the compromises necessary to real life don’t make either one of us happy…
But again- we are working.
And this thread totally has helped.
I am probably not going to post quite as much, but I would still dig advice (especially from you anamika (think I misspelled that, sorry) as my gf is translating quite a bit of this into Hindi and Kanneda in her head, and you might be able to point me in some better ways of communication…
You should both read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Her primary love language is obviously Quality Time.