I’m not sure from what you’ve posted, but it sounds like you both get home from work/school at the same time, but then you alone do an additional three hours of work: making dinner, getting your children into the shower, and getting the kids into bed. Of course you’re more tired than she is!
Have you talked with her about taking on some of the evening chores? Tell her how much more emotionally available you would be - very few people can do both work and parenting AND THEN partnering.
Also, different people need different amounts of sleep. That’s not laziness or unavailability, that’s just biology. Given your limitations, can you spend time together (even by phone) in the mornings or at lunch?
It really seems to me like every relationship has problems such as this, especially when it comes to communication. But I am confused. You guys seem to be communicating…but it feels like a battle with words and emotions to see who will “win”. Like someone else mentioned, she IS communicating to you. In your most recent post, you talk about wanting the conversation to cease at the end of 50 seconds because the point was made. But she is probably making the point over and over again because she is not being heard. OR that’s just her way…let her get her thoughts out. Something is amiss for her- thats my impression. As per your description, she is smart an really a positive influence on your life. But are you treating her that way? What did you really understand from your conversation last night? Are you really listening? Seems like you want it to be over soon and she is picking up on that and feeling rejected and unheard. Give her time…yes…quality time.
I am a woman in a long term relationship and I also come from a blended family. My mother adopted me when I was three and my parents are still together. They had their issues, but they love each other dearly.
She is raising YOUR child and she is in a relationship with you. That’s a lot of adjustments for her and she seems to be doing a great job, according to you. Figure out how you want to love her for that. Often times, the bickering goes away when both people have a resolution and feel like they are getting what they deserve (wish it was easy). If you guys have been bickering about the same thing over and over again, then talk about reasonable solutions. What was negative about last night?
And…gurujulp, I think you are looking for an easy way out actually, but you do seem like you care deeply. What do you bring to the relationship?
It seems you guys have a good relationship overall but have some unresolved issues that need to be sorted out. Remember, it’s about compromises and balance. She is asking for love and your time. Find ways in which you can give it to her and see if that’ll work. Life happens, but it’s all about living and coexisting. Like some one else said…deal with it and make it happen. You can always catch up on your sleep in your old age. If you can’t, then don’t expect it to go away. But it seems like you don’t care since you are asking for ways in which you can deal with the stress of her bickering.
Man…you KNOW the problem, that’s half the battle won. Now just work on fixing it. Move forward, or don’t complain about being stuck.
Oh and honesty and talks help. Tell her about your resentments and why you are feeling the way you do. If she continues to bicker, then there might be bigger issues here.
You are vague about your drinking in the present. But if you have had a drinking problem in the past, then there is more going on between you and her and trust in this relationship.
That’s all I gotta say. Good luck. Keep us posted.
I apologize if I somehow misrepresented the shared workload at home- I meant to indicate that one or the other of us is working on a task or two at a time for that three hour period, not that I do it all alone.
In addition- her job follows her home, in that she has to update stuff that happened during the day, whereas I get to leave my job at work.
I am looking for an easy way out in the sense that I feel there should be an ‘enlightnenment’ or sartori moment for ME- that would allow me to get why/how/what needs to be done, beyond simply saying she needs the time to work through her own thoughts in conversation.
I get the concept of working through thoughts by expressing them, but I don’t need to do it all the time (I internalize that dialogue, as I have referenced earlier), and I certainly wouldn’t do it with negative thoughts and feelings directly to an individual without structuring the situation to keep it from spinning out of control… which seems to me what is happening, from her end towards me.
If it comes down to her needing time at the end of each and every day, then it is going to come down to how well we can stick to our schedules- if kiddo is in bed by 8:30 and the parental tucking in is done by 8:45, then we can have an hour together!
Often, however, we let things take just that little bit longer.
Last night ended on the note that I don’t ‘expect’ that end of the day time, but will work towards it- if she reminds me. I don’t trust myself to be on top of that, as I don’t need it. I need my ALONE time… with a book or something- but I can do that at lunch, or something.
She just ‘expects’ it to occur, and is sad that it doesn’t always, and doesn’t feel it is her responsibility to make it happen. I am trying to ensure that it isn’t JUST her, and that it is us together, but I don’t know…
She trusts me implicitly with everything EXCEPT alcohol. And since I have gone through varying levels of drug addiction here there and everywhere throughout much of my life, starting with crack at 13 - that is a pretty powerful statement to make. Specifically- she would trust me not to act inappropriately with heroin, crack, cocaine and a naked hooker all on my lap- but not with a drink. And yes, that is a direct (rewritten) quote.
Oh, btw, everything up through my last multipost response last night I had her read, and she feels that some of the responses are uncannily appropos, especially you, Leaffan.
Wait. MissPariah, are you really telling him to give up on sleep and “deal with it” because his partner is needy? I mean, okay, occasionally you stay up late to talk about something important, but this sounds like an every night, “I want attention” kind of thing.
Both partners need to make adjustments - gurujulp shouldn’t have to wreck his health or ignore his own needs.
No. I am saying both parties need to make a compromise.
What exactly is she asking for? 30 min each night? Two hours? The whole night? Do what’s reasonable.
Of course it’s a let down when you tell her that you don’t need it or expect it, but that you will try and make it work. She is probably reading that as being taken for granted and ignored. It’s great that you are trying gurujulp, but I also see where your gf is coming from. If it’s just 30 mins of your 24 hrs she is asking for…that’s reasonable for the mother of your child. Do something that you both enjoy. Sorry if I sound biased. But I have seen my mother and myself go through similar issues. Relationships sometimes just needs some adjustments and if the love and willingness is there, it will be ok.
She is asking for less and wanting more- she states she is looking for 15-20 minutes each evening. IME, that is not actually true- she is looking for a good interaction, leading to intimate activity- approximately an hour to an hour and a half…
If I give her 15-20 minutes of conversation, I get the lecture- but she keeps insisting that is what she wants.
I believe she would disagree with what I just said, however.
Talk to her and find out. If she wants 2 hours, then meet her halfway and if she doesn’t understand then reevaluate your need to be in a relationship with her. I still am confused as to what you are looking for in this relationship with her. Would you leave her if it wasn’t for your child? You seem to be making a lot of assumptions about her needs. How have you guys lasted this long then?
If she doesn’t want to change you and doesn’t want you to change your routine for her, why does she keep bringing this stuff up with you? That doesn’t make any sense to me - her actions are not matching her words.
Also, do you find that if you do one thing to please her, is there now three more things she wants? At some point everyone in a longterm relationship has to acknowledge that they’re in a relationship with a human being, someone who isn’t perfect and is never going to be perfect, and decide if they can live with what that other person is like. You have to decide to appreciate what you have, instead of focusing on the two or three things that person is lacking.
With my last question, I am trying to find out the positives that have made you last up until this point. You compliment her and love her, but it seems like you don’t want to give her much either. Same might be true for her. If it is…reevaluate before things get worse because life will continue to become rough and leaving 2, or 5 years down the line will become much more painful. Sorry…I want you guys to succeed, but be realistic.
By that, I mean that if we talk very little, and just act together, then things are great.
She has a penchant for misunderstanding what I say if there is not at least an hour of conversation involved- so, worst case scenario-
we start to have a good conversation- halfway through she is thouroughly confused about wtf I am saying- and it is time for me to go to bed.
Automatic fucked up interactions for a few days.
This could be the fact that while English is one of her first languages, it is one of five she grew up with simultaneously. This could be trust issues on her part. This could be bad communication ability on my part.
But again- when we act together, we act easily and comfortably in concert, and we love each other effortlessly. But the- uh- to quote or misquote- “the words get in the way”…
Honestly, I read this whole thread, and it very much sounds like the problem is with you, not her.
Stop being so emotionally distant. She’s paying attention to the way you behave, and you behave as though you don’t give a fuck. Hey, I’m emotionally distant, too. I’m aware of it, and I do what I can to mitigate it. But it’s difficult to be in a relationship with an emotionally distant person, and really, it’s on you to make the changes necessary to compromise.
Stop being so defensive. Every time she talks to you or complains about something, it’s not meant as a criticism. My husband is exactly the same way. “This is what happened and here’s how I feel.” “I’M SORRY OKAY?! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!” Well, I don’t want anything. I want to express something that bothered me and then get feedback on why it happened or how we can avoid it in the future. The “communication issues” you alluded to sounds like you’re simply sensitive to any and all commentary that can be construed as negative.
Listen for once. Relationships take work. Sometimes even more work than you want to put into it. You both have needs to fulfill in a relationship, and it sounds like one of her needs is quiet time spent with you. I’m quite frankly stunned by her email–not because she sounded whiny but because most of what she wanted is perfectly reasonable. I would be livid if I were sick and my husband didn’t even offer to get me dinner or some Nyquil. “Pretend that you care” is a pretty telling phrase. She interprets actions as signs of love. It’s not enough for you to just be there in the room. Do things that will make her think you care about her.
I can’t believe you begrudge her an hour of “intimate” time a night. I’m looking forward to the “My GF Refuses to Have Sex” thread after she’s given up on getting attention from you at all. If you don’t even make time for her at the end of the day when the chores are done and the kid is in bed, then what’s the difference between her and a roommate? That might be your idea of a blissful relationship, but it probably isn’t what she’s interested in.
Underline mine… I’m not sure that either both of you are saying what you really need to say (hey, if “trying so hard to coach things in a non-hurtful way that the other person ends up thinking there really isn’t a problem” is a sin, I’m on the fast train to Hell), or that both of you are hearing what is meant. If she’s saying “I need love” and your response is “but I love you!” - you’re not hearing what she’s saying, which is “I need love and well, ok, you say you love me, but the way you express it doesn’t really work for me.”
You’re talking a lot about when you talk and she misunderstands… but I’m not sure that you pay enough attention to her while you’re taling to realize the points where she’s starting to get confused. Do you know what her body language is in between “I understand” and “wtf? You’re a moron!” or does it blndside you every time? Talking is only about 1/3 of communication: you talk with your mouth, but listen with eyes and ears; focus more on your listening and less on your talking.
A line from a song which made me think of this conversation:
… when I’m tired and you ask me how my day went, that’s when I love you most…
You say you touch and talk “when we are in the same room”.
How often do yo go out of your way to be in the same room she is? How often does she go out of her way to be in the same room you’re in?
I didn’t read the whole thread but here’s my take:
If you are seeing a relationship pattern, usually it’s not because you are making them evil. You are choosing evil ones. Something about them attracts you, very likely that they are exactly the same or exactly the opposite of one of your parents, your first love, someone who abused you, etc. etc. etc.
Alcoholism is a disease, but the drinking of alcohol is a symptom, not a cause. You have other problems causing you to drink. Until you address those problems, you will either still have the same problems sober and/or turn to another drug. Therapy is a good start.
You refer to the “good times.” However, you fight 3 days a week, didn’t mention what happened the other 4, and only right after therapy “it’s good for a few days.” It seems to me there aren’t many good times.
Extroverts think by talking, and energize by interacting. Introverts think before talking, and energize through solitude.
For an introvert, it’s exhausting to have a conversation in which the other person hasn’t yet thought through the subtleties of the situation. We are trying to discern their point long before they have developed one. For an extrovert, it feels stifling to be pushed to come to a conclusion before all the subtleties have been discussed and mulled over in conversation. They are frustrated by our inflexibility in forming an opinion before the discussion has even begun, and often feel like conversation with us is a chess game.
Sounds like y’all are one of each, and having trouble respecting each other’s needs. Could she keep you company in the kitchen while you cook dinner? That way she could get her talking time in while you are forced to be on your feet anyway. And if you were to invite her in, and say “Chat with me while I do this” then she might feel that sense of interest from you that she’s lacking.
When she’s talking on and on, try to view it as a chance to observe her thought process. Which parts of this does she keep coming back to? What logical leaps does she make? Don’t try to steer her thinking for the first few minutes, but just ask questions to help her see all the tangents you came up with on the subject. Then when she starts to slow down a bit, you’ll know she’s reached what for you would have been the starting point.
Body language- I don’t know, actually. That might very well be something I am missing- I am famous for only only only concentrating on the actual verbal stuff, and not paying attention to tone or body language.
We often (almost always) go out of our way to be line of sight- but again, we are usually both busy with things.
I love to hear about her day- and she absolutely wants to be heard- but there is that time crunch, sometimes.
She is in no way ‘evil’ - and the pattern of communication has been so consistent in my life, and matches the mars/venus shit so closely that I simply have to accept that I have a certain role and deal with my stuff.
We fight 3-4 days a week- and usually make up. Not always. There is a large enough problem that I have started this post and have her reading it, and it may not last- but after therapy last night, and discussion of everything that has been placed here also discussed there, I think we have several ways to move forward- including alcohol and addiction stuff.
I am both an introvert and extrovert- I come up as both in those personality surveys depending on how I feel when I take the test. INSP and ENSJ, I think, but I am reaching, I really don’t remember at this point…
The chat with me idea is a great one! She does, sometimes, but being invited would absolutely make her feel what she wants to feel!!! Thank you!
The last bit is the problem. I do that- the questions, the (attempt) to not steer the conversation, and it just takes quite a while. I think she is waiting for my tone and body language to reach the right point- but it only hits what she needs for about ten minutes before it shifts from apparent indifference/boredom to the right kind of interest to defensive/hostile.
Again- all- I am absolutely owning my shit in this, and I appreciate you helping me to identify exactly what type of things those are- THANK YOU!
And pepperlandgirl- she wants to hug you or buy you a drink or something- her exact words were- let me check the text…
So- after dealing with car problems, the therapy last night, staying up to talk about it after- about four hours of sleep and three cab rides and fixing my car in the freezing rain, I am beat as hell, but we are currently in a good place- and will hopefully stay that way.
She is toying with the idea of jumping on the board to post here… We shall see.
Oh! I hadn’t gathered she was Indian. Her parents must be so proud.
Well, here is my take on it - a need for comforting, love, hugs, in my case used to always stem from insecurity. My parents were not affectionate people and rarely if ever hugged. Now I just love it in general.
How did her family treat her, especially her dad? Cause like it or not, that kind of stuff shines through. My dad was affectionate to an extent, but he was soft and ineffectual and always kowtowed to my mom, and I have always desired a strong male figure in my life.
If she needs love and hugs then you should give it to her. Also, how much Bollywood did she watch? Again, sounds silly, but if you look at love in the movies, it’s a very skewed version - over and over the woman pouts and the man makes it up to her. You start to think that’s how it’s supposed to be.
How many relationships has she been in before? How long have you been together?
The problem sounds like it’s both of you, and that is because I recognize some of her behavior in myself from a younger age. You both need to agree on a couple of things. I say you to be generic, I mean this for both of you:
To be honest, but not brutally honest - that is not good for a relationship. Gently honest - tell how you feel, but no need to be unnecessarily hurtful.
As a corollary to the above, you must also agree to believe the other. This was a huge ordeal in my relationship. Just because you are mad, does not mean you should not listen to the other person, if they say they are telling the truth, you need to believe them - both sides. And if you cannot talk without heat, then you need to put the conversation on hold. And you need to watch your mouth in fights. You can’t just get away with saying any old hurtful thing; those things are remembered.
You both need to agree that if one needs to put the conversation on hold to calm down, the other needs to agree.
You also need to agree and realize your fights are not personal. How often do you tell her you love her, and reassure her that what you say in the heat of anger doesn’t mean you love her less? Same goes for her.
And you both have to compromise.
Are you sarcastic, btw? Sarcasm can be very hurtful if the person is not used to it.
Once you agree, really truly agree, on all of this stuff, you might be able to move forward. Bickering all the time sounds like misery to me. Our fights are incredibly rare and we’ve been together almost fourteen years now.
Seriously, relationships need work. Too many people, men and women, believe they are easy. Women have to accept that romance will not enter their lives each and every day. Men have to accept that romance needs to be in a relationship, even if it’s not flowers and candy.
Beyond that, I don’t really have a good grasp on your relationship. It is hard over a message board. But you cannot take a good relationship for granted. Neither can you demand more of it than it is able to give. Both of you need to come together on this.
I thought he was overbearing and abusive, like hers- She is going to court to change her name to her mother’s side’s name today, actually.
I can be sarcastic- but fairly rarely. I am usually the calm one. She says the things that she has agreed not to keep saying, but it is hard for her to maintain- again, it’s one of her goals, while mine are to listen and not react negatively, and not be abusive, either to her, or to myself (ie; substances), among other things.
The thing is, that while she can be a bit ‘out of control’ emotionally from time to time- she is a steady rock compared to my last relationship! Of course, the comparison isn’t valid at all, because she isn’t a habitual abuser of me, drugs, alcohol, etc, plus mental health issues…
I tell her I love her love her love her all the time, and she does as well. And we are usually able to get past the fighting, eventually- but it is the learning to put on the breaks that needs to happen, for sure!
But what I am used to is the absolute dichotomy of either absolute abuse and enduring it, or just not having relationships at all- this whole communication thing is like relearning high school stuff- which is why I am appealing here. Thank you!
Oh, and she also told me I was horribly mispronouncing your ‘name’…
Ok, she needs to calm down. You didn’t say how old you were both were, but most of the time calm comes with age…took me a while. I come from DRAMA and I got used to it. And my SO comes from a totally calm place so he had to learn how to deal with someone more high-strung - but I felt he was waaaaay too serious and reserved in important things.
My mom was the overbearing and abusive one. Not that my dad didn’t have his share, and he did some of the shouting too, but my mom ruled the roost.
How were you pronouncing my name? What ethnicity are you, btw? Your username sounds like it could go either way. Did she tell you how to pronounce it properly? Not that I care.
