Relationships after divorce

Considering one of us has been divorced and the other is talking hypothetically what he would do…I’ll let you make the call on who can relate to your boyfriend better.

Two years ago, my ex-wife and I split up due to her infidelity and unwillingness to give it up to work on our relationship. In an act of “revenge” (trying to show her I could find someone else too), I started dating WAY too soon. I met an incredibly awesome girl right off the bat, someone 1000 times more compatible with me than my ex had been. And for about 6 months, I put that poor girl through hell because I wasn’t ready to be dating yet. I was hurt, broken, bitter, angry. I focused on my ex WAAAAAY too much. I didn’t tell people about my new girl, because I was both ashamed that my marriage had failed and I was afraid of being judged poorly for dating so soon and hence ruining what few stable friendships I had left after the divorce. Every time the poor girl looked for some sort of reassurance that we were more than just a fling, I pushed her away and ran…but I couldn’t deny the incredible spark and vitality between us, and we always ended up together again, only to break up again.

Time heals all things though. About eight months after my wreck of a divorce, I was finally able to see what an ass I was being, and vowed to stop running like a scared rabbit at any sign of commitment. Strangely, as soon as I did, the troubles between the two of us vanished. We’ve spent the last year dating exclusively, and growing happier and happier with each other every day. I finally got past my anger and hurt caused by my ex, and now happily introduce her to everyone and anyone as my love. It still took over a year to get to that point.

Crazy as it sounds, I’ve been told (professionally, by my therapist) that I deal with hurt and things a lot faster than others tend to. My therapist said I have an honest ability to step back outside of my feelings and view things with logic and reason. And it STILL took me that long to get over the pain of my ex’s deceptions and infidelity. One of my best friends went through nearly the exact same thing that I did, but a year earlier…he still hasn’t learned how to get through the hurt and the confusion that his divorce caused. All this is to say that two years isn’t that long of a time, especially if he is still in daily contact and spending time with his ex. He may feel it’s best for his kid, but it it most likely keeping him from healing. No wound heals if its constantly prodded.

One last aside, I also have kids with my ex. I do call them every night, see them one night a week and every other weekend. In the very beginning I tried doing what your guy is doing, but I quickly found that I couldn’t take the constant reminder that my ex was with someone else (she moved the guy in two days after I left), and that my kids didn’t need me there constantly to know that I loved them and thought about them all the time. I didn’t introduce my girlfriend to them immediately, but her compatibility with them was a key importance to our continuing relationship. They adore her, by the way. :slight_smile:

Well, not to put to fine a point on it, but you probably are excluded. From what I’ve observed from my friends who are divorced and in their 30s, the whole process seems to fuck them up a bit. I don’t know if it’s the whole ending of what was supposed to be a lifetime commitment, the months of extracating each other from your circles of friends and family or if it is the legal crap that surrounds it. But it does seem to make them somewhat bitter and jaded. I also imagine there is a strong feeling of resentment that they wasted so much time with one person when they could have been out having fun.

They not only may not be emotionally ready to commit, but they might no longer even believe in the concept. IOW, either intentionally or not, your boyfriend may be content to casually date (that is to say “have sex with you on a regular basis”) but is not willing to take a risk on getting any closer.

Don’t fall for this “MY KIDS ARE THE MOST HOLY PRECIOUS THINGS ON THE EARTH. I LIVE ONLY TO SERVE THEM.” crap.

Look, I’m a Dad and I love my kids but they don’t always come first. Sometimes my (Hypothetical) GF comes first and sometimes the kids come first. It all depends on the situation.

Any guy who can’t discern between the two isn’t worth your time IMHO.

Oh, and that whole bit about not “seeing” anyone made my head explode.

^^^ This…is very telling.

Wow, thanks everyone for being so candid and insightful.

PunditLisa, your post really makes me think. It’s not that I haven’t thought about some of those things, because I have, but in more of a, “I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it,” shallow sort of way. Didn’t realize that the sleeping with the ex-spouse is so common, but as someone who has certainly done the booty-call with her ex before, I can certainly see why.

lezlers, thanks for the offer of support!

Woeg, that’s a really helpful perspective from the other side.

I’m going through a pretty depressing time right now being unemployed and all, and I’m thinking I might be more patient with the pace if everything else in my life were running smoothly. That not being the case, I’m trying to avoid trying to run everything else, including this relationship, with an iron fist in some seizure of control-anxiety.

He did just give me keys to his apartment yesterday. Maybe I can take that a measure of commitment and continue to let things gel.

I also was slow to introduce my girlfriend to my three kids. It was at least six months after we started seeing each other and then it was occasional before it became common.

My ex-wife, however, moved her boyfriend of three weeks into her apartment with the kids and they got to watch him get kicked out about two months later. The next one was on the heals of the first and he also started to live-in pretty fast.

I didn’t want my kids to keep getting attached to someone and then have to deal with their loss as the relationship breaks up. I didn’t want them to go through a continuous series of mini-divorces.

Between she and I, I think I had the better method.

On the other hand, some of the other things you’ve said bother me. To me, it sounds like he’s too involved with his ex-wife under the guise of “parenting”. If you were to be married to him, you have the right and reasonable expectation to be first in his life. As you transition to that place, while you date, you should see the balance moving to put you and your relationship first. In my opinion, you should even be put in a place above his kids eventually. Man and wife comes before children, IMO.

I think you two need to talk about your role as he sees it and as you see it. Both with respect to his ex-wife and his children.

My girlfriend (6 years now) did not get to meet my kids until about a year after we started dating. I didn’t want them to get attached to anyone who might not be around, and I was smart enough to realize that no matter how much I believed this one was “the one”, that belief means pretty much nothing. Time tells, everything else is bs.

Also, I wanted to keep my 2 lives (with the kids, not with the kids) seperate. Easier that way, and it was hard enough to get some semblance of normalcy.

I always thought people coming out of a divorce have no business getting too exuberant over their next relationship (and Lord do they get exuberant). Their track record provably sucks, so shut up and let’s see how things are a year or two from now. I felt that went for me too. So I was slow telling people about my new love. It had no bearing on how strongly I felt about it.

My ex hit on me hard a few times after the divorce. It was the easiest thing ever to say no - there being exactly zero temptation.

If your guy is worth a damn it’ll feel like his kid always comes first. First because he should actually make an effort to spend as much time with his kid as possible, second because those times will be especially noticeable to you - as they intrude into what is “normal” life for both of you. Understand that he is likely still struggling with how to properly divide his attention between you and his kid, and anytime he feels that he’s taking time from the kid to be with you will likely make him feel bad/edgy/guilty. This fades over time.

The “family time” stuff will gradually fade to the bare basics - the kid’s birthday, and not much more - as every one gets used to the new reality. That was the case for me at least.

Finally, when he’s with you he better be spending a lot of attention on you.

I decided long ago to never date anyone who had been divorced less than a year (and preferably longer), and not to ever again be the first relationship after a divorce. There is a pretty good possibility that he’s still dealing with issues from his divorce (especially if he’s spending that much time with his ex), and is just “testing the waters” as far as another relationship. That may not be true in this case, but be prepared. It happened to me a couple of times before I learned.

I don’t find it terribly odd that you haven’t met his kid yet. I don’t think I totally agree with the common aversion to any child ever knowing that their single parent dated, but I certainly wouldn’t want someone that might not be there forever to get involved with my kid.

I think it’s a little strange that his ex doesn’t know, unless she’s a PBFH*, which is not true from what you’ve said. However, I can see that as ‘avoiding complications’ until he’s confident in your relationship.

It seems very odd that he’s lying to his parents. That’s a bad sign. Every person I dated that lied to others about our relationship (and there were a couple; I’m a slow learner) ended up being bad news.

I’d say you definitely need to talk to him and clear the air. And somewhere in there, you need to assess your personal situation and what you’re willing to live with. See the previous comments about living as a step-parent, for example.

*Psycho Bitch From Hell

Are we dating? Just kidding.

He’s keeping you a secret until he can figure out a way to tell the ex-wife without her getting weird on him. I’m also willing to bet that SHE hasn’t met anyone yet. He’s trying to be the nice guy, and it’s not working out that well. Here’s where you come in. say to him, “Listen, we’re dating for 6 months now. Please tell your ex-wife that we’re together.” The kids are going to be a different matter. Let the two of them figure out the right time to introduce you into their lives. Maybe you can be the friend that shows up to everything first. Or make cookies for them, and make sure it’s mentioned you’re the one that made them (“My friend Chickie made these for you guys.”) And eventually, when you’re introduced you’re not just some new person, you’re the Cookie Lady. Not a bad way to endear yourself to the kids.

My mother in law and step father in law - both divorced - lived together almost twenty years, kept separate finances - I’m not sure that they labeled their books, but I wouldn’t be surprised. Both had messy divorces. They finally got married after twenty years and started doing things like combining finances - at least a little. But it was insane - two people who’d been together decades working out the check for dinner to the last penny because neither wanted to put more into the relationship than they got out if they wanted to bolt. And these are two people who really are quite well suited for each other - but for twenty years kept saying ‘I can’t trust him/her not to leave.’

I think the key drivers are the short distance from the divorce to now (it’s going to take time for his sense of what is normal to dissolve) and the age of the kid.

I was in your position only gender-reversed. Mrs P was (when we met) getting over a hideous divorce, but a couple of years had passed. Her kids were 4 and 6, and she was (sensibly) VERY protective of them (understandably so).

While I met them early on, there were no sleepovers for the grownups while the kids were around until our status was well settled. (Paying babysitters was a huge expense for us :slight_smile: ) But just because I met the kids early on doesn’t mean that’s everyone’s resolution of this issue.

We didn’t move in together for about 7 years, although of course by that time it was clear to all including the kids we were an established item.

We’ve been together about 18 years now.

Wow are you following my life? Hmmm lemme go down the data points;

Married at 19 divorced at 30? check.

Fucked up and jaded just a little bit? check.

Angry at essentially wasting my youth on that … her? check.

Never being monogamous again? check.

Who knows, I may settle down with someone, but not any time soon. I honestly do not want any more kids, or to be married again. I’ll live in sin with her but no actual marriage. I can’t see how anyone would want to do it again in this day and age.

ETA: It’s also been two and a half years since the divorce, and I’ve had a serious girlfriend in between then and now.