I’d like this to not turn into a debate but please provide me your opinions on how likely a relationship between the two people described below would be, and if you have any personal experience please contribute of you want
Him, Very non-observant Jewish man. does not attend services reguarly, does not fast on the High Holy Days, Has forgotten how to read Hebrew, Eats pork, Works on the Sabbath, is a member of The Straight Dope
Her Belongs to a Calvery Chapel congreation, tries to attend church every Sunday when she has transportation there. Prays to Jesus, listens to Michael W Smith, Third Day and other Christian groups besides Country, and Pop music, may become a member of the Straight Dope
The Him is me and Her is a woman who I met, who I have feels for that are unlike any feelings I have ever had. We both get along fabously. We spend a weekend together and she said a few times that she had an amazing time. We have so many things in common the hamsters would have an absoulte fit if I listed them all. The only stumbling block is our religious differences. One minute she says she wants a relationship with someone who believes in JC the next she says I wouldn’t want a relationsip with her. She is the coolest person I met. While I said I don’t have a strong attachment to my religion I would never convert because I don’t want to give up my traditions and history, and I wouldn’t want to pretend to beleive in something I do not.
I know you can choose who you love, but can’t choose who loves you and wars have started of religious differences but when I’m with her I feel that I would do anything to make her happy. She wants to be special friends and while I would like her as a friend, I’m not able to deny and I don’t want to deny what I feel towards her. I can say with 98% certanity that this is not an infatuation with her, and I do love her.
I have a friend who is furvently anti organized religion, he dated a liberal methodist girl, and though religion wasnt the main reason for the breakup it did prove fairly central. If you are serious about religion it could be prudent to consider religion… In any case, you know that talk will come up and eventually youd get to know her to the point of nitty-gritty religionness and IMO youd get into a fight, and it might go to poop. But who can say for sure?
You know what though, in any case I say go for it. I dont believe in eternity in relationships, I think the feeling of ‘failure’ sometimes felt after a breakup is the wrong attitude. You had good times, those moments are your successes. If it ends, it ends, live and let die I say. Enjoy it as much as you can. At the end of the relationships youve got those sweet as moments bagged that are completly unique to the experience you will have with that individual.
Well, my dad came from an orthodox Jewish family and my mom came from a Roman Catholic one - and they’re nearly at the 50th wedding anniversary mark.
But, I hasten to add, the rumor is my dad only got through his Bar Mitzvah because his older brother was holding up phonetic cue cards for him to read, and mom has heretical notion that probably would have resulted in her being burned as witch a century earlier. I wouldn’t describe either as devout anything.
Regardless of what you may or may not convert to, rest assured the rest of the world will still consider you Jewish whether you want them to or not, and certainly my nieces and nephews, although being raised in nominally Christian households, are still well aware of their Jewish heritage and at least some of the traditions at two generations remove.
And, by the way - I’m Pagan and my husband is Southern Baptist. 12 happy years of marriage and counting.
So mixed-religion marriage CAN work - but they don’t always.
The thing is, you girlfriend sounds seriously committed to her religion. You need to have a nitty-gritty talk about this, since it’s so important to you, perhaps with a minister along now and again. Some Christians feel they HAVE to marry a Christian, others don’t (like my husband). MOST Christian denominations don’t require it, at least not these days, but there’s usually some pressure for the non-Christian to convert. And the Christians want any kiddies that happen to join their club.
You need to discuss all this before you talk long-term relationships or marriage. And stick to your guns about not professing a belief you don’t hold sincerely. Lieing is a Bad Thing in relationships, and occassionally folks need a gentle reminder about that.
Broomstick brings up an important point – children. I don’t know how old you are, Manny, or whether this is an issue, but if it might be, you need to go in with your eyes open. I, for instance (before I met Mrs. Cliffy) wouldn’t have been averse to dating someone with strong religious views other than my own, but there’s no way I’m willing to let my children be raised anything other than what I am.
I’ve expressed this opinion before, and will express it again:
I think a mixed relationship CAN work out fine, provided that at LEAST one partner doesn’t take his/her religion all that seriously.
Consider 3 scenarios involving hypothetical Catholic Patrick Murphy and Jewish Ellen Rubnstein.
If Patrick is a tepid Catholic who goes to Mass twice a year, and Ellen is a secular Jew who only goes to the synagogue for relatives’ weddings or bar mitzvahs, I see no reason they couldn’t live happily ever after. Even if they have kids, I figure they’ll “compromise” by raising the kids with the trappings of both faiths and the substance of neither (i.e. a Christmas tree AND a token menorah in December).
If Patrick is a devout Catholic and Ellen is a secular Jew, things CAN work out, provided that Ellen is willing to defer on religious matters (i.e. she doesn’t mind if the kids are baptized and go to MAss with Dad every week) and Dad knows better than to try to preach to Mom. Or, if Pat is just a nominal Catholic and doesn’t mind having the boys circumcised and bar mitzvahed to make Bubby and Zadie happy… things should work out fine.
BUT… if Patrick is a devout Catholic and Ellen is an observant Jew, I think they’d be ill-advised to get seriously involved. They may both be wonderful people, they may both have a host of wonderful qualities, they may genuinely adore each other… but if they take their respective faiths seriously, it would be a huge mistake for them to get married.
I don’t say a couple has to agree on everything (politically, my wife and I agree on virtually nothing!), but they ought to share basic fundamental values. If your religion is one of those values, I think it’s a bad idea to commit your life to someone who doesn’t share them.
Catholic though I am, I HAVE had a few massive crushes on Jewish women in the past (though I’ve never actually dated one). So, it’s not as if I can’t understand the attraction. I just think acting on the attraction would have been a mistake.
I am a very observant Baha’i (which entails daily prayer, gathering with other community members for worship, and a once-a-year 19 day fast), my hubby is an atheist. How’s that for mixed? We just celebrated our 14th anniversary. It works because we have agreed to respect one another’s points of view. There is also a Baha’i prayer specifically for women whose husbands are non-believers, and I say it frequently, and he knows I say it frequently. Because my faith’s views are mainly conservative, and he is conservative, he has no problem with the kids being raised Baha’i. He likes the fact that one cannon declare devotion to the faith until age 15. He figures it gives 'em a chance to figure things out for themselves!
In short, respect and agreeing to disagree are key. We have open, intelligent discussions about our beliefs, but never get hostile or mean about it.
Best of luck!!
Airman is Roman Catholic, and I’m Jewish. Neither of us practices our respective religions, although we identify strongly. (There’s a difference.)
I think what makes a mixed relationship work is that there has to be a basic respect for the belief system of each person. I don’t insist that Airman become Jewish, and Airman doesn’t insist that I become Catholic. I have been to Mass with him (when he graduated from basic training), but we have yet to go to synagogue. He does tease me a bit about being Jewish, but he cares so much about the religion thing that he married me.
As for Aaron, I don’t think that we’re going to have any formal religious education for him. I would like to see him grow up with a sense of who he is and where his family came from, but I don’t think that insisting that he go through formal religious instruction is necessary.
Everyone has given good thoughts, and I don’t have a lot to add, except that I think your girlfriend is the one who is most likely to have trouble with this relationship, so make sure she really knows what things will be like, is willing to live with who you are, and isn’t secretly hoping deep down inside that you’ll See The Light someday. I presume, btw, that you’ve seen the enormous thread in GD on this topic from sometime last month? You may want to read it if you haven’t already.
Norinew, question: what constitutes a fast for a Baha’i? Because in my religion, when we fast we generally go without food or liquid, and I’m presuming you must do it differently, or there would be a lot fewer Baha’is in the world. So how does that work, exactly?
I’m Jewish, my husband is an ex-Catholic-turned more Buddist than probably anything else. It works because I’m not very observant, but I am spiritual, and he’s about the same. We have different beliefs in dieties, but we believe the same thing about behaviours. We had a few conversations, not never a conflict over what we believe. We respect the other’s ideologies and leave it at that. We have a menorah and a christmas tree, and any children we have will learn as much as possible about all religions and be allowed to choose what they want.
genie, the fast constitutes no food or liquid from sunup to sundown. Children under 15, adults over 75, pregnant and nursing women, and people who engage in heavy physical labor are exempted, as are, interestingly enough, women who aer menstruating. The fast is not to be followed if there is some medical reason it might harm you (for instance, if you’re diabetic, it wouldn’t be a good idea). Example: because I get frequent kidney stones, it’s important for me to keep well hydrated; so I do drink water during fasting hours. In our faith, legitimate advice from a qualified medical personnel overrides anything written in the Holy Book.
Aha. Thank you, that clears it up nicely. Ours are quite similar, actually, except that they are usually 24 hours. You would start, say, Saturday evening, and not eat or drink until Sunday evening–for the duration of the fast. So I was imagining you abstaining from food for 19 days straight, which obviously wouldn’t work. (We also do the medical exemptions, and I too drink water during fasts, for similar reasons.)
