Here’s more of the Rhymer family epic, but with very little drama. I’m basically just looking for feedback.
The person moving in with us isn’t technically a relative. It’s my son’s half-sister, “Liz.” She’s not my daughter: more like an especially beloved niece. At a family get-together over the weekend, my wife, **Kim the Rhymer **& I learned that Liz wants to move out of her apartment, as she has decided to leave her loser boyfriend behind. (Everyone who heard this announcement said “Thank God.”) Hearing that Liz’s plan was to rotate sleeping on the couches of various girlfriends, Kim and my sisters all objected. Kim pointed out that we have a room that we’re not using and to which Liz is more than welcome.
Up to this point, the story bothers me not a whit. I love Liz, she and Kim get along famously; she was very helpful when Kim was ill earlier this year,and she’s at my house 2-3 nights out of the week anyway.
Anyway…yesterday, while I was at work, Liz, Kim, my father, & one of my sisters got together to gather her meagre possessions and move them in. My sister also decided that Liz needed a lesson in financial management, so they sat down and worked out a budget, which Liz showed me when I got home last night. I glanced at it. She’s buying her own food & necessities, and compensating for gas when we give her rides: fine & good. She wants to pay $200 in rent. NOT good.
It’s not that I think Liz is paying too little; I think she’s paying too much. She’s working a minimum wage job. I can’t believe she’s grossing more than $600 a month. I’d like her to put more money aside for herself; $100 a month or less in rent seems fine to me, and if she ever wanted to skimp or even skip, I wouldn’t care. My father agrees with me, and strenuously; he considers Liz his granddaughter in all but blood, and thinks it’s wrong to charge her as much as a cent. Kim & my sister, contrariwise, both think that if Liz wants to pay, I should let her. I mentioned in private to Kim that I could put the money in a separate account for Liz and give it to her when she’s ready to move out; Kim replies that that is borderline dishonest and that I’m missing the point: that Liz wants & needs to be more autonomous.
If she wants to pay rent, accept it graciously. She’s an adult. I know that it’s important to my self-respect to feel like I’m pulling my own weight; she may well feel the same way. It seems condescending to reject that.
I think your idea of setting the money aside is a great idea. It could be important to her to feel she isn’t a mooch. The amount of rent isn’t important. You could set it at $100, or $50. I’m sure she’ll feel better knowing she isn’t putting you out. It’s also important to set ground rules anyway, just in case.
Having been in Liz’s position at one point in my life (well a similar one, I was the loser boyfriend and I was being kicked out, but I digress) I think that if Liz wants to pay rent you should let her.
What you do with that rent, on the other hand, is your business. And if when she moves out you want to help her financially get on her feet with money that you have saved up…I don’t see any harm in that. I wouldn’t necessarilty tell her that you have been saving up her rent money, but that is a bridge you can cross later. But let her pay rent, it will help her self esteem which I suspect is in need of a bit of a boost at the moment anyway.
$200 doesn’t seem like much to me, but rents may be a lot lower in your neck of the woods. Los Angeles is more expensive than most places. If you think that the rent is too high, talk to her about it, but do let her have this.
There’s nothing dishonest (even borderline dishonest) about keeping the rent money aside and giving it back to her when she finds her own place. Why does Kim think it’s dishonest? Why does Kim think it would be undermining the effort to help your niece become more autonomous?
I think that the savings idea is a good one but I would tell her the truth and give her the option of banking it herself, having you bank it for her if she has a hard time saving or paying you rent if she feels strongly about it.
Save it and use it for her security deposit when she is ready to go. At min wage, a security and last months rent is a huge obstacle. If you just take it and use it, she will never be able to move out on her own.
I’d say since she wants to pay it, let her. Save it for her and make it clear that if she’s having trouble paying, you’re willing to discuss changing it.
I had the same thought as you & Dolores about the end of your first paragraph. I don’t see anything dishonest about it at all. Liz will be learning fiscal management and responsibility. In the end you will be rewarding that responsibility. Win-win.
Kim’s argument is that putting the money in a separate account is simply not accepting it while pretending to. She said it would be like her making out with the mailman while I’m out of town; just because I don’t find out doesn’t change the fact that she’s cheating. She also feels that I’d be undercutting Liz’s autonomy by not accepting any rent at all, and while she’s willing to go along with what I decide, she says I just don’t get it.
ETA: It just seems to me that I’m adding hardship to Liz’s life by charging her a penny, and she’s had enough hardship.
Check your laws. Think of the worst case scenario, even if it does not look like that will ever happen now. Things happen.
The worst case is something goes horribly wrong and you want her out asap.
Consider this: Instead of calling her a “tenant” call her a “boarder.” Instead of calling her payment “rent” call it a “license fee.” Make a very simple signed document to this effect.
I say keep half as rent - I mean, hell, she can pay her share of utilities. Keep the rest for her - secretly. It doesn’t teach you anything about managing your finances if you Pay Rent But Not Really. Let it be a surprise.
I can kind of see where Kim’s coming from. Handled poorly it can come across as very patronizing, “Look at you! All grown up and pretending to pay rent, just like a responsible adult! There, there, here’s your money back. Want a lolly?”
I’d accept it, and not go to the bother of setting up a separate account, but I’d earmark $200 * months as a getting (re)started gift. As circumstances warrant, that gift might be more or less, because it’s your money up to that point.
$200 a month sounds like it will be a real strain on her budget though - I think she’d be better off paying less in rent and having a more realistic budget in other areas.
I’m betting that your niece is one of those people who hate to be obligated, and who feel awful about mooching. I suspect it is important to her to pay rent. If she can’t afford it, you can always cut it for her. So, accepting a penny or something would make her feel awful about herself. Plus, once she gets settled, it will be much easier for her to live on the budget she has become adjusted to, with rent.
She can always refuse your gift when she moves out. She can always take some of it. This way, she has an option.
Kim is thinking about this wrong. You aren’t pretending to accept the money, you ARE accepting the money. But for you it’s free money. What are you going to do with it, have fancy dinners out every month? To me it seems totally reasonable to use that money to continue to help her get on her feet. Giving her a start up gift when she moves out is a good thing to do regardless of if she is paying rent or not, (and be honest, you were probably going to give her some cash when she moved out anyway, right?) why not use that free money to help you do that?
Also, I like Zsofia’s suggestion of using some of the money for extra house expenses that you will have while she is staying there. And you are going to want to keep it in a seperate account anyway just for that. It will earn interest while she is staying with you which will help Liz also, and it will keep it from seeming like you are lying about taking the money in Kim’s eyes. Again, the extra is free money. your might as well spend it on Liz.
On this particular point I agree with you and not your wife. If the account is in your name then it’s money you’ve accepted, Liz has paid rent and her wishes are met. But when you try to give the money back to her it’s really now a gift from you to her, and one that she is free to decline.
If someone has just had a relationship breakup and is in a minimum wage job and is struggling to find accomodation, they’re probably quite emotional at present.
I would take the money, because it shows you are treating her as an responsible adult.
If all goes well, then when she moves out you can offer a gift (as others have said, to be declined if she chooses).
If things go wrong (hopefully they won’t), you will still have the money.