I have already applauded her suggestion, which is much smarter than anything I had thought of. I can only take solace in having a bigger dick than her, and, for obvious reasons, even that is cold comfort.
Except she does too much of that when she visits now. I don’t mind her cleaning up after herself or common areas, but it feels squicky when she, say, irons my clothes and shines my shoes; when she helping out during Kim’s troubles, she seemed to feel obliged to do that. I don’t like her thinking she has to earn her way into the family.
Ahem. Consider, darling, that she might just like helping people as much as her Uncle Skald does.
ETA: Y’know, not to suggest that you’re A Good Guy, or anything. I’m sure you only like helping people so that you can datamine their computers for spam emails and flying monkey directions.
Just out of curiosity: When was the last time you told her that you love her unconditionally? That she’s somewhere between being your niece and your daughter in your heart. I know it’s against the Evil Guy code to bring things like that up, but if you don’t - she might keep trying to earn her way into the family. And then you’ll be feeling squicky, even when you’re sending out the flying monkeys with the flaming poo.
ETA: Maybe you need to let her pull the lever to the alligator pit. I hear it works with granddaughters.
I think it’s entirely reasonable for a working adult (presuming Liz is out of school) to have to pay at least a token amount toward running the household, in addition to contributing to general household upkeep and chores. It’ll make her feel like a contributing member of the family, and less like a dependent. It’s an excellent lesson in financial management.
If, given what you know of her financial situation, 200 sounds like too much (though it sounds like wife and Liz felt it was sufficient), I think it would be dandy to put some of that aside to be used to help her at some point in the future. Don’t feel like a skinflint if you keep a little though, there are at the least extra utilities involved in having an additional household member (not much, admittedly).
I’d bet it’s important to Liz’s pride to be able to contribute to the expenses.
The reality is that she isn’t doing anything she wouldn’t do if it were her her own household. In her own household she’d be paying rent or doing someone else’s laundry(if she had a boyfriend/husband) who was sharing the rent with her. You can afford to subsidize her at this point, but as others have pointed out, the less of that she gets the more self reliant she will be when she’s ready to step out on her own again. One of my best friends is a really bright guy(near perfect score on the SAT, full ride to college, law school, has his own practice, etc.) but is a TOTAL bonehead when it comes to practical matters. My favorite example was when he pulled into an Exxon to fill up the car and he only had his Mom’s Chevron credit card to pay with. The attendant let him leave his driver’s license while he drove home(less than half a mile) to get the money(his mom’s Exxon card actually). During his time as an “adult” he’s still been on his parent’s car insurance policy(he’s 32), his in-laws provide childcare, and his wife carries the family insurance from her position as an instructor at a state junior college. Bright the guy may be, but all his life he’s been shielded from the practical aspects of life. Parents drove him everywhere or loaned him cars(he wrecked three while he was in HS, and has wrecked two more, parent-provided, cars since). There’s just a lot of stuff he’s never taken ownership of in his life. I love the guy like a brother, but he’s never shown half the common-sense acumen your niece has. She understands that even when someone else is footing the actual bill, you should contribute like it was a critical responsibility for you. This is laudable and should be encouraged. If her budget does not include savings, re-negotiate it with her to make sure it does.
As for your specific question, take the money, keep it in a rainy day account. If you’re impressing on her the value of saving money, the best thing you can do is live that example. CDs, high yield savings, that sort of thing. Maybe you can use it to start “Unca Skald’s Scholarship Fund for Deserving Great-Nieces and Nephews” and it can come full circle at some point. But what she’s offering is what comes from having a wise and great heart, and should not be denied. A wise man once said “Truly I say to you that this poor widow has put in more than all: for all these out of their abundance have put in offerings to God, but she our of her poverty has put in all the livelihood that she had.” Rent hurts, that’s a fact of life. If she’s coasting(as my sisters who moved back in with my mom are) on someone else’s dime, that reflects poorly on her. Having the fortitude to say “I’m going to make as reasonable a rent payment as possible, even though I don’t have to” is admirable. Would that my sisters felt the same way your niece does.
This is a good idea. If she thinks she needs to learn financial autonomy, let her experience budgeting and paying rent. Save it up without telling her, and when she moves out she can experience a lesson in generosity. Don’t spoil the lesson by telling her before she moves out. The rent is your money, you have no obligation to tell her what you plan to do with it, so it isn’t dishonest to hold it back for whatever purposes you deem fit.
I like this tweaking of Shayna’s idea. She pays you rent, she puts money in the bank account for herself, she feels like she is contributing (which, as an adult, she should be, regardless of how much you can afford).
I agree with those saying don’t put it aside as a surprise for her. That’s not how life works, and Liz apparently knows it. Having you match her savings is a great lesson in generosity and reality - the more she contributes, the more she gets. That’s a lesson worth learning.
You haven’t mentioned any other rules you are putting together for this arrangement. I know from experience that having family move in is stressful in ways you haven’t even thought of yet (Liz brings guys home, Liz doesn’t come home without calling, Liz plays loud music, Liz keeps moving your dish sponge, you and Kim can’t get freaky in the living room any longer, etc.). While discussing paying rent and matching savings and stuff, I’d suggest having a ground rule conversation at the same time, including how long she expects to stay with you.
I’d say sit down with her and discuss the budget, and help her think about savings in that budget. Can you roll the food and rent into one amount and call it room and board? Seems like that would be easier to keep track of, too, instead of her buying her own food. Then take maybe half that and keep it for her for later. You can always rethink the situation as things develop. But right now she needs to do this, for her own self-esteem and personal pride. In the meantime you can work on her feelings about earning your love while she’s living with you.
I agree with the majority that if she wants to pay rent you should accept it. What i am wondering is how much rent she was paying when living with loser boyfriend?
It appears that she was handling all of the rent while living with Loser Boyfriend. In checking the rental listings for apartments in your area, I see that a low end, 1BR apartment starts at about $450 per month, only water included. With utilities and a phone (and this is forgoing cable and internet), add another $150-200 a month. Even with a roommate, she would be paying more than the $200 she’s paying to you.
If it makes a difference, most of us working class folks who live by ourselves do pay 1/3 of our monthly incomes in housing, so even when she gets a better job, that much probably won’t change. Best to learn the realities of the budget now…it’s an invaluable lesson she likely wouldn’t learn being given a free ride.
Other than that, what **Shayna ** said.
(But it is nice that UncaStepDaddySkald is looking out for her )
They all know that story. Liz’s move came up when people were avoiding the group intervention/not-quite-exorcism my uncle was conducting for for my first-cousin-once-removed’s soul. I thought I’d spare you guys that story.
[gratuitous anti-right-wingnut flashback]
I’m sure I can scare up a penis for you if you want a transplant. I see no reason Ann Coulter should be allowed to keep hers any longer, for example. Shall I get to snipping?
[/gratuitous anti-right-wingnut flashback]
I have the sense that she was paying everything, and getting overwhelmed and dipping into savings accumulated from grandparent gifts/etc, but didn’t want to tell me. I don’t think either Kim or my little sister were hugely surprised by this turn of events. It’s entirely possible – no, probable – that she would have told them she was having difficulty long before she told me or my older sister, as she would have been afraid of getting lectured or seeming a disappointment.
Ye gods, man. Have I ever posted ANYTHING that implies I am suffciently emotionally healthy to talk about my feelings of love to someone’s FACE?
