Relatives Who Attempt to Dress Your Children

In My Humble Opinion
1

My Aunt’s always buying clothes for my kids - which is, in principle, a nice thing.

But I don’t like her taste in styles, I don’t like the colors she picks, and I especially don’t like the fact that she presents these clothes just prior to family gatherings with instruction that they should wear them immediately. Such as at my other relative’s daughter’s birthday party (for which I’d dressed the kids in play clothes) (because it was…a party! at a skating rink!).

At the time I’ve been caught off guard so it’s just like “Oh, that’s nice, new clothes!” but then later I realize - “Hey, why should they have had to change clothes? Hey! She doesn’t think the clothes I put them in are good enough!”

So a couple of weeks ago she gave my daughter a dress as a Christmas gift - it’s one of those nauseatingly pink Disney things w/Ariel stitched on the front. We’re talking PINK.

It’s so pink, that sucker glows.

My instructions are that my daughter is to wear this (and the coordinating brown pants w/tiny pink hearts) at the upcoming Family Holiday Gathering (this branch of the family meets in January). :rolleyes:

The other little girl in the family was given the same gift and instructions.

I just think it’s rude.

It also ticks me off because Aunt leaves my son out of this - she doesn’t buy him as many clothes and they’re not as nice as the ones she picks out for my daughter (she’s purchased the same exact swim trunk shorts twice, just not paying attention) (he noticed, btw).

He didn’t receive an Ariel dress, obviously - in fact, his Christmas gift outfit doesn’t match his twin sister’s at all. Red shirt and grey/green camouflage pants.

Plus she’s just buying this crap at Meijer fercryinoutloud, that’s why the colors are so draining. They look cheap and shrinkly after one washing. Not a vast improvement from the Gymbo I find for cheap at OUAC!

ARRRGH!!

I’ll bring her dress to this gathering, but I have a trick up my sleeve - both my kids received hand-made crowns and capes (I have some talented girlfriends!) from Santa. So if daughter is going to be a princess, then son shall be king.

And I tell you what, I’m not dressing them in those outfits for the whole day. I’d already picked out really sharp items from the Children’s Place - little b&w houndstooth print sweater vest for him and exactly the same pattern in a pleated skirt for her! And with them wearing b&w (plus some red, picking up on a detail in their clothes) my husband and I can coordinate with them. Without looking totally ridiculous - I’m not putting all of us in houndstooth like that crazy Christian politician with his matching family - Huckabee! that was his name.

Oh!

I’m so worked up over this. :mad:

2

My kids don’t wear camo. I’m sure this makes me a snobby, stuck-up bitch, but I don’t care. I hate camo, and I’m not putting my kids in it, especially not for a holiday party where I already had special outfits picked out.

The gift of tacky clothing is one thing. You just say, “Oh, thanks, Aunt Myrtle! I’m sure Susie will just love showing off her new clothes at school,” or whatever, and then when Aunt Myrtle has departed, you take them back to the store if possible, or donate them to charity, or throw them in the play clothes pile, or whatever seems appropriate. Aunt Myrtle expecting you to haul your kids off to the nearest restroom and change them right now, immediately is more than a bit unreasonable. I think I would just politely say, “Oh, thanks so much for the clothes, Aunt Myrtle, but you know, I already picked out special outfits for the holiday party. I am sure we will find another occasion to wear these on, though! How thoughtful you are.” Or whatever. But be clear that you’re not going to drop everything and change your children’s clothing just because they got a gift of clothes. If she gets p.o.'ed about it, what’s the worst that could happen? She stops buying you gifts? This does not sound so bad to me.

3

Yet another reason why sometimes being a child can suck.

4

Simple solution: whatever the gift is, have your hubby wear it.

5

I understand your frustration, but I do think this is one of those things where, unless there are other extenuating circumstances, you should give her the benefit of the doubt on her motivations–there are two ways to look at this:

  1. Malice: she is a judgmental bitch who cringes inside whenever she sees your kids, she thinks you are a terrible mother and is just trying to fix the problem, and she doesn’t really care about your son, only your daughter.

  2. Cluelessness: she loves your kids and likes to give them things. Part of the joy of giving them is seeing them in the clothes, and it simply never occurs to her that you have your own plans, since you get to dress them all the time. And she loves both your kids equally but really likes girl clothes but think that boys clothing is meh.

Now, you know her and so can decide which it is, but don’t let your totally justifiable annoyance at her cluelessness push you into making inaccurate assumptions about her motivations. If she’s clueless, this is fixable. If she’s acting from malice (stuff in the first option), then you need to rethink the relationship because she’s a bad person. If she’s clueless but you treat it as malice, it will lead to resentment on both your parts and destroy a potentially good relationship.

The problem is that sometimes people (especially, IME, women), feel like they aren’t “allowed” to be frustrated/angry/annoyed if the other person is being clueless–like they should just suck it up if it isn’t meant as an insult–and so they are quick to find malice simply because that frees them to act. But then you get reciprocal anger/resentment on the other side. In these cases, it’s important to remember that even if it’s well intentioned, it’s okay to say something/redirect these requests.

I am not saying you are doing what I outline above (prematurely assuming malice). I don’t know you. I am just saying that it does happen, and it turns an isolated issue into a relationship issue. Given that, I’d give her the benefit of the doubt until I’d exhausted all other options. However, giving her the benefit of the doubt about her motives doesn’t mean you can’t say something. You should. You don’t even have to lie–just bring pictures of them in the outfits (on your phone or camera) and don’t bring the outfits themselves. You don’t even have to explain, but if she asks, say “oh, I had already picked these out.”

6

coffee - out - nose :stuck_out_tongue:

Yes, MsWhatsit - I know! I don’t intend to make him wear that at all. Lots of moms feel the same way about camo and I tend to agree.

I will do that, I will politely defer next time.

My Aunt is one to MAKE kids do what she wants, she’s very insistent. I’m insistent about Broad Principles of Behavior (don’t hit, don’t bite, etc) but only gently insistent on Trying New Foods and fairly lenient on Matters of Personal Expression. Such as clothes. Wear some. That’s my mantra. And also the reason why this is the first time I’ve bought matching holiday clothes since they were infants.

7

Some lady gave us a coat outfit for the niece. She never was put in it. It looked like some Victorian age outfit. I can’t even post a picture of this thing because it went to Saint Vincents. It had a fur hat. Fur trim on the coat and a couple other pieces. It wasn’t an antique outfit, because it was relatively new. It was probably a gift that nobody will wear and it just keeps making the rounds.

8

This seems rude to me. A gift-giver shouldn’t be giving the recipient “instructions” on what to do with the gift.

9

MandaJo I absolutely love your post. You are completely right. I have seen that, too, cluelessness mistaken for malice. I strongly agree with the principles you’re espousing.

This is the same Aunt who, 2 years ago, sent me a check for $500 with instructions that I was to buy the children “bedding” because “they’ll be embarrassed when their friends see their bedrooms, and when they see their friends’ bedrooms they’ll wonder why they don’t have nice things.”

Their bedrooms were bare because my twins were 3 years old at the time, so just 6 months’ removed from smearing poo on the walls (my kids were big into that); and my daughter had just been diagnosed with asthma, which is why I had (and still have) minimal fabrics in their bedrooms.

But my daughter has a beautiful Ariel mural on her wall (now that she’s ceased her muraling), and I painted a big Spiderman for my son.

This is also the Aunt who recently railed at my cousin’s daughter"s lack of manners (“She’s a spoiled brat!”) because the little girl wasn’t appropriately grateful after a daylong outing with Aunt. My cousin just had a baby boy, her daughter IS having problems with the change - and she’s 4.5 yrs old.

I don’t think I like my Aunt these days. I wish she’d change back into the cool chick I used to know.

10

Ops somehow the bleach ruined it. Bleach those outfits white and bring them to show her how bad they now look. :slight_smile:

11

Hm. Based on these stories, I don’t think I like your Aunt, either. Telling you to buy nice bedspreads so your children “could have nice things”? Good grief.

12

This works especially well when paired with a heartwarming story of how much the kids *loved *their new outfits and just *couldn’t wait *to put them on. Shame about the hot fudge.

13

:snort: You guys are gooooood.
That really has happened to a lot of the clothes she’s bought - paint, markers, grease spots, mildew. Clothes don’t fare well in this house, not with twin preschoolers and a domestically challenged mother.

That’s one reason I rarely bother with Fashion, I’d rather they have Fun!

14

I sympathize. My MIL has different tastes than I do. I think clothes are an expression of a kid’s personality, and she’s more a dockers-and-button-down type. I used to get a lot of these types of clothes until I explained to her that he has too many dressy clothes that never see the light of day or are worn only once, and that if she wants to give him clothes he really needs fleeces and jeans and a coat… Those kinds of things are universal and hard to get wrong. It doesn’t need to get confrontational, but I think it’s okay to say something.

15

Just say no.

You can do it.

You don’t have to explain that you had “already picked out these outfits.” You don’t have to explain anything. Your aunt is being unconscionably rude and controlling. Her behavior is totally inappropriate. And based on her comments about the bedding, I think she IS being malicious.

See, if she had said something like “now that the kids are a little older, I want to give you some money to help decorate their rooms,” then that would have been a really nice gesture. I think it can be okay to give a “gift with instructions” in some cases. There’s no criticism inherent in a gift presented like that. It doesn’t assume that you weren’t eventually going to make their rooms a little nicer yourself if you weren’t goaded. That whole bit about them being “embarrassed” is just cruel. That is definitely a negative comment on your parenting.

But there’s a little part of me that’s wondering “how bad was the kids’ bedding? Are they wearing clothes that really are inappropriate to family gatherings?” Is it worth taking another look at things? But if you say the bedding and clothes were okay, then I’ll gladly take your word for it, and just figure that your aunt is a judgmental controlling bitch.

16

Gah- grandma did this with DD (but not DS).

G’ma would take DD shopping and… all the clothes looked just like something G’ma would wear, only in minitarure. Big, flouncy, multi-layered shirts and silky oversized shirts with drippy sleeves and lots of lace edging for everything.

DD would wear them on occasion, but mostly they stayed in the closet until outgrown.
But, to add to the joy, with every shopping excursion, G’ma would give me a private lecture about how DD really did want to wear clothes like that , but I discouraged her with my anti-girly-girl attitude (which I was not aware that I had).

What to do? I do like polite people everywhere- say “Thank You” and try to make sure G’ma sees the clothes on occasion.

17

Oh, there’s some truth to that, too, Green Bean. I’m not super-conscientious about appearances, not myself nor my kids nor my car nor my house. I can’t stand filth, and I do know about “nice things”, but I have no desire to live in a museum-type home or worry about impressing people.

One time I did embarrass myself - my FIL and former wife were over for a visit and I spent all day cleaning the house. So it looked really good. But I forgot to get the babies dressed up - they were running around in old, faded onesies. It didn’t even occur to me until after my in-laws left.

So yeah, their bedrooms look nicer than they used to, it’s just kind of evolved as they’ve gotten older. Plain mattresses were essential when they just destroyed things, but they’ve outgrown that.

I also confiscated the scissors so my daughter can’t hack on her bangs anymore.

We probably have looked chaotic at times, as opposed to those families with the starched shirts and perfect hairbows - but honestly, that’s been our lives. Chaotic.

However, my not-quite-5-yr-olds can both read, add, subtract and multiply; they’re polite most of the time; they’re healthy and did well in preschool; they’ve played soccer and taken dance and racked up hundreds of hours at museums and parks and playgrounds. They paint and draw and make adorable sculptures with PlayDoh and Sculpey. And they have lots of friends.

That’s the best effort I can make.

18

The best plan, as others have said, is to thank her for the gift and ignore her instructions on how to use it.

But if you’re looking for a more active plan, buy her an outfit and tell her she has to wear it at an upcoming family event. Hopefully, she’ll get the message.

19

bwahaha, great idea :wink:

20

But I think giving someone an outfit and saying “Wear this to X occasion” is over the line.