Tricky situation at home (rather long)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Ugh. I don’t know what to do.

Background: My mother sees her older sister, my aunt, and my grandmother fairly often, since they’re close by (Aunt lives just a few blocks up from us, Grandmother’s about a 45 minutes drive away). They’re a close-knit family, but they get on each other’s nerves a lot.
About a week or so ago, my parents and I were in the middle of a fight–I was crying, a bit disheveled, and they were fuming. A knock comes on the front door; it’s Aunt and my younger cousin (a really, really sweet, kind-hearted girl), ready to take me out shopping–we’d arranged this date on Christmas Day a while back.

Mum answers the door, tersely snaps that I can’t go and shuts the door on them. Later on, I find out that my aunt phoned my grandmother in tears, who promptly hit the roof and bawled out my mother over the telephone. This, of course, makes us all feel so much better.

Cut to a few days afterwards. I’m working at the store when my younger cousin shows up at the till: “Hey, Kyth, we bought you some clothes when we went out shopping that day… why don’t you come over and try them on?”

I agree, and trudge over through the snowdrifts on my break. The clothes are fabulous–really elegant, stylish, sparkly accessories to match–and I’m thrilled with the gift.

Mum? Not so much.

She finds out, blows up at my aunt, and asks me–after I get home from a very uncomfortable and tense shift at work, worrying and fretting–to return the clothes. She emphasizes that it’s my decision, ultimately, so I do it out of respect for her.

In return, my aunt lets me into her basement, where I turn over the bag while she … well, says some rather hurtful things about my mom while I try to interrupt her and get the hell out of there. (In retrospect, I know I should’ve stood up at that point–I’m not proud of my behaviour during any of this.) She says I can use the clothes any time I want, and as far as I know they’re still sitting down there.

I don’t have any desire to go back there, but I really want to stay friends with my cousins and I don’t want to be part of my mum and my aunt’s argument. I don’t know what to do. :frowning:

2

What? They are using you as a tool to hurt each other. fumes

I’ve been there, OK? Not a hell of a lot you can do. If you think your mom is the type to listen to you, you can tell her flat out that what she’s doing is hurting you. Same as with your aunt.

But if your family is anything like mine, they won’t listen or understand. You’re automatically the “kid” so anything you say is either due to teen angst or unimportant.

Either way, just hang in there. And find outlets to try not to get stressed out. As for your cousins, if you are close to them it might not hurt to talk to them about it, and maybe see if they can drop a subtle hint to your mom.

And again, if your mom is the type to listen, you can also tell her that you don’t want to lose the friendship with your cousins just because of this.

Good luck, either way, sweetheart. I know how hard this is…I was one girl raised amongst three women and one man. I had the same situation.

3

Ugh, that sucks. :mad: :frowning: I could go through a whole list of who should’ve done what differently, but what’s done is done. I don’t understand what your mom hopes to accomplish by making you take the clothes back, and personally, I wouldn’t, but I can understand not wanting to get your mom even more upset. Sounds like the whole lot of them have failed to realize that they’re all adults now.

4

Everything Mika said and this:

Mom’s wrong. You’re being used by her to fight this battle. Maybe she thinks your Aunt and cousins are manipulating her through you, but my take is that they tried to do something nice for you without ulterior motive.

Whatever you do, don’t get caught up in telling mom anything that’s not true to cover anything. By that, I mean that in your shoes I’d go thank Aunt for the clothes and accept them. When mom asks, don’t make up something about buying them yourself or anything - tell mom you accepted a gift from your Aunt, and that she should respect that her sister and your cousin wanted to do that.

Maybe that sounds heavy handed, you’re in a tough spot though and sometimes the heavy hand is needed.

5

Standing up to parents is really, really difficult. You sound like a sweet kid and you don’t deserve this drama. But sometime you’re going to have to give Mum a reality check and tell her that her behavior is tearing you apart and that you won’t stand for it anymore.

It sounds like she’s jealous of the attention her sister is giving you, and she’s afraid it makes her look like she’s not a good provider for you. Acting like an immature brat makes her look a lot worse. Like Mr Bus Guy said, sometimes a heavy hand is needed.

6

Why don’t your parents want you to have the clothes?

How old are you?

Why would you cut off contact with your relatives? It sounds like you like them. Is your mother asking you to stop visiting with them?

7

It’s been 18 years since I’ve been in TO, and I know from a friend there that the housing prices were outrageous from the Montreal Exodus in the late 70s. But surely there’s some place you could afford to move into, even an efficiency. For the sake of your health and sanity, you need to put some physical distance between you and your mother. You can and certainly should stand up to her and tell her to fight her own battles, but that is much easier done when you aren’t dependent on her for food and shelter.

Vlad/Igor

8

Thanks for the advice and support, guys many hugs

Vlad, it’s not convenient for me to move out right now, with trying to pay off tuition and all, but I’m saving up money for a small bachelor apartment–hopefully in the fall, maybe winter…

To clarify: I love both my mom and my aunt very very dearly, and that’s why I don’t want to get caught between them. Mum sees the act of giving me clothes as Aunt trying to undermine her authority at home and get back at her for not letting me go out with them, while Aunt sees it as a gift and nothing more. I respect my mum, so I gave back the clothes, but it was really uncomfortable all around.

Mum does understand that it’s a tough position, and she’s supported me through this. I just want them to sort it out on their own and not use me :frowning:

9

My mother actually cut up a sweater that my paternal grandmother gave me for Christmas, presumably as a way to get back at my father, who she divorced after she had an affair. :confused:

Sometimes, parents are really fucked up people. As a kid (or rather, I take it, a young adult, but still living under the aegis of your mother) it isn’t your fault.

It is your problem, though. What you do–confront your mother, defy her wishes, succomb and fester until you are independent enough to move out, whatever–is your call, and you’re the only one who can make it, but remember that you didn’t create this situation, and while you may be (at this point) beholden to your parents’ issues, you don’t have to carry their anger/guilt/resentment/whatever along with you in respect to your relationship with your aunt and cousins, or anything else.

One thing you said particularly bothers me; “she [the aunt]… well, says some rather hurtful things about my mom while I try to interrupt her and get the hell out of there. (In retrospect, I know I should’ve stood up at that point–I’m not proud of my behaviour during any of this.)”

Your aunt may have been slightly out of line in making these comments to you and placing you in an implied position of having to agree/contest her comments (although her frustration clearly wasn’t directed at you), but there’s nothing about your behavior, as far as you’ve related, that is shameful or wrong. The simple fact is that you were given a gift and your mother used it as a way of displaying her resentment. It’s not your fault, and not your place to defend, apologize, or otherwise mitigate her actions, except insofar as you want to ease family tensions for your own sake.

I don’t usually respond to these kinds of threads–I’m probably the last person to say anything on the matter of familial relationships and that kind of stuff–but this strikes a chord with me; perhaps one more dramatic than the situation calls for, but nonetheless it brings up memories of being caught between a vindictive mother, her string of degenerate lowlife boyfriends, an emotionally and parentially absent father, and his viciously manipulative wife. I felt that it was my responsibility–being, quite frankly, the most mature person in the maelstrom–to smooth out the problems, take care of complaints and issues, insulate all members from the tensions created by other members, and generally absorb punishment from all quarters without complaint. This does not make for a happy adolescence, and I’d have been better off if I’d rebelled and acted out, or at least sought help from…well, someone who could have applied pressure to all involved to clean up their acts or at least keep from using me as the focal point for their conflicts.

Anyway, I don’t have much in the way of specific advice for you except to let all members concerned to direct their attentions to each other than at or through you. And find a friend–a guidence counsellor, a teacher, a church figure, or someone–who can listen to your side of the story without prejudice or criticism, and perhaps offer an objective viewpoint.

Good luck to you.

Stranger

10

You didn’t mention your age, but I’m assuming you are an adult living at home (the whole paying back tuition thing). Before you mentioned tuition, I thought you were a teenager, the story sounded like a teen issue. If you are an adult, your mom has no right to tell you that you can’t go out. Yes, you are living under her roof and “her roof, her rules” is generally valid, but this sort of restriction is going too far.

Essentially, she grounded you. Does she send you to your room without supper as well? Are you made to sit in a corner if you’ve been bad?

You’re not a baby anymore, and unless there is a significant reason that you need to stay at home (more significant than mom’s power grab, at least) you should have freedom to leave, if you like. You also should have the freedom to accept gifts from anyone you like.

There is a difference between treating someone like a child, and treating them like an adult living under your roof. Children are told what to do. Adults are given a set of rules to ensure pleasant cohabitation. Adults don’t get grounded.

Now, you may be willing to trade in adult freedom for cheap lodging, but I think it’s a lousy trade, and it’s lousy for your mom to impose it on you. I’m not sure exactly what your mom has supported you through, except her own bad behavior.