My apologies if I seem to start this thread and run away. This is not one of my regular forums so I might be gone a while before I remember to check to see what has developed.
Anyway, I was writing a response to another thread and mentally speaking with an accent when I mangled a term. Then when I was thinking about that later I started remembering old Funky Winkerbean comic strips in which one of the guys was depicted sitting for an exam (these tended to come out around SAT and GRE season) and he would be given a term to define, for which he would supply some ludicrous funny answer. For example, one panel would show a caption of “Define Lagoon” and he would be shown writing “A French idiot.”
So with that in mind I thought I’d open a thread to challenge my fellow irreverent dopers to help me define some religious terms – incorrectly, with accents and poor spelling and pronunciation and whatever helps to make things funny. For instance, I once saw a thread on a site that said, “What is a Buddhist Koan?” and someone commented jokingly, “Something for holding Buddhist ice cream.” and the ideas I was playing with the other day on my way to work were
Q: Define bible.
A: Whall, it’s like dis. When farmer Buford down th’ road puts a tractor up fer sale, the tractor is bible.
Q: What is a heretic?
A: One a dem blood-suckin’ critters that gets stuck along yer scalp.
Apocalypse: when you have a pustule around the outside of your mouth
Bahá’í: a losing stock market strategy
Canonization: when they blast the hell out of you with a big gun
Copts: that TV show about bad boys
Karma: answer to the question “How did you get here, son?”
Zoroaster: A flower named in honor of Don Diego de la Vega
John played cards too much. He kept twisting his hands while holding and shuffling and dealing. It got so he could barely turn his right hand anymore because of the pain. The doctor diagnosed eucharist.