How the West Was Won
Actual Plot: An epic story spanning generations of one family’s involvement with opening and settling of the Western Frontier of America.
New plot: Following an extra during the filming of “She Done Him Wrong” that explains his method of seducing Mae West.
A Bridge Too Far: engineers are chagrined to discover that a measurement mistake has led to a bridge overextending it’s supports.
Miracle on 34th Street:
Actual: A single mother and her overly-rational little girl discover the true meaning of Christmas after meeting a kindly old man who insists that he’s Santa Claus.
New plot: A black guy succeeds in hailing a cab.
Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
We all know the original plot here, right? (Luke, I am your father, etc. etc.)
New version -
In the first Celebrity Apprentice movie, D-list stars are tasked to bowl for charitable causes. In an action-packed edge-of-your-seat finish, Team Empire wins with a strike on the final frame.
The Interview
Actual plot: A comedy where James Franco and Seth Rogan try to kill Kim Jon Un
New plot: A documentary where Sony executives try to explain why they’re such wussbags
The Fury
Actual plot: A government agent is determined to come to his son’s rescue when a sinister official kidnaps him to harbor his extremely powerful psychic abilities.
New plot: My wife’s reaction when I refused to take out the garbage last night.
The Maltese Falcon
Old plot: A private detective becomes enmeshed in plots and crisscrosses as three rival bad guys attempt to procure a valuable artifact
New plot: A tough guy ornithologist crisscrosses the Mediterranean to catch a glimpse of Accipiter Maguffinus.
Star Wars: A New Hope
Original - the story ends with the Empire being defeated
New - Hollywood celebrities vie for the chance to be the next Bob Hope
And Nourse’s book is actually called “THE Bladerunner” IIRC
The Sacketts
Actual plot: A family in the Old West feuds with another group until the story ends with a shoot out where all the bad guys die.
New plot: Those little bags Quikki Marts and 7/11s give to customers gain an awareness of their existence and attempt to communicate with humans.
The Terminator.
Genre: Romantic drama.
An American guy meets a French girl in Vienna. They wander the streets during the night and forge an unexpected bond through long conversations. As dawn approaches, they will have to make a difficult choice about whether or not to separate in the morning.
Quigley down Under
Actual plot: An American cowboy goes to Australia and fights bad guys and stands up for the weak and downtrodden.
New plot: Um…ah…never mind, it’s porn.
Last Tango in Paris– A French remake of Footloose.
Casino Royale
Actual plot: A taut spy thriller.
New plot: A tour of all the Burger Kings in France.
The Jungle Book
Actual plot: Mowgli and his jungle buddies.
New plot: Time-lapse photography of a Mumbai telephone book taken out in the jungle during monsoon season and left to rot.
The Maltese Falcon
Actual plot: Definitive noir detective thriller.
New plot: Wacky documentary about WB/Hanna-Barbera writer Michael Maltese and his new hobby, training raptors.
-MMM-
Cloud Atlas:
An insane wizard makes a map of every cloud that exists.
or
Cloud Strife takes up bodybuilding with impressive results.
Groundhog Day: Filmed on February 2nd, this movie shows the result of the emergence of every weather predicting groundhog on the planet. SPOILER ALERT: It tends to get very repetitive.
The Long Kiss Goodnight
Before: A missing-in-action CIA agent brainwashes herself into flying under the radar by living as an amnesiac school teacher.
After: Two lovers just can’t get enough of each other, but comical mishaps keep on preventing them from kissing each other goodnight.
Some Like It Hot
Old version: When two musicians witness a mob hit, they flee the state in an all female band disguised as women, but further complications set in.
New version: Documentary about the topless barista shacks bursting out across the country.
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes:
A woman named Dawn’s adventures on the planet of the apes. (XXX rated)
(The “sequel” Dawn of the Dead was disgusting)