Responding to spammers

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

**Find out how we can save you money **
I know how to save money. By not dealing with you! Look: my mortgage is already just over 5%, and the monthly payments for this three-bedroom house is much less than the rent was on my one-bedroom apartment. There’s no way you can significantly lower my monthly payments. Besides, I’d rather pay more every month and get the loan paid off sooner! Schmucks.

**Sexy Japanese Girl In The Bedroom **
LIAR!!! I just went and looked, and there was no one there! :mad:

22

I’ve been getting financial spam lately:

Stox in play
Really? Are they playing the Ytankees? Can I get ticktets?

Have you ever profited from a Small-Cap?
No, but I put my large hat out once on the ground while I sang, and got money to shut up.

23

There’s Jonathan Land’s “Spam Letters.” One of the more memorable exchanges is here. Keep going through the pages, it just gets funnier. It’s hard to imagine anyone could be so dumb.

24

For even more SPAM fun, I recommend getting the Thunderbird email client, and then the Bork! Bork! Bork! extension. This automatically renders all your junk mail in Swedish chef. :smiley:

Here is what it made of one of my spam mails:

25

**Info as requested on Wed Jul 20 20:00:28 2005 **
I must remember to request information in about three hours from now.

26

A few postings back I mentioned about the weird names they contrive for the “people” who are sending the E-Mails. I just got an E-Mail from Headwind B Pronoun !!!
Gee, that name doesn’t sound “made up” does it?

27

LOSE 1000 CALORIES PER DAY WITH NEW BREAKTHROUGH DIET PILL
Um… Let’s think about this one for a moment. Let’s see… I take these pills, and I lose calories. I suppose that’s a good thing, if I’m ever captured by cannibals. ‘No, not him! Not enough food value!’ ‘But I’m on a diet! I want to eat the low-cal man!’

Congratulations
Piss off.

28

Salsa sombrero and bacon bandages!

Maybe this doesn’t count, because it’s a real email, but it sounds like spam.

Most of my spam is boring–lots of Rolaxes and V!agra. And mortgages. Is anyone really stupid enough to get a mortgage from a spammer? I used to get porn spam with pictures on a work email account. That was bad enough, but then I started getting porn spam with animated pictures. :eek:

29

Wait 'til you start getting V!agra-enhanced animated porn spam from people wanting to help you get a mortgage on your barnyard animals! :eek:

30

Your eBay bid has been canceled was in my mailbox this morning. I haven’t been on any eBay item in two weeks. When I click on the number, I’m suppose to put in my name, password, PayPal, etc.

Nothing too suspious there.

31

A credit card is a must…because you never know when an emergency might happen
Right, I need a credit card! Oh wait, I have several already, thanks anyway.

Don’t let the credit card companies push you around - push back
So now you’re saying credit card companies are bad?

Wall Street Pulse cryptic
You know, I think if I needed some help on Wall Street, I wouldn’t want it to be cryptic

Rafael needs a card
Yeah, but then the credit card companies might start pushing him around.

I can’t even start to think of that.
You can’t think of it, yet you send me an email about it? Hmm…

** get 15 bingo cards - no deposit required**
That sounds like more fun then I can handle, so, thanks but no.

Oh wait, that one was sent to me by “Geisha Bingo” – that might be interesting after all.

** You Qualify for our 10,000 dollar Scholarship**
I do? Wow, I didn’t even know I was going back to school! What will I be studying?

** She said last night was awesome**
She did? As a straight female, I’m not sure what I could have done to make her think that.

** Re: Is sing no crazy**
If that’s a question I don’t know a Sing, so I have no idea if he’s crazy.

** But lose so chiromancy**
Is that anything like necromancy?

** Re: A fill the mood shallot**
A mood shallot? That’s a new one on me!

And just a few of the interesting people who are sending me email:

Cornelius Clifton
Missionaries R. Appetite
Pythagoras Pendleton (personally I think this one is kind of neat)
Miscarried K. Deification
Peering F. Stump
Nonsense H. Hitchhikers
Ineffectually U. Redressing
Hornblower H. Palau
Pshaws L. Acclimation
Advisable M. Legitimizing
Spaceflights F. Disobliges
Downtrodden L. Encapsulates

32

They change colour depending on your mood.

Got a new crop of spam this morning. Here are a few highlights:

**being indebted to people is bad, make it good **
Make being in debt good? Welcome to America!

**assanal cum cream piez **
You know? I haven’t had coffee yet. I thought this said ‘anasal cum cream piez’. I imagined semen dripping out of a nose. (Or not-a-nose, since it’s a-nasal.) But reading the title again, it sounds like something that would be offered by a company called Felcher’s Fast Food.

DEAR FRIEND(URGENT)
DEAR FRIEND(URGENT)
DEAR FRIEND(URGENT)
I guess it must be, if you sent it three times! But I still don’t like being shouted at.

Pringles Nationwide Survey ?Complimentary Year Supply of Pringles
I don’t care about Pringles, and I don’t want any free Pringles. If I want Pringles, I’ll go to the store and buy them.

**home ownership rules **
I don’t like home ownership rules. That’s why I looked for a place without CC&Rs.

**It’s not a joke **
Ah. ‘Is it funny?’ didn’t work, so how you’re admitting it’s not.

**Original Longevity Formula from Germany **
Your Reich can last a thousand years too!

33

RObt Pitts and Darius Aguilar are both urging me to
impress your girl with a huge cumshot!

Wow, honey, it sure will take a lot of paper towels to clean that up!

but Carroll P. Zimmerman wants to help me
cure premature ejackulashun

That must be what happens to hares that get shamed out of their burrows.
and Managers Wanted! wants me to know
Managers Wanted!

Go figure.

34

Viagra - wholesale price
fantastic! I’ve been meaning to try viagra ever since all my teenage girl friends told me how it would help me be a better… celibate teenage girl.

** Participate in our Retail Store Review Program.**
I don’t get it. Is this a command? I’m generally pretty obedient, but I’m afraid I don’t recognize my spam’s authority. sorry.

** FREE* Gift card***
… to what? your granny’s garage sale next week?

Drop 10 pounds this week!
I’d love to. unfortunately, I’ve got to gain nearly twenty before I’m allowed to dance again.

** Friend Diapers for 1 year on us**
what does this mean? that you’ll pay for my friend’s diapers? that you’ll wear my friend’s diapers for a year? would this be before or after my friend uses them, and would it be one pair all year or would you change diapers every time my friend does?

Click on your body type
YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!!!

Oreo’s Nationwide Survey - Years Supply of Oreo’s
hahaha, I love this one… there’s an apostrophe in “oreo’s” but none in “years”

** Highly Recommended Business Friend**
is this the same one who wears diapers?

** An Urgent Message to all women 25-54!**
OH MY GOD I’D BETTER LISTE… oh, I’m too young. AGEISM!

35

No, you’ve mis-parsed this one, Johnny. They know you don’t have a dog. They’re assuming you to be an elderly person on a fixed income. They know you can’t afford to buy your medicine and eat normal food, too, so you’re eating dog food to save money. They further assume that you cannot afford name brand adult diapers for your urinary incontinence, so you wear the cheaper doggie brand. Parsed correctly, it reads "Because your dogs Depends[sup]TM[/sup] (are) on you…

36

**get out of your debt now **
The only debt I have is my house. Besides, Earlene, I’m not sure I should take financial advice from someone who sounds as if she’s kin to Cletus on The Simpsons.

37

Another great site is Ebolamonkeyman. He gets the Nigerian spammers to send him pictures of themselves holding up signs that say things like “Father Penna Trateme,” “Iama Dildo,” “Bendme Overand Dome,” and “Will U Phystme” to name but a couple. In one of his correspondances he even gets a scammer to give him the details of how and where they work the scam.

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http://www.spamusement.com/

“Poorly-drawn cartoons inspired by actual spam subject lines!”

39

Bronwen’s tribute to spam, “Sam’s Bad Day,” is pretty funny too. I won’t link to it because it’s not work safe, but if you type “Sam’s Bad Day Bronwensm” into Google (without the quotes) you’ll find it.

40

It says Oprah using Green Tea, not Oprah drinking Green Tea.

Let your imagination wander over that a bit.