There is a social convention that bugs me, but maybe I have the wrong perspective. I call it the polite non-question because to me it seems that although it is framed as a question, it can only be answered one way politely, so it ends up being a non-question.
“Do you mind if I smoke?” Used to be a great example, but now people can actually say no and it isn’t considered rude, so it isn’t one anymore. Now it’s “do you mind if I use my ecigarette?” I kinda do, but I feel that I have to say that I don’t.
I have gotten “Is this gift okay?” or “How did you like X?” (Where X is something they gave me) many times, and I am always bemused by that. Am I really going to say I didn’t like it?
What got me thinking was a client I found in my waiting room with a Burger King bag, who asked if he could bring in his food. He was going to be with me for an hour, so I felt I couldn’t say no.
The part that bugs me about this is that it seems to me the person doing something questionable in terms of etiquette asks the non-question, and suddenly I’m the rude one unless I agree.
I suspect I am a wimp, but I also suspect I am not alone. Anyone else have examples of this? How do you respond?
You could call them rhetorical questions if they’re asking them in such a way that they’re not asking you…they’re telling you what they’re going to do.
But if they’re giving you the opportunity to answer, go ahead.
If they say “Do you mind if I use my e-cig?” you could even say “sure, but could you go over there with it, I really don’t like they way they smell”. I think that’s a nice halfway point because that vapor really does dissipate quickly.
If they ask if they can bring their food in (not that it’s likely to happen again) you can say “No, we don’t allow food back there, but we’ll get you out of here as fast as we can”. It’s not your fault they brought food in without asking if it was okay. Of course, if you don’t care, then let them bring it in.
As for the gifts, just take them and be happy, even if you hate them. IMO it’s tacky to say otherwise. Personally, I try to send gifts with a gift receipt and I truly don’t care if someone returns what I got them. I mean, they’re the ones that have to use/wear it, they should like it, not me, but other people aren’t like that.
I’m a ‘wimp’ to in plenty of scenarios but some of them don’t even involve asserting yourself. Often times the person is asking you because they really want to know if it’s okay and if you say no they really will understand. We’re just so used to people saying ‘mind if I smoke’ as they’re lighting the cigarette in your house after dinner. Not that long ago, that was very common.
Joey P, those are the kind of responses I can think of after the fact, but never in the moment. In the food example, it was the beginning of the hour they have with me, so if I had said no, his choices were to lose some of his time eating, or wait an hour.
The reason you can’t answer someone when they question a rule of etiquette is because you don’t believe there is a good reason for following that rule in the first place. The person’s question exposes the lack of logic in your rule by forcing you to defend it. If you can’t defend it, then you will look rude because it will seem like you’re asking someone to follow a rule just because you want them to follow it.
If you want them to follow the rule without looking rude, then you will have to defend it. You will have to come up with a reasonable answer for why you want them to follow etiquette. Using your example of the person asking, “do you mind if I smoke?”, the rude answer would be “yes, I do mind.” The better answer would be, “actually, I have asthma and I don’t want to aggravate it.” Or if you don’t have asthma, “I don’t want to risk getting cancer, could you please go somewhere else?”
My favorite example of your polite non-question is when a boss will ask you if you want to do something. As if you ever had a choice. Some people think this isn’t really a question at all. But I believe it’s a question that’s asking something different from what people normally assume it’s asking. It’s not asking whether you want to do more work. It’s asking whether you have a good professional reason not to do more work.
You can’t tell your boss you don’t want to do something because you just don’t like the work. You can, however, tell him you don’t want to do something because you already have too much work. Or someone else would be a better fit for the project.
In short, whether you are rude or not will depend on why you are saying “no”, and not simply because you are saying “no”.
Lakai has it. The way to respond to an etiquette request in the negative is to first apologize (since you will be inconveniencing the asker) and then give a reason.
“Do you mind if I use my ecigarette?” I’m sorry, the smell tends to linger in this room and I’d prefer that you didn’t.
“Is this gift O.K.?” I really appreciate your thoughtfulness, but unfortunately I can’t drink coffee. It was really nice of you to get me something. (Actually used by me to a cousin, since I didn’t want her putting me down for coffee every time.) If it’s a situation where it’s just a matter of taste level, I’ll just be thankful for the gift.
“Can I bring in my food?” I’m sorry, I’m afraid we don’t allow food in the consulting room. (Although in this case, I probably would have wimped out and said, “I’m sorry, we normally don’t allow food in the consulting room, but since you already have it with you, it’s O.K. just this once.”
The thing to remember is that one of you is going to be inconvenienced. As long as you’re polite about it, and have a legitimate reason, there’s no reason it can’t be the other person.
Answers other than the assumed/expected response can be given without being rude, but being not rude requires more than just the unexpected answer, a smile, and a quick change of subject.
What makes these things “non-questions”? Why the assumption that the asker is not genuinely asking if you mind and open to modifying their behavior and thinking no less of you if you say you mind?
Don’t assume they secretly know your personal preferences and are determined to pressure you into agreeing to allow them to disregard them. If you don’t like to say no, say yes to what you DO want them to do.
For example:
“Do you mind if I smoke my ecigarette?”
“Go ahead, there’s a chair outside on the patio.”
Perhaps it’s just me, but most of these responses seem to presume the person isn’t genuinely asking the question. To me, that sounds a little… well… rude.
Back when I still partook, I would sincerely ask if someone minded if I smoked in their presence. I would never ask inside someone else’s home or car, typically only if we were outside and I was near them. Usually this was done when I honestly didn’t know if there were a smoker or were bothered by it. I was looking for a genuine answer to the question. If someone said they did mind, it was no bother and I would wait.
The same with food. Very rarely would I ever presume to bring food into any type of a business encounter, but on the rare occasion I did it was due to some extreme circumstance. I would ask, was genuinely seeking an answer, and if I was told no then I would wait. Simple as that.
What’s wrong with asking someone a question? (Provided they aren’t calling you rude, or acting weird after you politely answer them.)
The problem now is that you’ve set precedent that your client can bring in a meal for your session whenever he feels like it. I understand not wanting to post a numbered set of rules on the wall as that doesn’t exactly foster a collaborative effort, but I think you can accomplish the same goal by making an agreement (in writing) between you and each of your clients. Obviously this will be easier with new clients than existing ones, but I’m sure you can find a way to tactfully implement the same agreement with everyone. No food, no smoking or ecigs, no cell phones, no whatever as well as a commitment to each put forth your best effort, be completely honest and everything else you promise to your client and you want them to promise you. Prohibited things aren’t bad, they’re distracting and counter productive to the work you’re both trying to accomplish. I think this has potential benefits beyond your office not smelling like Whopper and fries.
In general, you may be a bit of a wimp but I suspect you’re just a very polite and accommodating person, sometimes to a fault. You can’t go through life handing out your expectations on paper to everyone you have a social relationship with, but in your specific profession, I think you can and should.
I’m sure that sometimes it is a real question, and any answer would be okay, but as Lakai pointed out, there is a tendency with these questions to feel forced by the rules of etiquette to either agree or give a reason.
I thought of another question that fits this pattern: when someone asks to taste your food or drink. I don’t mind, so it isn’t a conflict for me, but what about people who do? Do you really just say no? Or make up a lie about a cold? Make a joke about germs?
Jake Jones, that is an excellent idea. I might add it to my office policies/confidentiality agreement. SpoilerVirgin, your suggestion is also a good one. Thanks, both of you.
I agree with the OP - I think there are two kinds of people in the world - those who ask for everything and expect everyone else to tell them “no,” and people who consider what they’re asking of other people and don’t ask too much or inappropriate things in the first place.
It seems to me that this has more to do with how the person being asked feels than the intentions of the person asking. I personally have never felt this way when someone asked me such a question.
This is a perfect example. I’m a little bit of a germaphobe. I do just tell people no, unless I can put it on a separate plate or pour it into another glass. No one has ever called me rude (at least to my face or that I have found out about) or otherwise made a big deal about it. Everyone who knows me knows how I am and it’s not an issue.
In the food example, it was the beginning of the hour they have with me, so if I had said no, his choices were to lose some of his time eating, or wait an hour.
How come you’re such douchebag?”