Hell, I think I’d just go straight for the bathtub, shedding clothes as I went. I’d end up with a gumbo of OneCentStamp au jus naturel.
Yeah, but then when you flushed, you’d get vomitty water.
I’ve had this situation happen to me once. Luckily the bodily processes were slightly out of sync, allowing me to finish emptying my bowels then do a little hop-spin to puke into the toilet.
I never thought the smell could get any worse than having a toilet full of diarrhea, but it can…it can! :eek:
Assuming there are no other options (no wastebasket/nearby sink/bathtub). . .and also assuming that I’m not coordinated enough to vomit in the tank and/or between my legs (which isn’t the case, but I’ve never been tested). . .and also assuming that I can’t just hold in the #2 (which has never been the case for me, no matter how cramped I got). . .then crap in the toilet, puke on the tile.
It happened to me not a year ago.
The trash bucket was too far away, so I grabbed a towel off the rack, made it into a sort of pouch, and puked in it while initiating liftoff from the other end.
Didn’t spill much, either.
Then, I just took the towel, contents and all, threw it into the garbage, tied up the garbage bag, and discarded it forever and always.
Ah, this thread is making me laugh so hard. 
This has happened to me at least twice in life, once this past January. As Incubus experienced, the two processes were not simultaneous, so I just alternated which end to point at the toilet. In the fallow periods I curled up on the floor in the fetal position and waited to see what doom befell me next. That was one lousy night over the MLK holiday.
If I had to do both at once, though, I’d bark in the sink while sitting on the john. I guess there’s a good reason that New England houses have such tiny-ass bathrooms after all.
This isn’t going to work if you’ve got a moderately long torso. If you’re over, say, 5’6", you’ll need to angle your head down pretty severely to be sure you’re not painting the wall with the bow wake, and when the heaves hit, you’ll tend to stand up with your head hanging over the tank. That’s going to put tension on your back, and with your legs spread instead of centered, the pod bay doors are going to be pointing more aft than down. You’ll be very lucky at that point to be dropping fuel-air explosives, because they’ll be dropping on the floor, and cluster bombs are much harder to clean up. Add to that the problem that vomit is pretty acidic; the remnants of your forward blast wave may shorten the service life on the rubber gaskets in the toilet tank. :eek:
In high school we called this particular affliction Die Ralffenpoopen and assumed that the trashcan solution was as good as it got. No matter how much you bend your torso over to hit the trash can, the pod bay doors still point down.
Another solution is not to head to the restroom. If I’m going to launch all of the escape pods, and I’m somewhere that other people may need to use the facilities, I might actually run outside and head for a shrub. The downside of this is that you might get ticketed for public indecency, littering (!), or worse; the upside is you’re not sticking anyone with the trouble of cleaning up after you. You can come back the next day with a shovel if you need to bury your dead.
It’s happened to me more than a couple times. I had two winters one after the other where I got horrendously sick. The first time was probably just food poisening, as it lasted for a couple days, but I had it coming out of both ends. I did as most suggested, sitting on the crapper with a trashcan.
The next winter I actually got the flue (twice…or more likely never fully fought off the first flu…and the second flu led straight to pneumonia, what a fun February that was…) I was lucky enough then to be living in a house where the sink was right in front of the toilet, so I could just slightly raise myself up and puke into the sink. Since all I had in my stomach was water and maybe a piece of bread, there weren’t any large chunks to get stuck in the small sink drain.
The third time though…man, oh man, that was a killer. I was a week away from moving out of my last apartment and the town it was in, so my friend took me out on a Friday night. He bought me a lot of drinks. The last thing I remember was doing a couple shots of tequila followed by a corona each. I guess we drank a little more than took a cab home, according to him. Next thing I remember is sitting on the can taking a rasty nasty crap (did I mention we had lots of wings and pizza for dinner before going out?) Then I felt an urge from the front side. I tried to reach around to grab my trashcan which was situated alongside the toilet, but this sucker came up so fast I didn’t have time. All over the floor, and part of the wall next to the toilet since I was parrtially turned towards it to get the trash can. The worst part was that I just finished my crap, rinsed the puke off my feet, and went back to bed without cleaning it. And then the next morning I had to go out of town for the weekend, so it remained on the floor uncleaned for two days.
Luckily, the apartment stopped smelling the day before I moved out and the landlord did an inspection.
(emphasis mine)
Band name for sure. Maybe not a rock band, but definitely an industrial band or a group of yodelers.
All you have to do is demand that your orange-hooded son stop giving you abortion pills.
If such a situation arose, I think I’d sit. I once decided that I desperately needed to pee while using mouthwash, and failed badly at spitting it into the toliet, so I wouldn’t attempt throwing up that way. AFAIK there’s no e-coli in vomit so it’s better to clean it up off the floor than the alternative.
I’ve been in the position of sitting on the toilet and puking in the trash can, but luckily #2 didn’t come until later - I wasn’t sure at the time so I erred in the way of caution. That was one bad stomach flu - I puked all night, couldn’t even hold down a sip of water. I was so dehydrated I was starting to see stuff. My bed at my parents’ house (with palm tree motif) turned into Africa and my coworkers and I had to collect stuff for something. Truly weird! And I definitely wasn’t sleeping during it. It ruined my entire Fourth of July weekend - the first incident happened when I was with my family at the river celebrating the Saturday before (the fourth was Tuesday).
But yeah, rather have to clean up barf that the other option.
This is hysterical! I thought I could be the only person on earth who had puked in their pants. Of course, I didn’t have a wife to go buy me a whole new outfit, so I had to walk home from the bar in pukey pants.
When I have the foresight that I will be puking and pooping simultaneously, I will poop in the toilet and puke in the trash can (or sink, or bathtub, or in a towel). Of course, one can not always know these things, so occasionally you might find yourself in bed with the trash can next to you because you’re too weak to walk to the bathroom, and end up pooping your pants. That was a horrible Christmas- my BIL’s brother had the stomach flu but came to Christmas dinner anyway, so everyone that attended Christmas dinner got the stomach flu. And as an added bonus, we all thought it was just going to be vomit that first time, so yes, my entire family shit themselves that week.
Oooh, happened to me after a tad too much cannabis.
Toilet was beside the sink, so I sat sideways. Only problem was, I really didn’t need to poo, so I was airing my rear and clogging up the sink too :smack:
Living in Thailand, I’m certainly no stranger to blowing out both ends, although once my system got used to it over here, it settled down, and that has not happened to me for a while now. But above all, stick your rear on the pot. That is paramount. If you can vomit into a sink or trash can, fine, but whatever flies all over the room should NOT be feces, liquid or otherwise. Trust me.
This thread has just made me realize that at home if I stood up to use the toilet I could puke out the bathroom window.
Ignorance has been fought,
Given that we’ve already got a poop thread conveniently located on the front page, I’ll close this zombie.