What is the deal with the way people react when couples break up? I don’t understand it.
Okay - it’s mostly my own reaction to breaking up. Everything leading up to and including the actual break up, I’m extremely agreeable to it. It’s been usually (about 75%) my idea - of the 25%, about half of that were a complete surprise, so I’m discounting those times.
But when I break up, I turn into kind of a shitty person. I shut them out completely from my life. I just found out my ex-girlfriend (dating 1.5 years, broke up two months ago) is already seeing someone (someone she had sex with 4 days after we broke up). To me, that’s just amazing - not that it’s good for her, but I just keep thinking, “what a slut!”. That doesn’t seem healthy to me (her quick turnaround, as well as my reaction).
When we broke up, she told me quite honestly, that I was the best boyfriend she’s ever had. That just doesn’t seem to jibe. The relationship lasted longer than it should have - I knew about 1/2 way through that I wasn’t 100% into it, and checked out emotionally at about that time. So why am I reacting so emotionally now?
Anyone have any insight into either side of this ex-relationship? Because it just confuses me. I thought I’d moved on (several months before the break-up, in fact), but clearly that’s not the case.
O tell us, Internet Psychologist, what would be a “healthy” turnaround timeframe? Maybe she’s always fancied the guy for a bit and had her eye on him while with you. Maybe she met him and sparks flew. I’m not into having sex with someone early in a relationship, but I’m even less into ex-boyfriends judging my post breakup behavior that doesn’t involve them at all.
I think it’s really none of your business that she’s with someone else and instead of asking us all if we think her behavior is unhealthy like yours you should just worry about your behavior.
He is worrying about his own behaviour. That’s the point of his post. Clues to this include phrases in his post such as:
Okay - it’s mostly my own reaction to breaking up.
But when I break up, I turn into kind of a shitty person.
So why am I reacting so emotionally now?
I thought I’d moved on (several months before the break-up, in fact), but clearly that’s not the case.
He emphatically did NOT ask if her behaviour was healthy.
Which leaves me perplexed by your aggresisve and sarcastic reply to him, and why you ignored 99% of his post and chose to focus on and twist 1% which caught your eye.
The rule is one month for every year you were together divided by the remainder of the division of the number of days in the month you met by 3, plus as many days as the angle (in degrees!) of the shadow cast by a crow’s foot while standing in direct sunlight at the exact moment you break up. Multiply by 1.3 if you have girl parts, unless you have girl parts and are a redhead, then divide by 1.1.
And we call ourselves e-psychologists, not Internet Psychologists. e-psychologists.com is the precise title of the profession.
I don`t think making a clean break with your exes makes you a shitty person. It’s not like you have a kid or a cat together. What else would you do? Stay friends? I’ve always thought that was unappealing.
My advice in such situations has always been: Don’t force yourself to not think about it or not feel anything. It’s not really productive. On the other hand, try not to let your thoughts dwell on things like whether you really were her best boyfriend and whether that’s incompatible with fucking some other guy 4 days later. Maybe she was hurt and wanted some attention. Maybe he got her drunk. Maybe she was cheating on you for a while or thinking about it. It really doesn`t matter. It’s ok to let it bother you emotionally for a while buy try not to feed it intellectually by, for instance, soliciting opinions on the Internet. Accept logically that it’s over and none of that stuff is going to make any meaningful difference in your life and eventually the emotional side will figure it out.
I know a girl who recently broke up with her boyfriend and broke his heart. Not that she did it lightly - she still have feelings for him, but judged that they were in different places in their lives and that they had no future beyond the next year or so. But it was a complete surprise to him and he took it really hard. It’s been a few months now and he’s sort of seeing someone else. She was really upset about it - I think she felt hurt that he “got over it” so quickly. Which is completely irrational - SHE broke up with him, and there’s nothing wrong with him trying to move on with his life - but most of us can’t help being jealous and petty at times. Accept your emotions, know you are being irrational, and just try to get over it as soon as you can.
No, he didn’t ask if her behavior was healthy, he TOLD us that it was not.
Be perplexed no more although you must be delicate if you think that was aggressive, but see comment #5 where another user highlights what he did ask since you missed it in the OP. Also, please let me know where I twisted anything.
He asked about either side and I answered with my opinion. My opinion is that it’s none of his business what she does since he (apparently) stayed with her longer than he felt the relationship stayed alive and chose to shut her completely out of his life. I honestly don’t think shutting her out makes him a shitty person, but I think his judgment of her actions is shitty.
I can offer him no insight on why he is bothered by it because I’m not really a jealous person and it smacks of some kind of jealousy.
Thanks. I was really looking for some sort of “yeah, that happens a lot.”
Absolutely honest assessment =-thanks. I do agree I my judgement is shitty - I just want to know why, and (hopefully) get some assessment in to how I can stop it in in the future.
Again, yes. It IS some kind of jealousy, of which I don’t really know its origin. Thanks for your input though.