Inspired by this column that came out during Super Bowl week:
Summary: as football fans already know, Colin Kaepernick, star quarterback of the San Francisco 49ers, is adopted. His birth mother is white, his biological father is black, and he was raised by a white couple that he seems to adore.
He has never had any contact with his biological parents, and doesn’t seem to have any interest in doing so. I don’t know why, and he hasn’t seen any need to explain why.
Sportswriter Rick Reilly has an adopted daughter who was born in Korea. He encouraged and helped his daughter to find her birth mother in Korea, and the reunion seems to have gone very well.
Consequently, Reilly feels eminently qualified to hector and lecture Kaepernick on his duty to find and reunite with his birth mother- something Kaepernick has no real desire to do.
Aren’t you at least CURIOUS, Reilly persists? Kaepernick simply says, “No,” and wants to leave it at that.
Now, I will say two things before I go any further:
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I’ve ALWAYS thought Rick Reilly was an asshole who’s neither as funny nor as insightful as he imagines.
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I am the adoptive father of a 9 year old boy.
So, either or both of those things may make me utterly biased or excessively prejudiced against Reilly’s argument. Now that I’ve made this disclaimer, on to my point:
Who the hell is Rick Reilly, or ANYBODY, to tell an adopted child how he/she should feel about his parents, adoptive OR natural?
I’ve gotten to meet a lot of adopted kids, a lot of adoptive parents, and a fair number of women who’ve given up children for adoption, and what I’ve learned is… they’re ALL different. Some birth mothers never stop thinking about the babies they gave away, and some rarely give their babies a second thought. Some adopted kids are obsessed with finding their “real” mothers, and will spend years searching for them; others say, matter-of-factly, “The people who raised me are my parents. End of story.” Some adopted kids who DO meet their birth mothers form extremely close bonds with them; others meet a few times, and then move on, having found some kind of closure. NONE of those people is typical or “normal,” and none has a duty to show emotions he/she doesn’t really feel.
My son, so far, hasn’t expressed any feelings about adoption. He KNOWS he has a birth mother somewhere in West Texas, but doesn’t seem to think about her much. We send her letters and photos from time to time, but she hasn’t tried to contact us. If, at some point, my son ever DOES want to meet her, it won’t bother me at all. (And, apparently, Colin Kaepernick’s adoptive parents have no objection to Colin meeting HIS birth mother.)
I’ve never met Colin Kaepernick, and only know of him what I’ve seen on TV and read in the sports pages. I have no idea how he feels, deep down, about his birth mother. If he SAYS he has no interest in meeting her, I’m inclined to take his word for it. Regardless, it’s absolutely NONE OF MY BUSINESS what he feels or whether he ever chooses to meet her.
And it’s none of Rick Reilly’s business, either.
Normally, when Rick Reilly says or rights something stupid (which is constantly), I ignore him. This time, he REALLY needs to be told, “Shut the f— up. And THIS time, I really mean it. You’re not Dear Abby and nobody asked for your familial advice. Apologize to Colin Kaepernick and NEVER try to play shrink with people you don’t know again.”